Forty Hours More Is Forty Too Much

This is it. After this weekend, I have five work days left with the person who I am replacing.

I can make it.

I can.

Right?

No, I know I can.

Hopefully this weekend will give me the refresh I need to survive this week without letting the rage build up.

That's the only way I can put it. Her attitude changes at the drop of a hat and when it's for the worst I kind of just want to walk away from her. She has totally checked out, and I get that, but quit the back and forth and teach me.

There was something that we had got involved with inadvertently and because of some unbeknownst reason she hates our supervisor so she didn't want to take care of it. When one of our associates was letting us know that she forwarded a follow up email to us I said, "Okay, I will take care of it." To which my trainer replied, "No, it's still my account, I'll take care of it." And she never did because she can't keep track of her emails if her life depended on it.

You know how sometimes you can feel negativity emanating from someone? Yea, I feel that way every time I am sitting next to her and I get caught up in a conversation with the other people in our department. I can just feel her seething that I am laughing and talking with other people. You know me, I have tried to be personable with her and joke, and treat her how I want to be treated. Sometimes it's all good and we are getting along great and then her meds wear off (I have no idea if she is medicated) and she becomes this snippity cranky biatch.

She finally admitted today that my brain works WAY faster than hers does. Which I thanked her for the compliment.

Then she proceeded to snap at me because I asked if we should take care of something and she said no we needed to do this other thing we had been working on. I said okay, and then not five minutes later she is like, "Oh, we need to take care of this other thing right right now," Mind you, this other thing was no more critical than what I had suggested we take care of. I had to remind her five times that I was leaving at lunch for the day and fuck me when I actually left. I felt the daggers flying out of her eyes.

The whole plan with the three weeks of training was that at the end of each week I would take one of the three "groups" she has. With me taking over each group there are records for contact info that needs to be updated in our system and with other departments. She keeps saying how I need to get these profiles updated. I swear to bob if she says it again I am going back to my desk to do it and be done with them.

Back to the transitioning of groups.

We didn't even make it through the group of ten, yes ten, accounts we needed to for this week. Why? Because she is so horribly out of touch with her email and behind on day to day work (and has been since well before I started training with her) she can't keep shit straight. She will spend more than a half an hour "freaking out" (I can think of no other way to describe it) about an email, from a week ago, THAT HAS HAD MULTIPLE SUCCEEDING EMAILS AFTER IT. Me, if it were me reading her emails, I would skim through, group shit by "SUBJECT" (rather than her method of who sent them...) and find the appropriate place to respond. She makes herself look like a fool when she is literally re-working stuff that our associates in other departments and plants have already handled and provided info on.

But heaven help my dumb ass if I suggest one fucking thing to help her do the job easier.

It's crap like this that gives me confidence I will be fine doing this.

So, back to the accounts for this week. In response to her stating that we needed to get through them this week at 12pm today I (again, stupid me trying to be helpful) commented that I was feeling pretty good about what we had covered and that there was only one we weren't able to really touch on. And fuck, the way she looked at me you'd think I suggested we go home and kill her dog. She then snapped at me that she wants to go over each one in detail because they are ALL SO DIFFERENT.....

The final group we have to go over in the next five business days consists of roughly twenty accounts.

We are never going to make it through that shit the way she is doing this. It's not humanly possible.

To "go over" an account what she is doing is taking any emails in her inbox for that customer and putting them in a special folder and then I get to watch her SLOWLY go through the emails one by one and watch her freak out because she isn't following the conversations properly. No joking here, I spent almost three hours, THREE HOURS Tuesday or Wednesday (I can't even remember the days anymore) sitting at her desk doing nothing because I HAD to watch as she went through these emails. And I learned right quick just to keep my mouth shut.

Monday I have my one on one with my supervisor. I was going to reschedule it for the next week when the biatch will finally be gone but realistically I will need the break from her. I will give her the light version of my debriefing and also talk to her about my other accounts that I was trying to maintain and retain during this transition but I feel that I have been neglectful to them. I have two orders and two credits pending on my desk and I just haven't been able to enter them. And lord knows what else is in the emails I couldn't look at today.

Five days. Five more days of work and then I will be off on my own floating in a sea of exciting new stuff. Rest assured, the person training me is not the only source of knowledge regarding the stuff I will be doing. In fact, she herself has only been managing the accounts since January... Yea, January of this year....

I must admit that all this madness associated with my promotion has completely got my mind off ticking the days down until we move... And then it hits me like a freight train that most likely we are moving in two weeks... To the day.... All that I have left to pack is the kitchen essentials and bathroom stuff. I will most likely be packing that up next weekend, except for the day to day stuff.

