Making The Decision aka Crying Over Spilled Milk

Yesterday was a sad and disappointing day.

First, we found out that Emma should wait on her shots until she is officially two CALENDAR months  old. We did take her in for the rest of her two month check up and are scheduled to take her in for her vaccinations next Thursday.

The upside to the appointment was learning that she has grown almost three inches in length since birth.

The extreme downside is that she has not gained nearly enough weight. And as embarassing and painful as it is to say this she is not even eight pounds yet. This broke my heart and made me feel like I had failed my child to provide adequate nutrition. I know that this doesn't make me a bad mother, and that it is not my fault. Every woman and child are different. For whatever reason my milk, though there is enough volume to satisfy her, it doesn't seem to be transferring enough nutrition to her.

Before the barage of articles and information hits: I have tried everything posible to not only help boost my supply but make sure she is getting the good hind milk more than the watery fore milk. And when I say I have tried everything, I mean it. It has been exhausting, but I would continue doing it, and would do it all over again because it is for her.

I have taken fenugreek. I eat oatmeal on a daily basis. I eat several small meals throughout the day. I focus on eating proteins, healthy fats (nuts, avocado, etc), fruits and veggies. I haven't been pushing myself to lose my pregnancy weight; in fact (frustratingly enough) I have gained about five to ten pounds, so I now have ten to fifteen pounds to get down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I drink tons of water (again the volume of milk hasn't been much of an issue except when she hits growing spurts). I pump. I've tried pumping before to get the fore milk out. I've pumped after to completely empty the boob. I've pumped between feedings to keep the demand up. I've even managed to mostly master pumping DURING a feeding. Pump one boob while she is on the other.

At this point, supply isn't so much the issue as nutrients are.

After discussing this with our doctor last night, and having discussed it amongst ourselves prior, we have decided to start supplementing with formula. For now, the idea is just to supplement with one feeding at bedtime, and I pump. Hopefully this will be enough. I am preparing myself for the potential need to switch to formula entirely, but I truly hope I can maintain providing the majority of her food.

It's heartbreaking. A mommy friend really put it best when I was chatting with her about it. It's difficult to not be able to be the "provider" for your child, especially when it is something you want to do, badly. To be replaced by something on a shelf can make a person feel useless. I know inside that I am still her mother, and that I am doing what is best for her, and that I am not useless, but the feelings are still there.

Honestly? I cried about it. Not just the need to supplement, but the potential for switching to formula 100%. I also cried about the fact that I "blinded" myself to the fact that my little one was underweight. I believed she was gaining the weight, especially as she obviously is getting longer and longer. The whole thing has left me feeling a little raw, but thanks to my lovely husband and great supportive friends I know that it will all work out as it should.

With the embarassment I feel about the situation and the sadness you might be wondering why I am sharing this with you. I am hoping by putting this out there I will find some internal peace. I imagine I could just keep this in a private journal, but what is the use in that? Hell, maybe, just maybe there is another new mom out there, reading these words, and going through the exact same thing. To you, mysterious other mommy, just know you are not alone in this plight. There have been many before me, and I have no doubt there will be many after me. You will be okay, and you know in your deepest heart of hearts you are doing what is best for your child to thrive, and DO NOT let anyone judge you for that.

Now, in all sincerity, this may be the last post for a bit, but with the new developements I hope I can get on here to share our progress.

Contortionist Houdini Baby

One thing that has been fun and quite the learning experience is Emma's sleep habits. Everything from her sleeping positions to the noises she makes to how long and when she will sleep.

During the day when she is not forced to sleep on her back in her crib (as in she sleeps on me or next to wherever I sit on the couch) she likes to curl up in some of the weirdest and most uncomfortable looking positions. Wheras at night when she is relegated to her crib and on her back she becomes this masterful magician capable of escaping any confinement. Okay, not any, but she figures out how too get herself out of the super amazing swaddle Collin puts her in.

