I won't even attempt to play catch up. It's been over four months. Cliff notes version... And go!
Pneumonia for the entire family in February plus an ear infection for the wee one.
Applied for, was offered and accepted a promotion. Transitioned into new role in March.
Had strep throat Memorial day weekend.
Completed leadership academy.
Watch an amazing young person graduate from high school last night.
The little monster has been officially in big girl underpants for a week as of today.
Along with about a million other details and everyday things that have transpired, life has definitely not been boring or slow.
I mean, crap, four months?! Four long but blurry and quickly gone months.
I chopped all my hair off too. Can't forget that.
I rejoined a gym. If there were more hours in the day I would be there more. I am mostly beating myself up because of the last two weeks, between school, events, training, work and illness, I have only made it in four times. It is what it is.
I think I have been avoiding this without even meaning to. I'd blame it on everything that has been going on in my life, but typically these things are what push me to find solace in writing. I have been emotionally on edge for weeks, probably even months but I can't seem to bring myself to leap off the edge and detox my psyche. I feel an epic meltdown of tears hovering in the ether that surrounds me but I haven't been able to grasp it.
Realistically I am sure I am mildly depressed, but this isn't like depressions I have dealt with before. I feel over-, under- and just straight up whelmed by the world. I haven't talked about it much because I am not sure how to articulate the swirling storm of emotions. It has been much like Oregon weather. For anyone not familiar it can go from glorious, happy sunshine to gnarly, daunting clouds in a heartbeat. At the same time that analogy doesn't fit how I have been feeling 100%. It's more that I go from happy, confident and motivated to still feeling all of those emotions tinged with an edge of sadness or occasionally anger... But that is more common when I am driving. Ha.
Let's circle back to the gym thing. The big reason I decided to get back into that is because it gives me the endorphin highs I need to get through the halo of sadness looming over me. This may or may not be the most beneficial way for me to deal with it, but it's like ibuprofen is to a fever - it staves it off for a moment but does not truly heal or correct it. Also, as a side effect of the ongoing emotional issues, my weight has been fluctuating up; something I have worked hard to avoid. Just that alone has been more than enough for me to take the time to look at and evaluate what is going on in my life.
I'm sure part of it has been the transition from one job to another; a professional freshman fifteen if you will. It seems small but in actuality it is horribly frustrating for me. I have been working so hard for so long to get this weight off so any gain back is like a failure to me. In turn this just creates a downward spiral further fueling the depression and destructive behavior.
The toddler is a hurricane of rage and tears today. I was home alone when I began typing this. Then Collin and the storm came home. She is crying over everything but refuses to tell us if anything is wrong or hurting her. Given the current conversation and activities going on in the bathroom I think she was constipated. Literally, unlike me. She is telling Collin how she wants to see her poop and it's probably got some chicken nuggets.... She is such a weirdo and so awesome. As you can tell she has completely distracted me from my conversation here with you.
I don't think she slept well last night; may her nap improve her attitude so we can have an enjoyable afternoon and evening.....
I refuse to make any commitment to posting any regularity, but I am hoping to overcome any obstacles I have been encountering in not posting.
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