I Do Things With My Hands For Money

Better than my mouth like some people. I mean I use my mouth too, but my hands are typically more critical for the international customer base.

I communicate.

The past few days have been spent quietly journal-ing and writing and re-writing lists and thoughts and answers and questions. Non-digital writing. Whodathunkit, eh?

I have been mostly abstaining from digital media for the weekend other than my precious Kindle app. I needed to have some introspection and internal reflection. Removing the pull of other people's bullshit really allowed me to find peace with some of the many things that have been looping through my mind like a skipping CD.

I am still trying to figure out what my next step will be in my career path, but in the same breath, whatever it is I don't intend on taking it for a couple years. With exception of course, but there are always some.

The main thing I am focused on for this year is kicking ass and taking names. I am working on being the best strongest me I have been so far as I skip past my thirty first birthday at the end of this month. As I did with my thirtieth birthday, I am planning to embrace my thirty first with all the energy and passion of two twenty somethings rounding second. First step? You shall see on my birthday.

First "hardcore" thing I did this year? I ate half a boneless wing smothered with mother fucking ghost pepper sauce. Holy shit, did it burn? Oh hell, yes it did. I imagine that is what it feels like to swallow fire and brimstone. Devil ain't got shit on me.

This is me presenting the wing:

This is me, full of terror, taking a bite of said hell fire wing:

This is me, fanning myself, in a futile attempt to relieve the intense burning in my mouth and spreading throughout my body after I swallowed:

It was mildly traumatizing and I would do it again in a heartbeat just for the simple bit of life experience it provided.

After this week, filled with loss, both personal and that felt by the world, I think this is something we all need to remember. You've only got one chance. Take it. Do everything and anything you can (within reason).

Enjoy every moment. I'll try to share mine with you, maybe they will inspire you.

Tomorrow morning I will be out and running in the wee hours as normal. Hopefully it is enough to carry me through a morning of back to back to back meetings.

Two Little Letters

N

O

They are currently a buzz word in our household. The wee one, in her effort to flex her maturity and independence, has been using it in excess. In some cases, yelling it at others; us, her teachers, her friends and even the poor old cat.

Some times her use is warranted. If the cat is clawing at something, or if one of her classmates is hitting, but let's face it, 80% of the time she is being a toddler.

If this and the nuclear meltdowns are the terrible twos, I think we will survive.

In order to be adaptive parents and work on working through the major developmental explosion that occurs at this age (part of the reason they are such little shits) we are committing ourselves to the state hospital.

Bad joke.

We are going to lead by example and we are committing ourselves to not using the word "no" unless absolutely necessary, and preferably in the form of "no, thank you." The first evening has been a challenge.

You really don't think about how often you utilize such a small and simple word to convey so much until you force yourself to stop. It reminds me of a paper I had to write in high school. I believe it was a narrative piece where we were not allowed the use of the word "I" or maybe it was an expressive piece with no "and," or maybe we did both in separate instances... I can't recall for certain, but I remember the immense difficulty trying to stumble through the writing process without one of the most basic words in the English language.

The worst part, I honestly don't believe she fully understands what the word means when she uses it sometimes. She'll say, "No, don't want to eat mac'n'cheese." Then promptly gobble it all down.... Makes me contemplate if she is just trying to be contrary to be contrary.

Heaven help us when the teen years get here. It'll be great or it will be the terrible twos all over again.

At work today I had a really scary moment; whilst pulling invoices from the system I became insanely dizzy. To the point even using a focal point was questionable. I sat there for about five minutes trying to deep breathe and it barely began to fade away. Considering how it left me feeling and how I still feel, I am confident it was tied to a sudden pressure change in my ears.

I was prone to ear infections as a child and have actually had a couple in the last several years as an adult. I am currently, like as I type this, feeling a not so lovely pressure in my right ear.

All in all it was unpleasant. Trying to message Collin was a challenge because even watching my fingers type was enough to make me want to pass out. Reading his responses was even more fun. Luckily, it abated and by the time the day was ending I was mostly okay. The only remnant other than the pressure in my ear is a bone weary sense of exhaustion, almost like one would have after fighting off a fever.

Since the little one decided she needed to go night night at a quarter to seven, I am inclined to follow her lead after an episode of Jessica Jones (Netflix) or Gate (Crunchyroll).

I just finished the series "Charlotte" on Crunchyroll; I must say a very interesting little anime. If you are into the idea of supernatural abilities that onset at puberty and disappear at the end of adolescence and scientist trying to exploit this and so on, you might want to peruse it. Crunchyroll is a free streaming service (with the option for subscription). Most shows are not dubbed, but that is the way to watch them in my opinion.

