Method of Motivation

This was my light bulb moment last night.

I was thinking about how in the next year we plan to start potty training the tiny one. And with that I began to think about all the various methods I have known people to use; one of which being the sticker chart method. 

The basic premise being that you fill a section or the entire chart with stickers by not having an accident and you get rewarded. 

In order to have some physical representation of our own fitness goals and such we are going to try do an adult equivalent of this. I figure, what could it hurt and also it is a good way to keep us both accountable (Collin has agreed to try this).

My plan is to set monthly goals (i.e. drop six pounds) and in return give myself something like a new e-book, a shirt, or ten dollars into a pool for something bigger I want. You know, something small and simple, but still good motivation. I also plan to set "next level" goals each month. I guess it would be like a tiered concept; lose x  achieve y -  but lose z and achieve a. Hope this makes sense. Feel free to comment or email me if you want any clarification.  

My chart looks like this:

If you are interested in trying this out, send me an email (the link is somewhere over there >>) and I will email you back a PDF of the chart.

I made a generic chart that I can cross out the days as befits the month's structure; example, I will cross off the first four days of the first week for January. 

The 30+ minutes of activity during the week will NOT include my daily walks at work, but will be comprised of time crawling after the wee monster (her favorite game right now is for us to chase her around the house, and you'd be surprised what a work out it is crawling on all fours all over the place in a hasty manner...), and running as I get back to that again, and maybe Wii Zumba (I have missed it a lot), and even just dancing around like an idiot with my husband and child. 

One the weekends I have Saturday listed as fun time. This is both so I make sure that I am enjoying whatever I am doing, but also I want it to be a fun family thing; like going to the park, walking to grandma's (round trip walk from our house is three miles), working in the yard, and other things that we can all do together. I also think taking the family to the zoo, on a hike, to OMSI, or to the beach are all acceptable forms of fun physical activity. On the nasty weather days that we are likely to see for at least the first third to half of the year it will probably be some of the weekday stuff too, like chasing the shorty or dancing around the house.

You'll notice how Sundays are for "mental health." I have it marked as relaxing, but it doesn't mean that my (our your) version of mental health/relaxation doesn't include physical activity. For example, I LOVE gardening and the project that is renovating our backyard this spring has me over the moon excited. I also find gardening to be very cathartic and meditative, much as I do running. Some Sundays the relaxing may be just that; snuggles with the family or reading a book. I might even get wild and work on my crocheting. I have an afghan that is dying to be completed... It's like years in the making... No joke. Other times it may be walking for coffee with the fam bam, or visiting friends. Anything really that will make me feel recharged and ready to take on another work week. 

We'll see how it goes, and as I mentioned before, I am going to try to be an open book about the next leg of my weight loss journey (I don't want to say it is the last leg because maintaining will be just as much of a journey).

Again, if you have any questions, or want a PDF of the chart, comment below or email me.

Wishing you health and happiness in 2015!

Remember, it can't just be a resolution; it needs to be a life style change. 

Twenty Fourteen: A Year in Review

What a crazy and amazingly awesome year of change we have had. The biggest change, if I allow myself an extra twenty six days prior to January 1, 2014, was the birth of our tiny human. We'll skip that first chunk and skip to the actual year we are reviewing, but it was a pretty big way to start a new year.

January found me on the second half of my maternity leave. One day truly blurred into the next, but it was wonderful and magical. I would have given anything to take more time off with her rather than go back to work when she was two months old, but you know the saying, "bills, bills, bills."

February and March were pretty routine with nothing too crazy happening. Little one went to daycare, we went to work, I picked her up from daycare and we spent our evenings fascinated by all the new things the wee one was learning. Infant development moves at light speed and is a marvel to witness.

In February I interviewed for a job at the same company Collin went to work for last December (ten short days after our baby entered the world). It was interesting and I was really interested in the opportunity. I even made it back for a second interview and got on famously with the manager. I thought for certain I was going to land it. Days turned to weeks, and suddenly it was April.