We even tried the Swaddle Me blankets that have velcro closures. She managed to get her arms either out or tangled up trying to get them out. 

As for sounds? She likes to chuckle in her sleep and occasionally all out laugh. This is only mildly creepy. What really freaks me out is when she randomly screams/wails in her sleep. Imagine yourself blissfully passed out after struggling to convince an overstimulated infant to shut her eyes and go to sleep. Next thing you know you jerk awake because the tiny human lets loose a terrifying shriek over the baby monitor. You sit up, preparing to go and get her for a feeding or a diaper change when she then chuckles and then radio silence as she has gone back to sleep. In a few minutes you might be able to calm yourself down and go back to sleep. This happens at least once a week.

Another thing that I really wish the little monster wouldn't do is nuzzling. During the day when she is sleeping in my arms, or on the couch next to me she likes to nuzzle up to stuff and then leave her face up against whatever she was nuzzling (i.e. my arm, my chest, the couch, etc.). This leads me to having to reposition her constantly, which about 50% of the time causes her to awake sooner than she would like which == cranky baby. Sometimes she isn't too bad... Sometimes.

Many of my FB friends think I must have this super angelic awesome infant because I tyically only post the good things. If I posted very single time I am exhausted and she is being a little hellion, there would be twice as many bad posts as the good ones. The last two months have been the most interesting of my life and even with all the rough times, it goes without saying I woudn't trade them for all the riches in the universe (although the riches would be nice in addition to the two months). I just can't believe I am heading back to work in just a few more days.

I will be honest with all of you now. Realistically, I won't be able to post as often as we would all like me to. I'm hoping for weekly posts, but yea, any of you mommies know best laid plans and such... LOL

I am now going to focus my attention on the adorable little girl that is dozing in my arms as I type this (so forgive any typos). <3

Warming Up

I can't believe that I have already hit the one week mark before I return to work from my maternity leave. It's just mind boggling.

On the books for today, Emma and I are venturing out to Babies'R'Us and Freddies for some shopping. First I thought I would throw down some awesome words about the discoveries of late. This is my warm up week before I go back next week, so each morning I am waking up like I would need to for work, getting dressed in real clothes as opposed to sweats and PJs, and I am not snoozing the morning hours away with my wee one on the couch.

Five things I have found I should NOT eat unless I want Emma's butt to be considered a chemical weapon/bio-hazard:
Beans (in excess)
Broccoli (in excess - like more than every other day)
Processed chicken (i.e. McDonalds')
Craisins (raisins be cool, but not the dried cranberries...)
Frozen pizza (specifically DiGiorno)

My conundrum of a child keeps growing in length but she isn't filling out as much. She is almost too long for the three month clothing we have for her, yet she is just now starting to fill out some of them... Not that I want her to be "fat" but I wouldn't mind seeing her a little chubbier... I'm confident she is getting enough to eat since she eats until she is completely full; like spit up the excess full because she is a gluttonous string bean. I figure I will chat with her doctor about it when we are in for her two month appointment this week. Everything I've read on the super wonderful interwebs says it is normal for some babies to just be skinny/lean and as long as they are hitting all the expected milestones it's nothing to be concerned about. But that's the interwebs, I just want confirmation that this is sound from her doctor.

I'd hate to think she is not getting enough nutrients from my milk. I am purposely focusing on taking in healthy fats and proteins along with a balanced amount of complex carbs and fruits and veggies. I personally feel like I am overeating, but anytime I "slack" on my intake my milk supply seems to dip a bit. That has been the biggest frustration for me in the last month.

Which leads me into the biggest dilemma I have been struggling with due to my OCD/controlling demeanor. My plan/goal is to breastfeed for the entire first year. As I learned with her arrival, things won't always go as I want/plan. I have considered the option of switching to formula so I know she definitely is "getting enough to eat". Then I feel like I am cheating/being lazy; this could be from the stigma of the time we live in; breast is best [yep, I know], formula feeding can lead to weight issues in the future, and blah blah blah. I know, I've heard them all. I've sought advice from forums, lactation consultants, and mommy friends who've been there done that, for ways to insure I maintain a steady and growing milk supply. I've been busting my boobies to try and meet this demand.