And now I realize I was letting my nerd flag fly pretty big there... Oh well. I am what I am.

Next time I will try to finally go over the nerdgasmic previews we saw when we went to Star Wars, and also my experience dealing with some serious heat.

Difference, Discord, Dispute, Duel, Death

This is the revised Conflict Continuum as defined in my in my most recent leadership class.

We, the students, added the final two Ds. We all have an excellent sense of humor.

At work I have been focused on writing more and more process documentation. It has been sapping my free time writing energy, but I am going to try and make an effort to balance the work writing and the fun writing. The biggest struggle I find with the process documentation writing is that I really have to limit myself. There are so many known exceptions to each and everything we do in my department it is hard not to note each and every one... I could probably write addendum's to 70% of the actual process documents just for known exceptions..

This weekend has been amazing and wonderful including my class Saturday morning. The class is every other weekend until mid May. It's slated for five hours a session, but we made it out in four this time.

Following my super fun class I came home for a light lunch while the mini me napped. She awoke from her nap just as her aunt arrived to spend the afternoon/evening with her so Collin and I could go on a much needed DATE.

Yes, we went on a date, outside of the house, together, without the child. We've only done that a couple times so it is truly special to us. We regularly have date nights at home where we pick an activity (B-D movies, cards, Minecraft, etc.). We're homebodies so this is sufficient for us. The whole point is to enjoy each other's company, right?

For this year, or at least the first part of it, we are going to put the effort into going out on monthly dates as our sitter's schedule allows. We recognize when we make a hopeful addition to the family in the future, it may get even more difficult to plan for these kind of outings. I'll share the dates we go on, but they will mostly be movies, I think.

That's what this one was.

We went to see Star Wars.

It.

Was.

MINDBLOWINGLYAMAZEBALLS.

And that is all I will say on it. I know others are yet to see it, and I am blessed enough to have wonderful humans around me that did not spoil it for me. To continue carrying the torch, I shall not provide any commentary on it.

I can't wait for the next one.

The theater was awesome too. Recliner seats... So comfy. Even with my jacked up tailbone it only hurt about fifty percent of the time. The main reason it hurt is because it's difficult to adjust my position without potentially being in someone's way or disrupting their movie watching experience. I should have brought a pillow or something.

Once the motion picture ended we made our way to a little Scottish pub that is across town from the theater. They were slammed being that it was 6pm on a Saturday night. We ended up at the bar where Collin had a Sam'l Smith's Organic Cherry Ale.... Oh my goodness. It was scrumptious. I skipped the booze and stuck to water and the sip from his ale. By the time an actual table was available our food had arrived, so we just opted to stay at the bar rather than move the plates and glasses and such.

We shared a chicken curry pasty, sausage rolls (so going to follow our mate's advise and try my hand at making them at home; should be fairly simple), and a plate of bangers and mash. It was superbly delicious.

We finished the evening off by picking up some frozen yogurt and heading home just in time to put the little one to bed. Our movie started at 3:20; we aren't to big on the late nights since 90% of the time we are up by 5-5:30am.

Today started with a sky filled with stars. For the first time since the snow last week I was able to get in an honest to goodness run. When we woke up I looked at my phone and it informed me it was clear and just above freezing. I pulled on my gear before it could change, did my jumping jacks with the little monster and was hitting the pavement and marveling at all the beautiful star sprinkled across the sky.

I need to figure out which planet we can see just before dawn towards the south east horizon. At least my prior experience with the celestial tapestry led me to believe it is a plant based on it's coloring. I have an app for that...

Once I completed my jaunt to the cop shop and back I made breakfast and we took care of the minimal grocery shopping we needed for the upcoming week. A couple of items were on sale so I bought them in triplicate. I know they will be used so why not, eh?

I went to visit my father during the little one's nap time today. It was a great visit. He is expected to be released from the physical rehab place by the end of the month. He can walk pretty well with a walker now. It's great to see him healing. Even though his plans after he is done at the rehab place don't align with what I feel is best for his longevity, I am still glad to see how quickly he has recovered. I shared pictures of the little one's first time playing in the snow and we chatted about work and school. It will be hard when he leaves there and returns to, well, what it is he intends to return to. It's not my place, he is an adult.