I hope you all had a fun and safe Halloween (or are still celebrating a fun and safe Halloween).

I Never Told You Everything

This reboot I have accomplished in the last couple weeks with my weight loss has really made me think about my entire history, weight-wise. The memories are sporadic from childhood, but the last ten years are pretty clear. So we will start with the hazy memories of yesteryear and a childhood long gone.

Those who read this and know me personally know that I have always been a "big girl," to put it into PC terms. The reality is that I have always been fat. I do have a larger frame and certain lower weights are unrealistic and ridiculous to even picture myself at. Like, I know I will NEVER weigh less than 120, honestly I don't think I would want to. But I am getting off track here.

My earliest memory of my weight as a child, beyond being bigger than all my friends and clothes never fitting just right, was gym class in third or fourth grade. It was the Presidential Fitness something or other that we had to do each year. I remember being measured for height; I was always taller than my peers, and then stepping on a scale. At eight or nine I weighed 149 pounds. One hundred and forty nine pounds. Now, keep in mind this was before childhood obesity was such a big concern. I was just the fat chick in class. I would carry this moniker with me throughout my school days.

Unlike many other fat kids, I was blessed with mostly great friends. And upon reflection my weight affected who I am in more ways than one... But that is a whole different can of worms, and this post is supposed to be about my weight history, not my psychological history.

From there we fast forward about five years. I know from the school I was in at this point during middle school that I was twelve or thirteen and we were again doing that damn Presidential whatever. I remember getting on the scale and finding I weighed 220 pounds. At that age I had no idea that I would long to be back down to this weight, but then it was completely heart breaking. Why? Why couldn't I have stopped there? What possessed me to continue to make such unhealthy decisions about my weight? I don't think I will ever know.

There is no one I can blame. I mean, there are tons of excuses and blame I could point at others (mainly my parents) but I don't think that is a healthy train to climb aboard.

Jump ahead another year or two. I found this information by perusing old journal entries from bygone days. I gained another seventy seven pounds. I was writing about teen angst and love and how lonely I was and blah blah blah. I noted that at 297 pounds I would "never have any one like me or want to go out." Wah, wah, wah. I really don't pity my younger self, so please, don't you pity her either.

So, half my life ago I weighed more than I do right now.

Jump ahead to senior year, a month shy of 18 and getting ready to take on the world (also homeless and almost done with school and working). I step on the scale at my grandma's and find myself weighing a terrifying 350+ pounds. What the fuck? Seriously. What the fucking shit hell did I do to allow myself to get there? But wait, this wasn't "it".

Fifteen months later, I was dating Collin and finally took myself in for a check-up. Stepped on the scale, and hot damn! I was down to 296 pounds. Woohoo! Go me! And then my ass was unemployed, laying around, eating all sorts of crap and unhealthy food.

The next three years were a constant gain I don't even know when I hit certain points. All I know is that I was not very nice to my body and eating everything I shouldn't in mass quantities. I went in for a check up and was disgustingly shocked and broken to find myself weighing 432 pounds.

FOUR

HUNDRED

THIRTY

TWO

POUNDS

Think about that for a while.

Fucking inexcusably horrifically wretched. No fucking wonder my clothes didn't fit! And that I had to keep buying bigger sizes! I mean what a shock there....

What the hell.

This was my wake up call. That cosmic moment when I got my proverbial slap to the face and shake of the shoulders. I was killing myself faster than I could order a bacon double cheeseburger, fries, and a shake.

I needed to build myself back up and get control of myself.

It has been a long and hard process but pound by pound I have transformed myself. I did not use any sort of pill, or whackadoodle diet. I focused on the common sense things. I reduced my portion sizes, and cut out all the crappy junk food. Bye-bye fast food, soda, and other unhealthy shit.

From there I started to focus on becoming increasingly more active. I began to walk and bike and workout. It was not overnight, and the weight loss was not without its struggles. It took a good four years before I really started to see a change. I dropped fifty pounds very, very slowly over that period. I felt the difference but knew it was a drop in the bucket.

Once we moved from Salem we joined a walking/running group. We started building up our mileage and eventually began to run and walk instead of just walk. Pounds began to fall off me, but I still had my struggles and hit plateaus like anyone else with a long road of weight loss ahead of them.

Let's recap; by 2011 I had slowly dropped down to 376. By early 2013 I was down to 280, and then shortly thereafter found myself pregnant. I was completely okayed by my doctor to continue my weight loss through the pregnancy as long as the baby grew normally. Unfortunately, I then broke my foot. During my pregnancy I did gain about twenty five pounds, but that vanished with my daughter's birth.

For the majority of 2014 I have struggled to maintain my pre-pregnancy weight. It has not been easy, but I was able to stay within a few pounds of that 280 mark.