The biggest test will be next week when I go back to work. If I am not pumping enough to supply her at daycare then I'm not sure what I will do. I dread the idea of supplementing with formula as it can just lead to further drop in supply. Then of course there's the disgustingly high cost of formula. 

Okay, okay. Enough of that crap. Felt good to get it out there though.

In other amazing developments:

Emma has started smiling at us. It is the most beautifully sweet smile I have ever seen (and yes, I realize I am obviously biased). I can't wait to be able to catch it on camera and share it with people! She is also working on her grasping reflex. She also likes feeling things with her adorable little hands. Which can be weird when I am nursing. She will lovingly stroke my boob and then claw her hand across it... Kind of cruel if you ask me since she has little baby razor nails...

Well, now she is awake. So we shall have a quick snack and then it's time for a mommy baby adventure!

Noxious Fumes Can Come From The Cutest Sources

Random note: It sucks when you need to stretch while nursing.

After the first couple of emotional and rocky weeks we settled into a routine of sorts. Both of us adults  working to figure out how best to please this tiny human we are now responsible for. I will tell you this; six weeks in and we are doing pretty good. The only time it's been truly tough lately has been when dealing with her colic.

Luckily, I have a plethora of friends who have been there, done that, and they have been great for tips, tricks, and advice. I take it all with a grain of salt knowing full well what works great for one baby doesn't necessarily work well for others. One thing that has worked wonders: Wellements Gripe Water. A friend who has a wee one a few months older than mine suggested it, and it has been a lifesaver.

Truth be told, this little jelly bean amazes Collin and I on a daily basis. Not just because we are witnessing her as she develops and learns. The biggest thing? The horrific stench that comes out of her tiny little butt... I mean, seriously?! How can something so tiny and cute contain such toxic and raunchy smelling gas?  Collin constantly asks me what I am feeding her. Sad fact is that we haven't been able to figure out what make her such a stink butt. I've even tried limiting dairy in case that was it and cut out other random things but to no avail.She could most men to shame. Her beef is strong...

The weekend before xmas Miss Stinkbutt hit her first big growth spurt. It was a nightmare, and another one of the many things no one really forewarns you about. It was about thirty six hours of hourly feedings and super evil fussy baby action. I swear she literally was growing as I watched her. Side note: Her next growth spurt is due any day now (between six and eight weeks). Sooo looking forward to that...

Christmas was awesome. On Christmas eve we went to Collin's Aunt's house. His aunt, uncle, cousin, sister, sister's boyfriend, sis' bf's mom, and Collin's mom were all there, and got to meet Miss Emma. What made this even more special was that there had been a rift between us and his family for about two years caused by stress and misunderstandings during a really difficult time. The only sad part of this visit was the absolute knowledge (we had a feeling it would be the case but...) that Collin's mom will never remember her granddaughter. She doesn't really remember who I am at this point, but I am thankful she still remembers Collin. Other than that it was a lovely gathering and Emma was fawned over by all.

On Christmas day we ventured to my grandma's for dinner. Emma got to meet her great nana and great grandpa Wayne, along with my dad and my younger brother. My mom and sister were both sick, so they didn't make it.

In super current events (like this happened in the last hour), the stinkbutt jelly bean in question just gave her momma a super surprise! Thank goodness we switched her to the size one diapers last week! What she just did would have been an atomic blowout if she had been in a newborn diaper... The size ones are still "big" on her around the waist but that's due to her continual growth up versus out...  Hopefully soon she will fill out a little. Length-wise she is fitting PERFECTLY into the three month clothes, but most are still CRAZY baggy on her.

Back to the lead up to today.