That is my biggest personal growth opportunity for this year:

I need to focus on what is best for my health and the health of my family. I need to not exert my energy on those that do not want my help. I will always be here for those that need it and can be happy with what I offer, but I will not allow people to use me again and again to further a debilitating or unhealthy lifestyle. I just don't have the resources to do it anymore- mentally, emotionally or physically.

I shall leave you on that sobering thought for the night.

Maybe I should buy a Powerball ticket tomorrow... I could fix a lot with that kind of money.

Yea, Why?

Frozen is playing in the background. The wee one has been feeling the effects of her two year molars finally grinding their way into place. Low grade temperature and touchy emo attitude. Sunshine in rainbows to nuclear apocalypse in five seconds over the best things. Her trying to go take her jacket off and I kiss her forehead on the way. On the floor. Luckily not wailing. Toddlers are such amazing and weird little creatures.

Yesterday was a trial, and not because of the emo kid. I had a follow up eye appointment, managed to be at work for about two hours before the daycare called for her to be picked up because of the temperature; not at the mandatory go home threshold but her behavior was indicative of potential other symptoms on their way. Thankfully, other than a lack of appetite in the extreme and being tired, she never had any other symptoms.

After dinner I ran to the store because we burned through milk a bit faster than we had in the weeks prior. I got about a half mile from the house and it felt like I had a soft blow out while taking off from a stop light and the check engine light started flashing furiously. Scared the crap out of me. I limped back home and after a certain tiny person was in bed Collin checked the code and it informed us that it misfired in one of the cylinders... Joy...

Called the mechanic shop today and got the car towed in. They were able to get a quick prelim diagnostic done and found that there seems to be an issue with the compression in the cylinder; they will have to pull the engine back out to figure out what happened. This is the same engine just rebuilt six months ago. The upside? The shop is covering it under the warranty on the engine rebuild. And that, that right there, is why I love my Subaru shop. Plus, they were able to set up a loaner at no charge (other than fuel).

Good times. We are all interested to see what the root cause was.

While at work I typically listen to a myriad of music depending on my mood and the level of focus I need to have on the task. Commonly when working one particular report I listen to instrumental; predominately piano/classical pieces. The music doesn't stop when I take a call, it just mutes into the background. At one point I took a call and when I answered my headset it was this climactic and intense piece on cellos that had been building and building. By the time the call ended it was a solo pianist caressing the notes for Fur Elise. It was almost a letdown.

As a circle back to the car issue, Mercury is yet again in retrograde (it appears as thought it is traveling in reverse of the Earth's orbit. Fascinating in many ways. Commonly thought to be a time of communications and technological issues, but also a time for fixing mistakes of the past. Yea, so the car thing isn't as shocking to me now. The struggle with some of my associates is also more easily understood. Not that I don't take great pains to ALWAYS communicate clearly in openly, but in these phases I take an even more exhausting approach at being patient with everyone else's stupid.

I feel even worse for the hubs though; being he is an IT person these retrogrades hit technology hard. You can imagine what this entails for him combined with difficult communications. Just the other day there was a wonderful moment as I pumped a cup of decaf a woman from another department, whom I had chatted with before, said, "I didn't realize your husband was the IT guy."

_blink blink_

THE IT guy, huh? I hate it when people put it that way. Surely there are no others within our organization....

Of course, in my eyes, he is the best of them, but I may be biased.

I chuckled and replied, "I hope that means he fixed an issue of yours."

"Nope, he was working on so-and-so's machine."

.........

Now it is time to put in my FML drops and enjoy a delicious comforting dinner of chicken and veggie soup. Mmmmm....

Doodle Time

Instead of writing with alphabetical characters I chose to write in the broad strokes of marker.  Just as therapeutic.

I Know The Honey Is Here Somewhere....

It snowed overnight. If you could call it that. The world around me was blanketed in the thinnest coverlet of the powdery white stuff.

It was wonderful when I forced myself from bed and glanced at the weather app on my phone. It promptly informed me that it was 24° F outside with an 80% chance of snow at that very moment.... "Hrm..." I thought, "That's fairly good odds...."

I took a gander out my bedroom window to a world glowing orange.

Being an Oregonian living West of the Cascade mountains, the seven year old part of my brain started squealing like a psycho. I pulled on my gear and grabbed my phone. I wasn't going to run, but I was going to enjoy that early morning quiet that comes with fresh fallen snow.

The scenery did not disappoint and I wish I had just snagged my camera for the adventure in place of my cell phone. Alas, I was able to capture some pictures. This one was my favorite of my solitary jaunt through the snow.