Knowing that I want to hit my goal weight before we try for baby #2 and knowing we want to have baby #2 in a couple years I know that I have about a year to get there. My goal weight is to get down to 190, maybe 180, but 190 is the magic number for me, and then hopefully a year or two post baby#2 I can have all of the excess skin removed from my body. Realistically this could equate to another thirty to forty pounds that will come off. Think about it; I weighed 432 and will have lost roughly 240-250 pounds by the time I get to my goal range. There was a lot of skin used to cover all that flesh and considering it was stretched for so long there is no way to expect it to shrink down to my new smaller body.

On a side note, this was the thing that always threw me off on the Biggest Loser. How the fuck did all the contestants' excess skin just vanish??? Think about that. We are talking about people who also lost hundreds of pounds of weight. I know, some of them you can see the extra skin here and there, but some of them... Yea... Chew on that for a bit.

I am confident that I am back on track now, and I know with the support I have given myself and the support of my husband I can make it to my goal. With the reboot juicing we did over the last two weeks I dropped another fifteen pounds of bloat and fat and now find myself hovering around 265... I have not been this small since I was about fourteen. Kind of crazy, right? More like full on insane to think about. I am also within 75 pounds of my goal. If I can keep myself focused an stay on track losing 1.5-2 pounds per week over the next year I will be at my goal weight by Halloween 2015.

It's so close now I can see it. I can actually visualize myself being down in the range I am shooting for. And if I get below it, great! Excellent! Amazing!

There it is. All of it. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Now that it's out there I will try to commit to monthly status updates over the next year on here as I literally "work" my ass off. This will be another method for keeping myself accountable.

Last, but never possibly least; I want to thank anyone and everyone who has helped me in this journey. Be it words of encouragement, or just sharing how I was able to inspire or help you in your own journey. It all means so much to me!

One last nugget before I shuffle off to bed (Collin gets so tired of hearing this):

Tip of the day, before you snack ask yourself if you have had enough water today. If you even hesitate for a moment, drink a glass and wait a few minutes before you snack.

Good night!

A Torch Should Take Care of It

Yesterday, like so many times before, Collin and I had one of our epic conversations about long standing sayings. The phrase of choice this time?

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

Before I dive into our conversation let's go over the background of this saying. This saying mostly originated based on an uncouth behavior of old; inspecting the oral health of a horse given to you as a gift. This saying also eventually rolled into gifts in general; don't question a gift or handout too closely. The phrase is also closely linked to the myth about a certain wooden horse left outside the gates of Troy. It is this aspect of the history that our discussion flowered from.

If the story of Troy taught us anything it is that you should, with out a doubt, look a gift horse in the mouth. Heck, you should probably also palpate the abdomen. If it is a large wooden horse it may be suggested to put it to the torch and be done with it. Troy's demise goes completely against the entire thought of this statement's existence. It contradicts the very phrase given the outcome of their acceptance of this gift. We kind of went on about this for a bit.

The tiny human has a new favorite snack. Peas. She loves them. All I have to do is put some in a container with a little water, microwave them for about thirty seconds, and then let them cool. I typically give them to her at dinner time while we are eating so they cool off while I finish making dinner. She snacks on them like they are the best damn finger food in the world.

Her food world has quickly expanded. They are letting her try everything under the sun at daycare (within reason). More and more we have been letting her try whatever we are eating. Crazy to think that a week from now she will be eleven months old. How the hell has that happened so fast.

Now, the outcome of our juicing experiment. We feel it was a success in more ways than one. It allowed both of us to sort of reset our food intake. We are both refocused on keeping portion sizes down, and we are so much more aware of what we eat. We had been doing so good for so long, and then lost sight of that. We began eating lunch again this past weekend, but instead of snacks we plan to continue having juice. Our lunches are seriously half of what they used to be and we are not snacking at all anymore. I have also been supplementing my appetite with green tea and honey; which has a bajillion health benefits of its own. Beyond feeling amazing and having more energy, the biggest marker that this was a successful experiment is that I dropped fifteen pounds of god knows what in the last two weeks. All my clothes are baggy (except for two newer tops I bought in the last month). This is exactly the kick start and motivation boost I needed to get back on track, and thank goodness I was able to before the holidays get here.

I definitely intend to do this a few times a year, or anytime I feel I need to get refocused.

It's both crazy and amazing to think that I weigh less than I did when I was roughly 13-14. I have journals from my teen years, as sporadic as the entries may have been (kind of like how this blog used to be) I have found a couple referencing my weight and how unhappy I was. It will really blow my mind when I get below my 7th grade weight. I don't know that I will ever get down to my weight at eight or nine, but we'll see. Lord only knows once my excess skin is removed (this will be in a few years after baby number two).

