Don't Make Me Send Guido After You...

I really really don't want to have to send Guido after you... I mean he is one scary Mo-Fo.

As we all know we are in a rather stressful economic period (aka a recession, that's right you chicken shit economic analysts, I said it, RECESSION!!) and though in one aspect, the industry I am in (collections) is "booming", it is getting harder and harder to recover the bad debts our clients assign to us. We face so many obstacles in trying to collect these past due bills because the consumers are facing so many obstacles too. They are losing their jobs, their homes, and so on and so forth. It is my office's job as a collection agency to overcome these objections and get the bills paid, whether by payment in full, a payment plan, a settlement offer, or as a last resort issuing a payroll garnishment (assuming said consumer has a job). Below is more or less a joke, a way to vent my frustration at things being beyond my control. So please, don't think me evil, or crude, or crazy... Okay, well the last one maybe, but that's a given.

Overcoming The Objections: Practical Collection Techniques for The Modern Collection Agency

Objection: Consumer- "I just can't afford to pay this all right now."
Collector- "We can set up a payment arrangement to take care of the balance."
Consumer- "Okay, I can do that...."

Objection: Consumer- "I just lost my job and I can't afford to pay this bill."
Collector- "Are you getting unemployment? We can work out a smaller payment plan until you get back to work. I am willing to work with you on this account."
Consumer- "Thank you, I can probably do...."
If that doesn't work, know your local job market and find out what kind of work they do. Worst Case Scenario: Collector- "Have you consider selling plasma? Or maybe even a kidney?"

Objection: Consumer- "I can barely afford to keep a roof over my kids' heads and keep them fed. I really have no way to make my payment."
Collector- (first check local and state law before proceeding with this tactic) "Have you considered renting out your kid? Or even maybe selling him/her? I heard there is good money to be had for young, easy-to-train children."
If the consumer doesn't immediately hang up on you, or demand to speak to a supervisor after making this suggestion, you know you have a consumer that really does want to pay their past due obligation.

Objection: Consumer- "I have to make my truck payment this month, I have no other way to get to and from work, so I can't deal with this bill right now."
Collector- "You drive a 2007 Ford F350 Super Duty right? Dark blue with plate number 245DPG? What kind of payment are you making on that?" (Not only does this scare the bejeezus out of them, but it lets them know you have driven by their house or at least pulled a DMV report on them)
Consumer- "Ummm.... The payments are $389 a month plus the insurance which is another $125 a month."
Collector- "Have you ever considered trading that vehicle in for something more affordable like a used mid-nineties Geo Metro? Or even a late nineties Hyundai Accent? Or maybe even a bike...?" (now would be the time for a nice little psychological pause)
......
Consumer- "Uh, I guess I could find a way to get my payment in to you this month..."

Objection: Consumer- "I was horribly maimed and lost an arm in a terrifying mill accident, so now I can't work, and I can't pay this bill."
Collector- "I am terribly sorry you got hurt, but you still need to take care of your obligations. Surely you are getting workman's comp, or some other form of monetary compensation for the injury you sustained? Have they offered you a settlement? Would you be able to take care of this when you get that?"
Consumer- "I just lost my arm and all you care about is that stupid bill!!"
Collector- "Again I apologize for what happened to you, but my client provided a service and just as you deserve to be paid for your arm, he deserves to be paid for his services."
If the consumer is still on the line at this point you may have talked him down and now you may be able to get some money out of the poor bastard.

Objection: Consumer- "I just don't have the money to pay this."
Collector- "I had really hoped we could work this out and get this taken care of over the phone... *sigh* I guess I have no choice. Are you going to be home for the next few hours?"
Consumer- "Well, yes... What does this have to do with me paying the bill, I told you I don't have any money..."
Collector- "I understand that. I am just going to have one of my associates drop by with some paperwork and see if we can get something worked out that way. So you know him when you see him, he's about six foot five, muscular, bulky like a professional wrestler, dark hair, and olive complexion. His name is Guido..."
Consumer- "Um, I could actually probably come down there and work something out, maybe make a small token payment of twenty dollars. You don't need to send Guido..."
The consumer should sound a little shaken, like maybe they even peed their pants.

We collection people aren't bad people, we're just people working to make a living. I like to believe we're a little better than telemarketers. Yes, like them we want money, but we want it for a past due bill, we're not trying to sell you useless junk. We have hard times just like most of the people we collect from, and some of us have even been "in collections" ourselves.

I am going to read. Peace Out.