After I returned home we enjoyed breakfast and then decided to venture out around the yard with the tiny terror. This is the first time we have had snow stick on the valley floor in almost two years. She was two months old last time and taking her out in it was just not going to happen.

We all bundled up and out we went. At first she was completely unsure of how to react to this odd substance covering her world. With trepidation and caution, after seeing both her father and I, she scooped up her first handful of the crystalline water.

About thirty minutes and an extremely pink button nose later we convinced her it was time to return indoors with the promise of hot chocolate and a movie.

The rest of the day has proceeded in a quiet, calm fashion (other than the random outbursts that are to be expected with a two year old).

As I work to refocus on my overall health I am getting back to the things I know work for me. Beyond just meal planning, I am committed to sticking to it. Dining out tends to be both unhealthy in the choices made and financially unhealthy.

I am also taking the time to prep and plan my snacks for at work during the week. The main thing here is to stop taking the tiny person's snack foods. I need to remember to cycle through my favorites as I go along so I don't get burnt out on just snacking on the same things all the time.

The key ones right now are trail mix (portioned properly!), Greek yogurt, homemade granola (see picture below), fruit and veg. These are my power house snacks. They keep me full and happy through the workday and are nutritionally valuable.

I admittedly always get out of whack around the holidays and this year was no exception. It's so easy to do, and so fucking hard to correct. The worst of it for me is the bloated icky feeling I get all at once after the holidays. Never fails. It tends to make me feel gross and in turn I kind of treat myself like shit. Like, I am the mean girl from middle school mocking me and taunting me in my head. I get down on myself and there tends to be a lot of self loathing. Even though I know in my mind that I may have gained five to ten pounds of water weight from all this poor eating, that mean girl tells me I have gained thirty and I will never be the picture of health I have for myself.

This year started no differently. Then I shot the dumb mean girl. BOOM! Head shot!

I know what I need to do to feel better and I am doing it. I don't have the time or room to allow this sort of mentality to continue. Rather than wallow I need to move. I need to jump, run, laugh, crochet, write, draw, sing off key and love myself.

And that's what I am going to do.

You should try it too. I bet you'd be great at it.

My quinoa enchilada casserole is about done so I need to wash up the prep stuff and get the finishing touches to dinner together.

Tumor Soup

Totally not PC... The title is at the bequest of my dear husband. It was a fun name he gave my tomato soup at lunch today since I had three meatballs in it. Spares from my mini food prep action this morning. Made 78 meatballs and they are now bagged and literally chilling in the freezer. They will be a variety of meals throughout the month.

I imagine Collin cringing as he sits next to me typing this. The other night he gave me the sweetest compliment... He said it sounded like I was trying to punch my space bar through the bottom of my laptop.... I have never noticed.

We're watching Pitch Perfect for our "date night". I love these movies.

After the always precious nap time (I am grateful the wee one still naps) we went to OMSI and spent about an hour letting her run around the Science Playground. She spent most of the time in the water area. It's her favorite. She loves bath time so it makes sense.

Spaz is watching Pitch Perfect... It's always unsettling to me when she actively watches what's on TV.

Tomorrow morning I am hoping to get a run in before the forewarned snowpocalypse / icetrophe arrives... Yea, we are under a winter weather advisory.... We shall see. I hope it snows. The last time it really snowed the tiny human was all of two months old. Now she could actually enjoy it, assuming she isn't terrified of it like the cat. Quickest way to convince our idiot cat to stay inside is open a door out into the snow.

We also plan to experiment with allowing the little monster to wear real underwear. She is working on the potty training business but her interest comes and goes inn waves. We figure letting her try panties instead of pull ups might help. I know she hates to have accidents so maybe this will be the right kind of encouragement. In our dream world we will have her completely potty trained before she is three, but at the same time it all comes down to what she wants. Damn little independent creature. I am trying to use her hatred of the changing stations in stores and restaurants to encourage her transition to the big girl potty.

This is a disjointed post.

Dinner tonight was delicious. How to tell my body is craving the good for it stuff again. Caesar salad, herb, parmesan crusted tilapia and a sliced tomato. Perfect. Wonderful. So goddamn good.

I asked the little one what she would kind of pancakes she would like for breakfast tomorrow. Her response?

"Blue!"

....

Luckily, I have some dried blueberries in the pantry. not enough to do the pancakes by the selves so it will be cranberry, blueberry pancakes.

I feel the urge to share my dinner plans for the month with you... Maybe tomorrow.