It would probably help for me to give you the whole picture, but not tonight. Maybe in my next post. There was something else I wanted to share with you all first.

Upon reflection the following may be too much info, so read at your own risk. If you are female it may be useful to you. If you are a dude, it might be good for you to know to help out your lady friends (talk about a point scorer with this tip).

Last month, this page that I follow on FB called Belly to Baby shared some amazing information and I want to share that information with all of you. I have tried this and wholeheartedly endorse it. That said, just to be safe, please note that I am not a doctor nor am I a medical professional. I have no idea if any of these statements have been proven true by the FDA or any other governing body. Phew, hate that kind of legal stuff. Before I say anything further, I strongly suggest you do your own research, and if you are pregnant or could be pregnant (I am most certainly not) talk to your doctor or midwife before you try this.

Anyways, Belly to Baby (who I believe is a doula; again if you don't know what a doula is look it up) shared that they were having a rough and painful cycle that month. I can't remember 100% but I believe she had this remedy on hand from her last pregnancy. She shared how the remedy helped her with her cramping and made other aspects a little easier as well. What is this magical thing, you ask?

Raspberry leaf tea.

I have tried it, and I can attest that it is an amazing natural remedy for painful cycles. I started drinking two cups a day (one morning and one night) the first day of my cycle, and was blessed to not have a single cramp. This amazed me. My cycle is NEVER not painful. After having birthed a child I can honestly say that my menstrual cramps rival some of the contractions I had during labor. These only last a day or two, but they are horrible and make me a miserable bitch. Having the raspberry leaf tea on hand for this month was a lifesaver. If you have any discomfort during your cycle try this. Seriously. Two cups a day through your cycle starting day one.

Raspberry leaf tea is also recommended in the last couple weeks of pregnancy (I believe, but need to do further research on when in the pregnancy it is safe to consume) as it helps with the contractions (I can see why) and the postpartum bleeding. As mentioned above, not a doctor, talk to yours before you try this if pregnant, or at least talk to someone more knowledgeable than me. I plan to try it at the end of my next pregnancy (so about two years from now).

The training has been good so far this week, and the more I learn the more confident I am that this will be fairly natural to me as I take over the accounts. I don't want to get too cocky about it, but at the same time the more I learn the less intimidating the new position is.

Next post, my weight history, and who knows what else might surface from the depths of my jumbled mind.

The Film Went Straight To Tape

I'm sitting here relishing in the last dredges of a wonderful and productive weekend. Sipping a mug of tea and watching Breaking Bad. My phone is ringing and it's my mother.

She's going on about how she hasn't been home in a month because her apartment is infested with bed bugs...  Note to self do not let her give us anything for a very long time.

Just so we have a clear understanding; my relationship with my mother is tenuous at best. Don't get me wrong, I love her; shit, she's my mom. I just can't tolerate being around her more than three to four times a year and for small chunks of time even then. It pains me to know that 90% of the time, when she does initiate contact it is because she wants something; more often than not she is looking for money.

There are a couple people in my life that make me cringe when my phone rings. I am lucky in that I have more people that I do enjoy getting calls from.

Finally, after promising and promising, I am going to share with you my strategy for meal planning.

Let me start off by saying I have been doing this for years. Once Collin and I were living in our own place and both working I began meal planning. Heck, I think I may have even started doing it when we still lived with his parents. Really, who wants to come home from working all day and have to think of what can be thrown together for dinner?

Most people know that having to think something up every flipping night leads to more eating out, and eating unwisely. You are also then more likely to need to buy lunch the next day and the money spent by doing this adds up so quickly.

Meal planning allows you to more easily stay on a healthy eating plan (I loathe the word diet), and saves you a nice chunk of money. Here's how I've done it.

Every four to six weeks (depending on the length of the last plan) Collin and I brainstorm a bunch of dinners we want or have been craving. The best time to do this is before you eat; it's like the reverse of why you shouldn't go shopping when you are hungry. I plan the meals based on the season; so you won't see me making a casserole or roast during the summer, and neither will you find a week of cold salads in the winter.

After we've come up with a decent list of ideas I start plugging them into a notebook after marking out the days of the week (M, T, W, T, F, S & S) and number the days to match the dates of those days. Every meal I plan I keep in mind the day of the week and also any pre-existing appointments.

I know that every Wednesday I want something quick and/or slow cooked (ready when we get home) because Collin hangs out with his best mate in the evening and I want to make sure he has dinner before he goes.