Saturday after xmas we ventured to Salem to visit my niece and give her the chane to meet her cousin, after swinging out to Canby to see Collin's grandma/Jelly Bean's namesake. It was a great day.

The next week was mellow and uneventful. Midnight New Years Eve came as I was nursing fuss butt. The biggest thing is Emma hit the one month mark. It shocked the crap out of me how fast the first month had gone by, but then considering the first two weeks and then the holidays I guess it makes sense. That Friday I took Emma into my work; she was oohed and ahhed over by all. With it being cold and flu time I didn't really let anyone hold her or touch her.

Last week I had my postpartum checkup; all went well. Emma of course has continued to grow. I know in the next week or two she will be hitting the next big growth spurt. I am prepared for a day or two of constant feedings and a cranky baby. Plus, I'm sure Emma will be fun too... LOL. The biggest accomplishment in my book was that I was able to get her to take a nap in her crib while I took a super fast shower. It was an amazing feat!

Saturday, our good friend came over to see Emma. It was great visiting and sharing fun stories about the new parent experience.

Yesterday I finally bit the bullet and went to introduce Emma to my mother. The visit went better than I could have hoped for.My mom remained mellow, and Emma managed meeting a new person fantastically (not that she has been otherwise antisocial). My mom attempted to give me unnecessary advice, and I listened politely, smiled and nodded. I gave her a copy of the birth announcement (and this is the one thing she did to grate on my nerves) and she asked if I had brought anymore pictures. I told her honestly that I haven't had time to even print pictures for ourselves. I had told her when I made the plans that I didn't have any pictures other than the birth announement. Yea, other than that small moment it was probably the best visit I have had with my mother in forever.

It's crazy to think that my two month leave is almost over... Two and a half weeks left. Next week is the last "peaceful" week. The final week of my leave we have Emma's two month check up, and I have to get all her stuff set up at the daycare.

I feel like I am forgetting something I wanted to share about the last few weeks but I am totally blanking. In the midst of typing the paragraph about the visit with my mom Emma needed fed and then I finally got her asleep so that I could eat my lunch. I then took the opportunity to prep some guacamole for my afternoon snack (avocado == healthy fats for the boob milk). I have been gnoshing on that with ancient grain chips (heart them). Also on the topic of food, I have fallen in love with tossing almonds and walnuts in with my oatmeal for breakfast (more healthy fats) along with sliced fresh strawberries.

Speaking of her sleep, she has been having these awesome nights where she sleeps for three to four hours for at least one stretch of the night. It's still hit or miss. Some nights she still wakes up ever two hours for food, but more and more I am getting one decent stretch of sleep. Two of the last three nights the little angel gave me four plus hours between feedings. Eventually I will even be able to sleep the entire time she is asleep.

Well while my little snorlax is a-snoozing I am going to do some surfing while Alias plays in the bakground. Never watched the show when it was on, but I have been kind of watching it on Netflix much as I did Lost... LOL.

The Beginning Seems The Distant Past

My darling Emma is sleeping peacefully next to me. I swear everyday she grows. I know I have witnessed this with my nieces and nephew as well as all of my friends' children, but it is so much more profound when it is my offspring doing it.

The first two weeks were rougher than I had ever expected following Emma's momentous entrance into the world. As I mentioned at the end of the last post, we were released from the hospital but had to return twenty four hours later.

The reason for this was Emma's bilirubin count at her thirty six hour testing was elevated. Bilirubin is essentially the broken down red blood cells that the liver typically processes. More often than I realized, infants can have higher than normal levels which causes jaundice. Most babies flush it out on their own but in Emma's case the levels kept rising. They never reached the truly dangerous levels, but Emma did need phototherapy and formula supplementing to flush it out of her system. I am sort of getting ahead of myself...

