Yesterday was a sad and disappointing day.
First, we found out that Emma should wait on her shots until she is officially two CALENDAR months old. We did take her in for the rest of her two month check up and are scheduled to take her in for her vaccinations next Thursday.
The upside to the appointment was learning that she has grown almost three inches in length since birth.
The extreme downside is that she has not gained nearly enough weight. And as embarassing and painful as it is to say this she is not even eight pounds yet. This broke my heart and made me feel like I had failed my child to provide adequate nutrition. I know that this doesn't make me a bad mother, and that it is not my fault. Every woman and child are different. For whatever reason my milk, though there is enough volume to satisfy her, it doesn't seem to be transferring enough nutrition to her.
Before the barage of articles and information hits: I have tried everything posible to not only help boost my supply but make sure she is getting the good hind milk more than the watery fore milk. And when I say I have tried everything, I mean it. It has been exhausting, but I would continue doing it, and would do it all over again because it is for her.
I have taken fenugreek. I eat oatmeal on a daily basis. I eat several small meals throughout the day. I focus on eating proteins, healthy fats (nuts, avocado, etc), fruits and veggies. I haven't been pushing myself to lose my pregnancy weight; in fact (frustratingly enough) I have gained about five to ten pounds, so I now have ten to fifteen pounds to get down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I drink tons of water (again the volume of milk hasn't been much of an issue except when she hits growing spurts). I pump. I've tried pumping before to get the fore milk out. I've pumped after to completely empty the boob. I've pumped between feedings to keep the demand up. I've even managed to mostly master pumping DURING a feeding. Pump one boob while she is on the other.
At this point, supply isn't so much the issue as nutrients are.
After discussing this with our doctor last night, and having discussed it amongst ourselves prior, we have decided to start supplementing with formula. For now, the idea is just to supplement with one feeding at bedtime, and I pump. Hopefully this will be enough. I am preparing myself for the potential need to switch to formula entirely, but I truly hope I can maintain providing the majority of her food.
It's heartbreaking. A mommy friend really put it best when I was chatting with her about it. It's difficult to not be able to be the "provider" for your child, especially when it is something you want to do, badly. To be replaced by something on a shelf can make a person feel useless. I know inside that I am still her mother, and that I am doing what is best for her, and that I am not useless, but the feelings are still there.
Honestly? I cried about it. Not just the need to supplement, but the potential for switching to formula 100%. I also cried about the fact that I "blinded" myself to the fact that my little one was underweight. I believed she was gaining the weight, especially as she obviously is getting longer and longer. The whole thing has left me feeling a little raw, but thanks to my lovely husband and great supportive friends I know that it will all work out as it should.
With the embarassment I feel about the situation and the sadness you might be wondering why I am sharing this with you. I am hoping by putting this out there I will find some internal peace. I imagine I could just keep this in a private journal, but what is the use in that? Hell, maybe, just maybe there is another new mom out there, reading these words, and going through the exact same thing. To you, mysterious other mommy, just know you are not alone in this plight. There have been many before me, and I have no doubt there will be many after me. You will be okay, and you know in your deepest heart of hearts you are doing what is best for your child to thrive, and DO NOT let anyone judge you for that.
Now, in all sincerity, this may be the last post for a bit, but with the new developements I hope I can get on here to share our progress.
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