Fridays and Saturdays I tend to leave open for fun meals, or things we want to try. You may be wondering why we do this, and  I will happily explain. As I mentioned, buying lunch every day adds up fast as sin. Every night's dinner becomes lunch the next day. I have become more lax about some meals and their portability; i.e. last night's tacos can be today's taco salads at work. But things like burgers and fish don't carry over as well. I refuse to microwave fish at work.

I think you get the gist of it. After the list is written with all the meals plugged in I write our "big grocery shopping" list. We are active Costco members and (for now) have a nice little chest freezer in our garage. We buy all our meat, bread (if any, we don't eat bread often), frozen veg and pantry goods once a month. Weekly grocery shopping only consists of easily perishables like milk, eggs, fresh produce, etc. I have not yet tried freezing milk, but I have heard it is very doable. Maybe when we have a bigger freezer and the wee one is consuming it too. I honestly buy everything and anything I can in bulk whether from Costco or from the local grocer's bulk bins. Packaging adds to your cost significantly.

In the fall, winter and spring I swear by my crock pot. It is a god send and I would be lost without it. I have also started using my rice cooker (it's equipped to do this) as a slow cooker while we are packing and preparing to move. This way I could pack up one appliance.

I feel like I have gotten completely off topic. Now I want to tell you about all the awesome things I do with my slow cooker...

Meal planning; it's not for everyone, but if you are trying to adjust a budget or make life easier on yourself I strongly suggest trying it. It is also a great method for keeping your self out of a culinary rut. Here is a sample of my list this month:

26 S Sweet potato Shepherds Pie
27 M Chicken Parm with Rice Pasta and Veggies
28 T Chennai Masala w/ Rice and Veggies
29 W Sausages w/ peppers & onions & Pasta
30 T Sweet & Sour Veggies & Rice
31 F Birthday Dinner

This is only a week and this list is short because I don't want to have too much in the house when we go to move in the next few weeks.

Now to finish unwinding and prepare for the week ahead. Another fun week of training is in store for me. I have found a very fitting and descriptive of my "teacher". Whereas most think in linear patterns my teacher thinks in more of a fireworks pattern. Nuggets and fragments of a process are all over the place. All, Over.

Hope you have had an enjoyable weekend and here's to the week ahead!

I Feel The Flood Creeping Up Behind Me

This will most likely be a short post, but you know me, sometimes I lie about that.

I posted this on my blog page on FB:

Now for the story. During the past week and a half that we have been juicing during work hours (essentially that's what it boils down to) for our half hour lunch we have been walking instead. I mean, come on, what the hell else are we supposed to do for a half hour, at work, while not eating? Sleep? Stare into each others' eyes? Go into the "Cuddle Room" and do highly inappropriate things?(Cuddle Room == lockable room with no windows for nursing moms to pump; yea my company is cool like that) No, instead we are smart and use that time for walking. This doubled the time we had before for walking at lunch. We usually got in about a fifteen minute walk before we were juicing. We have agreed that next week when we resume eating lunch (a much lighter one at that) we are just going to eat at our respective cubes because we enjoy the longer walk. This gets us up to an hour of walking during the work day; two fifteen minute breaks plus the half hour lunch.

But back to today's events that led to the above picture. When we left the building today, we noticed some dark clouds to the west but misjudged their potential. (I'm sure you are starting to see where this is going) As we approached our turn around point, so the farthest physical point we could be from our building (almost a mile away) a few drops started to fall upon us. No biggie, we have our umbrellas and our rain jackets. Well mine is more of a water repellent wind breaker, but now I am splitting hairs.

Before we were even a hundred feet back towards work from the turn around point, the clouds overhead burst at the seams and a torrent of huge raindrops began to pound us and our surroundings. Now from Mythbusters we know running in the rain will make you more wet than just walking. We had umbrellas, we should be fine... Right? Maybe even manage to walk ourselves out from under the rainclouds...

No, WRONG!!! Way wrong. We'd only got about a quarter of the way back and both of us were soaked up to our knees and water cascading down our jackets began to make the top half of our legs wet as well. By the halfway point our feet were soaked, even without trudging through any outright puddles. The entire world around us a puddle. The street was flooding and we were terrified that some ass hat would drive by through the gutter further soaking our cold and wet bodies. Luckily that never happened.

Two thirds of the way my sleeves were soaked through on my jacket, and I swear my shoes were full of water. By three quarters of the way we were both drenched up to our hips, and our umbrellas were barely keeping our heads dry (some water was seeping through; storm rated my ass...). At this point we didn't care if we were walking in puddles, and as we approached the building we cut across the lawn like two survivors fleeing a zombie horde for shelter. And then, for funzies, my badge wouldn't release the door to get in. Collin's did.