I knew something wasn't quite right when our first night home when I had to wake her up every couple of hours to eat, and she wanted to sleep through the feedings. Also there was the yellow tinge to her skin... At our mother/baby visit the day after we initially went home she had to have another bilirubin check done; which exhibited that her levels had continued to increase. After a botched attempt to get an outpatient bili-blanket delivered in a timely manner, and conferring with the pediatrician that was on duty at the hospital we decided it was in her best interest to take her back to the hospital and get the treatment going.

The phototherapy they use for treating jaundice in newborns is essentially a tanning bed blanket (so to speak). It's a UV light blanket that gets wrapped around the baby's torso. The outpatient version is essentially the same but smaller and not as strong.

We were in the hospital for two nights, and then came home AGAIN Tuesday (December 10th) and had to continue with th photo therapy. It was difficult for me not being able to do skin to skin tummy time with her, and having to feed her formula and breastmilk from a bottle. I was an emotional wreck, and was crying at the drop of a hat. All the stress and worry, wanting her jaundice to clear up, frustration of having to give her formula, everything was just beyond what I had expected (but that's having a kid right?). Again, I can't begin to express how grateful and blessed I am to have my wonderful husband. He helped me out so much, and was so supportive while I dealt with my "baby blues".

What made this even more brutal was the knowledge of how finite Collin's time with us at home was (he started a new job on the 16th). We had constantly had to go to the lab for more bloodwork and follow-up appointments. I think we only had one, maybe two days at home between me being induced and Collin returning to work. The first eleven days were truly a whirlwind that flew by in such a emotional blur.

Collin began his new amazing job, and I had my first day home alone with Emma. It was one of the best days. Her bilirubin count was down to normal, and she didn't look like a lemon jelly bean. Collin enjoyed his first day at work. I was still emotionally raw, and getting to sleep was kind of tearful.

One of my biggest saving graces that first week flying solo during the day was K coming up Tuesday and Thursday to afford me a chance to sleep and shower (not that Collin didn't let me do these things LOL).

Wednesday the 18th was Emma's two week check up and we were ecstatic to learn that she had not only got back up to her birth weight but she was above and beyond it! It is typical of newborns to lose a small percentage of their birth weight immediately after being born but they like to see the baby's weight rebounded by the two week mark. Emma was born at six pounds but dropped down to five pounds eight ounces. At her two week appointment she weighed in at  six pounds and ten ounces! Over a half a pound above her birth weight!

And that was the blurred beginning of this wonderful adventure called parenthood. For the next installment we will mostly just try and get caught up to current. The sad fact is knowing I will be returning to work in just over three weeks. I am excited (since I am getting a wee bit stir crazy and going for walks just ain't cutting it) and saddened  all at the same time, which I know is perfectly normal.

So next post: the holidays, extreme gas, colic, and (depending on if I post before or after next Tuesday) a visit with my mother...

The Entire Universe Has Shifted AKA I'll Sleep In Two to Twenty Years

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC DETAILS AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS! TOO MUCH INFORMATION IS GUARANTEED TO BE GIVEN, SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

The disclaimer provided I shall now begin. It's taken me a month to gather the time and energy for this post. As I had said in prior posts, I am excited to finally have my own personal labor and delivery experience, and it is my intent to share 100% of the details as I remember them. There is a good chance that this post will have to be written piecemeal; if this is the case I will even share with you the when and why I had to stop and come back to it. At this particular moment my adorable jelly bean is sleeping peacefully in her front pack strapped to my chest. What an amazing journey this has been. I am going to back track briefly to the two weeks leading up to my daughter's birth for some much needed information.

November 21st / Week 36: My one an only doctors appointment NOT with the OB/GYN I had been seeing for the entire pregnancy. I do not like doctors to begin with and the one that I was slated to see is one that I had heard not a single positive thing about. I was already anxious so needless to say my BP was reading slightly higher than normal; what exacerbated the issue was the fact that the people trying to read it would not listen to me about the best way to take my vitals WITHOUT causing any pain. Luckily, at the end of the appointment my regular OB's nurse happen to be available and was sent in to re-check my BP... It was fine.