Next weekend, after class, we will finally be going to see the new Star Wars movie. I hear your collective gasp, but yes, with a toddler and the holidays finding time to go to the movies is a little difficult. No, I am not one of those parents comfortable taking a toddler to the movies. Especially not something that deserves my undivided attention like the cinematic masterpiece that is The Force Awakens.

I am excited.

Now I am going to make hot chocolate and popcorn.

(PS, I have decided to stop editing before posting, so if you find something completely wrong or incorrect or anything, meh, I don't fucking care...)

Sleep well!

The Current Is Cold and Swift

After much lollygagging and internal debate I rolled out of bed at 5:30 this morning. My alarm was set for 5am... Oops. I pulled on my cropped compression pants, socks, sports bra and sleeveless shirt. I pulled my hair back into a slick ponytail and made my way down the stairs.

With only the vaguest hint of uncertainty I laced my shoes, slapped on my ankle reflector and pulled my fleece quarter-zip over my head. I strolled into the kitchen. Dammit, I forgot to empty our reusable coffee pod from last night. I tap the used grounds out and rinse it before placing it in the drying rack. The coffee maker is doing it magical heat up sequence as I grab one of the spare pods and level a scoop and a half of decaf into it.

We agreed to switch to decaf at the new years because caffeine was becoming a crutch. I've also cut out sugar from my cup o' joe.

I start my cup of coffee and with only the slightest bit of resignation step into the living room where I proceed to do about twenty jumping jacks. I ponder what my brother said last week at Christmas. "Aren't jumping jacks kind of hard on you joints? Like jarring a lot?" Truth be told, they might be, but they do their job and I do mine.

My limbs wake up. My heart starts pumping. My brain has already began production of the endorphins that I will ride upon through the rest of the day. I head for the front door. I remember the discussion from last night, "What's the temp supposed to be like at 6am?"

"Oh, about 28 but feel like 21."

Joy.

I pull on my gloves and put on one of my head wrap things as a scarf/mask. I put the second one on; covering my ears and the shaved underside of my hair. I pull on my windbreaker and zip it up to the top. Finally, I add my strobe light reflector bands - one on each arm just above the elbow. One last eye drop as I reflect on the doctor's comments about how people don't realize it is so much drier in the winter time, even if it's raining, because of the cold air.

The dead bolt slides from the frame and into the door. I step over the threshold and the cold instantly slaps my face and whips around my exposed shins. Luckily it is only the lower third - half of my shins and calves that are exposed.

I start walking. I marvel at the crisp dryness in the air. It's so clear out. Even with a half moon and the ambient light of this sleep town I see a million stars. The wind is whipping around trees and buildings. Howling out of the east like daggers of dry ice.

Before I realize it I am at the top of the hill and on the border of our neighborhood. Damn, I had meant to run up the hill, but I was so distracted by the glittering beauty of the sky. I cross the road and pick up the pace. I only run through the shadows. It's not out of fear, it just happens to be a perfect pace marker. As I hit each crosswalk I walk and slow my breathing. The moment I am past the street lamp post on the other side I run. I alternate like this until I am away from the town homes and in the odd void between our neighborhood and an industrial area. My goal? The police station. It's the end of the road.

As I lose the wind break afforded me by the town homes I feel the wind begin to tug at my ponytail and push at my back. "This will be fun on the way back." I think as I look at the flags whipping in the wind, never offering a moments respite for the material.

I hit the end of the road and turn into the wind. Its presence so much more obvious as I run against it. Rather than the cold encouragement at my back it is frozen fingers tearing at me. I pull my mask up and my headband down. Maybe goggles would be nice for runs like this. The air is like a ceaseless current around my ankles, the exposed skin reacting, but at this point not necessarily recognizing the true temperature of the air. Lotion will be needed to prevent my sensitive skin from drying out.

I push myself until I am back in the safety of the town homes shadows. They ease the wind's pressure ever so slightly.

I reach the top of the hill and make my way down. As I run the last half block I look up at the sky and thank myself for taking the time to do this.

I reach the porch and stop for a moment to stretch out my calves and most importantly my plantar fascia. The last thing I want is for that to act up.

I walk back into the house just as my wonderful partner is going to retrieve our tiny demon from her bed. Time to make pancakes and see what the rest of this amazing day has in store.

I hope you enjoyed this peak inside my brain. I don't knnow how I managed to hold onto this while we ran errands and I cleaned the carpet, but here it is. Now for a quick power nap before we head off to a little shindig.