Once finally inside a dry building, we agreed that we could not remain at work, soaked to the bone, for another three hours. I went upstairs, and was happy to see my boss talking with the leads as they all looked outside. I trudged to my cube leaving a trail of water behind me. She immediately saw how rained on I had got and agreed it would be best for me to go home. I let my "teacher" know that I was gone for the day, but will be spending all day tomorrow with her. As soon as my boss got upstairs and had seen me missing she asked if I was outside in the downpour, and one of the leads (whom I had passed as I exited the building for my normal walk) had told her it was about that time, so I most likely was.

So Collin and I, looking like two soaking wet puppies, made our way out the front of the building to the now partially flooded parking lot where Jude was. We passed a co-worker in the hall who said we'd need hip-waders to get to our car (come to find out he was parked next to us) and I responded that we were already wet from the hip down so it made no matter. We splished and splashed through ankle deep puddles (what the fuck did it matter at this point) and climbed into the dry safety of our car. I drove us to pick up some hot coffee (Pumpkin Pie Breves from Dutch Bros. Yum!), and then home we went to change into some warm dry clothes. Collin then proceeded to work the next two hours from home.

Being that this is Oregon, by the time we got to the west side, and over the West Hills it was flipping partially sunny.... Sigh.

Oh well. I was able to sit down and really analyze our budget for the next two months, and I must say I was really pleased and content with what I saw. Which, as any person who manages their budget with goals in mind can agree with, is one of the most rewarding feelings in adulthood.

Now to go get the tiny monster from daycare and maybe go to Kohls to find the kid some socks. Poor girl is so much like me. Big feet. She is just shy of eleven months and we have to buy her 18-24 month to 2T sized socks.... She is most certainly going to be a tall girl.

Until next time, I shall leave you with a quote a good friend pinned on Pinterest (and then so did I):
"Courage does not always roar; sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying: I will try again tomorrow."

You Screamed The Bridge and I Cried The Verse

Ugh, what a day. A negative day, but as always I had the sweetest moments at the beginning and the end of the day when I was with my adorable, tiny minion. Those precious moments of my day make up for any negative thing.

To keep the negativity of this post to a bare minimum I'll give you the very much abridged version. As mentioned in the prior post, I got a promotion. With this promotion I am taking over the accounts of a partner who is moving into a new department. Said partner is supposed to be training me over the next three weeks, well two and a half now. For the past three days I have been biting my tongue and going with the up and downs that are this person's moods, and attitudes. I sat quietly listening as she told me how sorry she is for me, and how sorry she is for her customers. Considering the fact I had to notify some of my favorite customers this morning I would no longer be managing their accounts, and was met with several sad and heartfelt emails of gratitude I was kind of touchy about this as the day wore on.

I am the type of person who becomes very attached to their job; not in the sense of working 56+ hours a week or anything, but I tend to build great relationships with my customers. So hearing the negativity repeatedly as the afternoon wore on got under my skin. Those who know me personally know I am a non-confrontational person, but lessons of the past have taught me not to be a doormat. We hit a point where she was telling me one group of accounts she thought she could just dump on me now, I told her I still had questions, but would be fine taking on this particular chunk after we go over my questions. She proceeded to get indignant and rude about the fact I wanted to know more. And began rambling about how no one listens to her and she feels bad for her customers and on and on and on.

There were fifteen minutes left and I was at my limit for her attitude. I pretty much said I was done and that this was not helping to train me. I went off about how I was tired of her saying she was sorry for me, and that I was sick of her saying she was sorry for the customers. I said I have handled more than this, and if she needs references I can forward her all the emails from my customers. I told her I was done with her for the day, and I would talk to her tomorrow. I wished her a nice relaxing evening to adjust her attitude and we would get back into it in the morning. I grabbed my stuff and went back to my desk with her dogging my heels the whole way. Saying that's not what she meant and how sorry she was. I said that's fine, I'm done. I kept my tone even, but I could feel my face was flushed; I am no good at hiding my feelings when I am upset. My hands were shaking. I IM'd Collin that I was going to the restroom then headed his way. When I got back from the restroom and was gathering my things, my "teacher" came back to my desk and apologized again, on the verge of tears. I told her I forgave her but I won't put up with that anymore. I am excited about this new challenge and she is ruining it with her constant negativity. She apologize again and went home. The department leads were all there and heard at least parts of the ENTIRE exchange. They asked if I was okay. I told them yes, I had just hit my limit of her attitude for the day.

I have no doubts in my ability or capability, and I know the leads and my boss have no doubts or they wouldn't have asked me to do this. To make sure I am confident in having the training I need I will be making a list after I am done with this post.

Well, shit. That went on longer than I meant to and it was still not all of the nitty gritty. Oh, well on to the good stuff.

