There Is No Magical Remote; Time Will Not Be Undone

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For every choice there are consequences. For every act someone will react.

After waiting sometime, I find that I am happy I am not posting on the topic I originally planned.

To be honest, the more I reflected upon my feelings and my thoughts behind the post germinating and festering in my mind last night the more I realized it would do nothing to make me feel better. It would have made me just as mean and negative as the very thing that had got under my skin.

This past weekend was a trial that will go down as a lesson learned in life. The sad fact is that this lesson was one I have learned a million times over. Certainly, this time would have been different. Right?

Wrong. So very wrong.

People will always manipulate and use another person's heartfelt love and kindness to their own ends, and without a second thought to the consequences and pain they could cause.

Another lesson I needed to be reminded of is that if your heart and head are so full of discord and unrest, you need to take a step back and ask yourself, if you remove the ties (familial, friendship, etc.) would you still be doing whatever you are planning to do? What would your actions do to change or improve the situation? If you find that the answer is no or nothing, then it may sadly be time to step back and remove your variable from the equation.

This can be the hardest thing to do. It's hard to be a spectator, especially when you feel you have a chance to change the world. Just remember, you can change the world but you cannot change another person's heart.

I hate to be a passive spectator. It's hard for me.

In this instance, after conferring with so many people about it, I was still torn about how I could handle the situation. Ultimately, after talking to the person who was at the center of the entire mess and the other major players I knew it was time to let go. I had to take myself out of the equation.

It led to a bucket of tears as well as some dramatic fake sobbing from the other party, but I know that I did what was best for me and my immediate family. Someday, the other branches and twigs of my tree will understand; some sooner than others.

The cement that helped me build the wall around my heart with regards to parties involved was whilst "sobbing" the person would look at their phone and message people with no emotion at all, and then resume the crocodile tears. They showed no remorse for the fact that I was upset and saddened by all of it. They cared not for the fact I was wasting (yes, at this time it was a waste) my time talking to this ignorant and ungrateful person instead of spending time with my child. Even before it all came to this angry and emotional head, not a single thank you was uttered for anything. Nor was there a straight and honest answer to a single direct question. Within minutes of this all being over it was posted how "it all worked out as it should have." Well, there you go. Vacation over.

I hope someday this person will wake up and realize how selfish they are. She has my forgiveness, but I will never forget how she tried to play me.

I imagine this makes little sense, and I'm sorry for that. I decided it was best to be the mature and sensible person I am. What I originally wanted to do was along the lines of dog shaming a person who is obviously emotionally and mentally fragile, and whether they ever saw it or not (even with the name and such censored) I knew in my heart it was wrong, immature, and down right mean.

The next post will be lighter, and maybe even have some food related stuff in it.  For now I am waiting for the waters to calm, and for me to find my center again.

I Feel Like Something

I'm sitting here with a million thoughts on my mind feeling the urge to do something. I could pop up and do some squats and crunches and other healthy activity things. Instead I am imagining what it will feel like when I can start running again.

In the last couple weeks I feel like I am transforming. Okay, so I am a little late to the game. I know I have been transforming over the past few years, but just recently it has become so much more apparent to me. The biggest wake up to me about how far I have come was when I went into Old Navy and Kohls and was able to comfortably shop in the "Misses" rather than the "Women's" section... I never did get why the plus sized areas in some stores was called the "Women's" sections....

Anyways.

I pretty much bought a whole new work wardrobe. The only thing I am truly lacking is pants. It is so hard to find pants right now that fit correctly. Many of the regular sized pants are somewhat snug, and in some cases too snug around the thighs, but the plus sized ones all seem way too big. I am thinking I will suffer through the pants I have for a couple more months and try to slim down some more.

Work has been boring and chaotic at the same time. It's the lull of the year. Within the next few weeks I have no doubt it will be pretty interesting and busy. I am fine with this. I love the challenge of a busy and almost over loaded day. It keeps work interesting and fun for me. Give me my music and I am good to go.

The biggest thing with work is that it is the time for our annual raises. I am pleased with mine, and am glad to be recognized for all my efforts. Money isn't everything, but when you are trying to pay off the last remnants of bills it sure does help. One thing I have decided to do out of the bit of excess I will see in my next check is to treat myself.

Next week, after payday, I go in for my foot follow up appointment, and I have high (but guarded) hopes that my foot will be healed and I can say sayonara to the boot. That weekend I want to treat myself to some new shoes (no heels :-() and my first official pedicure.

This kind of goes back to the transformation I have been becoming more aware of. I don't want to say I am becoming more girly necessarily, but I have this desire to look nice and polished. Including my fingers and toes. I have this bizarre desire to paint my nails, and of course right now I can't paint my left index fingernail while I continue to wait for it to heal completely from my smashing birthday. I suppose that doesn't have to keep me from polishing the remaining nine.

I am feeling rather disjointed too. It's like the longer I can't run the more jumbled my thoughts seem to get. I am not expecting to get back to it until April, but oh, to imagine it brings me so much peace. It doesn't clear my head but knowing how close I am to being able to resume it calms me down when I start feeling anxious. Weird, right? But it's true, my running helps with my anxiety. I know for a fact I have mentioned that running is to me what meditation is to a yogi. It is my higher plane of existence.

I just want to end this with the fact that I love my husband and am eternally grateful for the deep connection we have. Our minds can sometimes seem so connected and it amazes me. He just asked me if I want him to shut up (this will give him a reference point as to where I was).

Oh hey, so there was a family reunion for my dad's side of the family this past weekend it was great. The wee one tried pineapple for the first time, and that is what I will leave you with. I love my life.