November 26th: First NST, they hooked me up and listened to the baby. She sounded great, and she kept kicking where the monitors were on my abdomen. They took my BP with an auto inflation machine with a cuff that was too small; this gave me off the wall high readings. Since my weight loss, the excess skin on my upper arms makes BP readings sooo much fun... After the NST we retook the BP with a manual manometer and the correct size cuff, and shocker! it was normal.... I apparently also had trace amounts of protein in my urine which with the BP readings gave concern of potential pre-eclampsia. So they had me do a 24 hour urine sample... Yea, I had to collect my pee for 24 hours and then turn it in to the lab. So much fun when you have a full time effing job...

November 28th / Week 37 /Thanksgiving: As I place the turkey in the oven Kaiser calls me. They wanted me to come in so they could induce me that day. I said, "No, I want to see my regular doctor on Tuesday before I proceed with anything unless I go into labor naturally." I had no other symptoms other than the false high BP readings and my 24 hour urine came back "slightly elevated." The normal range is 300mg or less for proteins; mine was 314mg... o_0 They did request I at least come in for an NST which I said I would but not that day.

November 30th: NST; again the BP was jacked until they FINALLY listened and located a manual manometer and correct size cuff. Then after doing serial readings they agreed that my original plan to wait and see my doctor was okay. I also had blood work done at the appointment on the 26th, and again at this visit; it was ALL perfectly normal.

December 3rd: NST and doctor's appointment; NST went perfect except for the damn auto BP readings, and still same trace proteins in my urine. My doctor was concerned and requested that I allow them to admit me and induce or at least monitor me overnight. Collin and I talked through it and agreed to at least allow them to do the monitoring and talk to the Labor and Delivery staff about what they thought.

That night I was admitted and after talking with the doctor agreed to be induced (which it was hard for me to agree to this and put my trust in the medical staff). Collin ran home and got all of our stuff while I read up on all the options for induction. I had planned on having a natural birth (well, as natural as possible), so I wanted a method that was less drugs and more my body taking the cues to do its job; even if it wasn't ready to.

I chose to go with the most natural choice for beginning labor; the Foley Bulb. This method works by inserting a balloon inside the cervix and slowly filling it with saline to begin softening and opening the cervix (there is a smaller balloon that stays outside the cervix to keep stuff in place). It was crampy at first and did begin causing some sporadic but manageable contractions. The bulb was inserted at 10pm.

December 4th: Bulb inside me, mild contractions, and tons of walking. Sixteen hours after the bulb was inserted (around 2pm) it came out when I went to the bathroom to pee; it felt so weird... They checked me and as expected I was about four to five centimeters dilated and about 60% effaced. I had managed to doze off and on overnight; they were continually taking my BP, which was completely normal throughout so I won't really be mentioning that again. At this point I was hooked up to an actual IV line (they place the catheter and a saline plug at admission) and they started pitocin to really kick shit into gear. The contractions became much stronger but I was still managing them fairly well. As the pitocin was upped they got stronger but it wasn't unbearable, just frequent and annoying. Oh and did I mention that as of 2:30 that day I was on liquids only? No food... I dozed as I could, but never really got any rest.

December 5th: This is the eleven hours when shit got real. At 2:30am (twelve hours after the pitocin was started) I was still at about five cm, but effaced to about 70%. They opted to break my water and really get this show on the road. And let me tell you, it was the weirdest and most disturbing sensation as what felt like GALLONS of fluid came flying out, and then after the fact more would come out as I moved or had contractions... Yea, the contractions got beyond intense at this point. Mind you I was already starving and completely exhausted having essentially been "up" since 4:30am on the third. I tried all the different positions; the birthing ball, standing, squatting, and nothing gave a bit of relief. I made more noise during this phase than when I got to the end of the ordeal. By 6am I was shaking so bad from exhaustion and the contractions were literally a minute or less apart. I requested to speak to the midwife at this point.