Wee one now has six teeth poking through, and is totally lopsided. She has the two front and center on top and bottom, and in the last couple days the next top and bottom on the right have come through, so now we are waiting on the left side. I love this little weirdo.

This past weekend was wonderful, even with the bittersweet tinge of mom's (in law) declining health, and the fact that monster baby didn't want to sleep.

Saturday, Collin had a dentist appointment in the morning that went on longer than expected, but the timing worked out kind of perfectly. We headed to the facility that mom is in and met with Collin's aunt, sister, and cousin (plus sis' boyfriend and someone who might as well just be a cousin). We discussed the details of the final arrangements, plans to try and track down mom's good for nothing husband, and so on. Collin and I did get to go and visit her for a few moments, leaving the tiny one with his aunt whom adores her to pieces. Mom was talkative but it was difficult for her to speak. She kept telling us about things that happened long ago, or not at all. Lucidity was not in attendance for our visit. After we were done the whole group went for pho at this little place on Powell. It was great and I let my demon spawn try some of the broth from my pho. (soup is like juice... still juicing and all)

From here we went out to my family's "Thanksgiving" dinner, and I got to reconnect with some of my family from my dad's side that I hadn't seen in years, and in some cases decades (a couple I had the good fortune of seeing last year at my shower). Everyone adored the monster and her speedy crawling skills. We had a great dinner, and plan to make sure we are in more regular attendance of similar events. It was very uplifting to get to see everyone and it helped finish our Saturday on a very positive note. We drove home and immediately went to bed.

Sunday morning was a lazy time where we slept as much as the teething beast would allow, and then had a pajama morning with pancakes and playtime. Then as afternoon rolled around we headed to Collin's aunt's house for a trial run of leaving the heathen with her Auntie while we ran some errands. She has agreed to watch the little one on moving day (should it ever get here), and we wanted to make sure it would go smoothly. And it did, no crying, screaming or whimpering. She got to help her Auntie feed the birds and squirrels and crawl all over the place. We went to a couple stores and got coffee before going back to visit for a bit after an hour. I was happy to hear how well she handled it, and this also gave me hope that the transition to the new daycare will go smoothly. We had a great visit with his aunt talking about what's happening at work, and the house, and such. It was a great day.

I'm not going to lie though, it was weird being out on the weekend without my tiny minion.

There was something else... What was it.... Oh, yes! It was the moment this afternoon that made me forget all about the crumminess of the end of my work day.

When we get there to pick up the tiny human and we always say hi to our friends' little one if she is in the same room. Today, at first ours didn't notice we were there because she was playing. I say hi to our friends' daughter who then turns around to get our little monster's attention and went to touch her face (she had noticed by now). The teacher tells her to be gentle, because most times when one baby goes at another baby like that it's to attack (makes them sound vicious right? They are...), and apparently that was too much for her. She got the pouty face going on and started to cry. The teacher scooped her up right after I picked mine up, and we are both trying to comfort her and let her know she wasn't in trouble. Then my little angel leans in and tries to give the other little girl a hug. Totally melted my heart and made my mind push the work crap to the deep reaches (for at least until after she went to bed). The two of them are so nice to each other; another point that makes me sad for moving her to a new daycare, but 30 miles one way is excessive to take her to daycare.

Okay, now I am going to finish an episode of the Vampire Diaries on Netflix (don't judge) and continue to unwind/type the list.

Have a wonderful night full of sweet dreams!

I'm Too Awake For This To Be A Nightmare

I will close this with a personal positive note, but first a little bit of reality.

I believe I mentioned in the last post that we had received some sad and unfortunate news regarding the health of Collin's mom. The hospice nurses feel that she is entering the transition stage; this is where things begin to slowly shut down. This was passed on to us Friday morning with the her life expectancy being a few days. What is a few days? I mean, I consider ALL that her poor body has somehow survived, and think that it can't just be such a finite number of days. It's now Tuesday and we have heard nothing new. This is one of the few times where no news is good news.

I love my mother in law. In many ways she has been more of a mom to me than my own. I will always remember the time her and I spent together as I learned to crochet and we watched this reality show on OPB about being pioneers... I wish I could remember the title.

When the time does come, be it days, weeks, or months (completely unrealistic), the arrangements are mostly in place thanks to the work of her steadfast sister/Collin's amazing aunt.

For now we wait. Every text message and phone call is terrifying. We knew this day would come, but at the same time we find ourselves denying it's inevitability. My thoughts feel incoherent, and I don't see them getting better when the fateful day arrives.

Upon hearing the news, my husband found himself writing out all of his thoughts, The range of emotions he went through. Sunday, he let me read what he had written and I asked if I could share this with you. There are depths to this man that never cease to amaze me. The following is completely raw, unadulterated emotions as felt by my husband upon finding out about the state of his mother's health:

It is remarkable how leading up to a life changing event you look at it from a distance and think to yourself, “This won’t affect me, or if it does it won’t change me,” but when you get to that point it hits you like a train.  It knocks the wind out of you and leaves you feeling paralyzed in that moment.  Your thoughts spin like an out of control merry-go-round.  Your stomach knots up.  The adrenaline pumps through your system.  Emotions wash over you like tsunami.  Focus is not a skill you possess in this moment. 

 

When my mother was no longer capable of caring for herself, and my father was unable to care for her we had to prepare for the fact that eventually she was going to pass.  She lived with my sister for a while, and her and my aunt took turns caring for my mother.  I wanted to be able to help, but I lived in a town house.  It was such a dangerous environment in such a brittle state.  I felt bad about that, and it eventually created a rift between me and my family.  I lost touch with them for a while.

Eventually my mother was placed in a care home.  They took reasonable care of her, and did what they could to keep her occupied.  My father visited at least once a week, then once every other week.  Eventually this trickled to he never showed up again.  My aunt and sister made the effort to visit her.  I had a new baby, and a very busy work schedule.  It was difficult enough with that, and taking groceries to my father-in-law once a month; I didn’t get to visit her, there just wasn’t any spare time.

Hospice got involved once the care facility was no longer able to keep her weight up, or get her to eat enough.  This is usually a sign in people with dementia, or even Alzheimer’s, that their getting closer to passing.  My mother was moved to a different care facility that specialized in hospice care. 

For those that don’t know what it is, hospice it a place for people that are terminal.  They can live their days out there comfortably and be taken care of.  It may not be the most glorious of locations, but it gives you a place to be where people are there to keep you comfortable.

She’s been there for a couple of months now, and I have been making sure to visit her every week (except when I was sick).  Her weight continued to drop (this is expected).  My sister received a message from the hospice nurse that our mother was getting worse.  I tried to tell myself to prepare for it, but there isn’t a way to prepare for it.  My sister went to speak with hospice and see our mother the next day.

I see a text on my phone.  

I open it and read, “Mom is in transition phase and probably only has a few days left.”  

Did you hear it; the train?  

I didn’t either.  It hit so hard.  I didn’t know what to say or how to react.  Suddenly the room was quiet, time had stopped, and nothing made sense.  I felt tingly; I had goose bumps.  My mouth was suddenly so dry; yet I felt like I was drowning.  I couldn’t breathe, my thoughts spun around in my head.  I wanted to yell, and cry.  I didn’t want this to happen, not now, not ever!  Why is this happening now?  This isn’t fair!  I didn’t have time to prepare!  

I message my wife, “Mom is in transition and probably only has a few days left.”  I look around and everyone is acting like nothing is happening.  I can’t move or figure out what to do.  Then my wife appears at my desk side and hugs me.  This feels good, but it doesn’t change it.  The moment I leave her arms the pain rushes back in.  I’m drowning again.  I want to run away from this place.  Go somewhere; somewhere safe.  Somewhere where this isn’t happening; it isn’t true.  

Then I realize, it is happening; it is true.  I can’t change this, and I can’t run away from it.  This is the thing I told myself was not going to affect me or change me.  

I was wrong; it already has, and it will.  This is the passing of the woman that gave birth to me, and raised me.  The woman I called mother, mom, and mommy.  You can’t lose this person and not be affected by it.  It will change you because this person played an integral role in your life; whether positive or otherwise.  

Re-reading this again has me tearing up. There is not enough positive news to just brush all this feeling aside. 

I'll try anyways. That's what we do in these situations, isn't it? We try to keep moving forward. We try to look for the positive and uplifting things when and where ever we can.

I am on week two of this light juicing experiment, and as promised I braved the terrifying monster that is the scale Saturday morning. From Monday morning to Saturday morning I dropped over nine pounds of bloat and god knows what else. This has definitely been a great method for getting me back on track, and that kind of drop in weight is a great motivator to keep me moving forward. It's that little bit of proof that I can keep going.

And in the world that is my professional life (I still fantasize that this will be my professional life some day; anyways...) in the six short months I have been there I have managed to work my self to the next level of the hierarchy in my department, and I have garnered myself a nice little promotion! I am happy and excited that I will be moving into an area that will keep me challenged. I'll keep you posted on how things progress there too. 

And that's it. That's all I have for you tonight. I'm still not sure how it is already Tuesday, but I know it is because I watched the Walking Dead last night (I watch the day after).

Always say I love you, and never skip a chance to hug a loved one. Hopefully the next post I will be in a mindset to share the events of this past weekend, including monster baby's teething.

Good night!