I had her check my progress and almost lost it when I was told that I was about six cm and 70-80% effaced. At this rate I felt like the baby would never come out, and I admitted to myself that I was at my limit. With comfort and assurance from Collin (who was amazing through the whole process and I may have to do a total separate post to do his awesomeness justice) and the midwife, I decided to have an epidural. It wasn't part of my plan, but I knew that I couldn't go on like this for (potentially) another twelve plus hours.

At 6:30am the anesthesiologist came in and set me up. Within fifteen minutes I couldn't feel the contractions and passed out into blissful sleep. I don't hardly remember the staff checking my vitals, or turning me, or anything really.

Next thing I know (I later learned it was about 10:30am) I woke up to my contractions, and what truly felt like the baby's head trying to come out on it's own. I could hardly speak through the pain so I was unable to get Collin's attention (he was passed out on the couch across the room), but I managed to find the nurse button. I figured I had pinched my epidural line or something and it had worn off. The person who responded asked what I needed over the intercom, and I just asked to speak to my nurse (that was all I could coherently think to say).

Suddenly my nurse was there along with about half a dozen others including the delivery doctor, the midwife, and the L&D surgeon. They turned me onto my other side and were putting the oxygen on my face as Collin came awake to them discussing an emergency C-section. The baby had had a really long d-cel and her heart rate had dropped into the fifties during it. Thankfully, it came back up to normal, and they decided to check me. While checking me the doctor was like, "You are completely effaced and at nine cm. Oh, here comes a contraction (as her hand is all up in my business), and wow, you're completely dilated now. Her cervix literally just melted away with that contraction."

With that they decided to try and let me deliver without a C-section, but had forceps ready in case I couldn't push hard enough and needed help.The nurses grabbed my legs and helped me hold them (they were completely numb after all), Collin took position at my head, and the doctor was at ground zero. I began pushing with the next contraction. I don't recall how many contractions there were, but I do know it was awkward and odd pushing the baby out of my body. These are flashes that I do remember: I made less noise pushing than I did during the contractions prior to my epidural. The doctor asked Collin and I if we wanted to touch the baby's head as it was crowning and we both responded no. I figure I would have plenty of time to touch her head once it was completely out of my freaking vagina.

After thirty seven hours of labor (of which I really only count the final thirteen as being rough), which only included twenty minutes of pushing, my tiny adorable daughter was placed on my chest. She had all her digits, a full head of hair, and the most luxurious eyelashes that all the nurses and doctors swore she must've paid for falsies in the womb. After hearing her cry and watching her open her eyes for the first time, Collin cutting the cord, and them "delivering" my placenta, I had one question for the doctor. I asked her if I tore at all. She told me yes, but only very little, as is common with a lot of first time moms. I ended up getting two tiny stitches, which I didn't feel thanks to the local anesthetic used.

So, on December 5th, 2013 at 11:08am PST Collin and I welcomed our precious jelly bean, Emma. She was born at thirty eight weeks...

And she just woke up so I will have to finish this later...So it is now the next morning and she is mid meal as I attempt to type this up.

She weighed in at six pounds on the dot and was nineteen and three quarter inches long.

Due to the way everything played out in delivery there were some interesting and frustrating issues after her birth.The first being her having a hypoglycemic reaction to one of the medications they had to push before  I began pushing. In turn they had to monitor her blood glucose levels for the first twelve hours, which meant a heel poke every time they tested her glucose. We also had to supplement breast feeding with formula via an SNS tube.The way this worked was that Collin would get the tube in once she was latched and slowly push the formula through while she nursed. It was weird but later proved to be helpful.

Finally, four days after being admitted we were released on December 7th, and were able to enjoy twenty four hours at home before we made a decision that meant returning to the hospital, but I will save that story for the next post in which I will share the ups and downs of the first couple weeks after birth.

For now I will tell you this, as rough and unexpected as my experience ended up being I wouldn't change a single thing... Well, except for the needing the two stitches... LOL.