I hadn't heard anything and after a weekend of soul searching and discussion with my other half I had come to peace with staying at my job until I could get back into school and complete a degree. Literally not even two full days later after making this choice I found that I had a missed call while checking my phone at lunch. It was from Collin's company. I was kind of like, "Oh, hell no. I am not going through this again. I am at peace with where I am." By the time my day had ended at work I had ANOTHER missed call. This time it wasn't HR, it was the manager my second interview was with. I called them both back and was given an amazing job offer. I talked it over with Collin and agreed it was a great thing for all of us. I took it.

So the end of April brought a new job and a new commute. The next couple months were adjusting to a new routine and watching as our daughter began to do more and more things. Rolling, sitting, scooting, applied sciences, and spacial physics. Okay, maybe the last two are a stretch, but again, amazement abounds as we watch her grow and change.

July came and we began to entertain the idea of buying a house, and at the end of the month took the plunge to get pre-approved by our bank. The program they offered at our credit union was great, but we knew there had to be better options, and we were lucky enough to find one. After having looked at several open houses and scouring Zillow we met with an agent recommended to us by my boss. She was perfect. We went to look at one house that was completely misrepresented on the web... Like it was horrible.

The second house we went to look at was a foreclosure listed as eligible for "Home Path" financing; this typically is indicative of a home needing massive rehab. Our agent opened the door with extreme hesitation. We figured we'd look at it and it could give us at lease a good idea of whether we might like one of the identical houses for sale in the neighborhood. It's a newer development and it is a great place for a starter home while the kids are younger.

We were all shocked to find that the house was in overall great shape. There was some cosmetic things we wanted to correct, but otherwise it looked great. We went home and slept on it, and called our agent the next day to make an offer. Since it was bank owned we just went in at asking and the bank shocked us all by accepting the offer within less than  twenty hours. We set up the inspection and it went great so onward we went with financing.

The months following the offer until we moved are kind of a hazy blur. Beyond work, our days were filled with packing what we could when we could and trying to be patient while all the paperwork went through. The tiny minion popped out all eight of her first teeth in this time period, which was a fun adventure in and of itself. No joke, we didn't even know she was teething for the first four because that is the kind of awesome mellow child she is.

Around mid-October, I was offered a promotion. The unspoken condition was that I would need to spend three weeks being tortured as I learned all that I could from someone who has a completely different and almost incoherent thought pattern. It was a struggle as I am sure some of you remember from my posts. All in all I must applaud the fact that certain things the person had a really strong and well devised system for. I think she was just overwhelmed by it all.

Right around the time of the offer we were lucky enough to be able to have an early Thanksgiving dinner with a portion of my dad's side of the family, and it was wonderful and very therapeutic given all the upheaval in our lives at the time. A short time later (just before Halloween) we were advised that Collin's mom was beginning to transition and that they felt she only had a few days left. Well, stubborn, beautiful woman she was proved them wrong there.

As the torture time came to an end we finally closed on our house! It was the biggest sense of relief I had felt since delivering my healthy little monster. Closing combined with the end of my training was the best. To sweeten it all we were able to move before the holidays so we had plenty of time to really settle in.

Thanksgiving arrived and I was over the moon to get to spend time with so many of my loved ones. My mother's brother and his wife were in Oregon from Boston and it was amazing to see them. It had been over two years and they had yet to meet my baby girl face to face. After a joyous dinner I was blessed to be able to pick up my oldest niece and keep her for a couple days. She enjoyed playing with Emma and spending time with us. When we took her back home we went to the carousel and let monster try it out for the first time. She loved it!

Unfortunately the holiday was also a bittersweet when Thanksgiving morning we heard that Collin's mom was beginning to become unresponsive (yes, she held on for an entire month more than they expected). She passed away the morning of December 1st.

With these sad tidings, December became a blur of poor eating choices and celebrating life. My tiny toddler turned one, she got to see Santa at our company's Christmas party, and we had a lovely house warming/ birthday party. It was great to be able to fill our home with friends and family and just enjoy the awesomeness of owning our first home. In my last post I covered everything holiday related so I am not going to go into that all over again. But I will show your our holiday family photo and a picture of me with my little monster from Christmas morning.

Today is it. The last day of 2014. 2015 is looking to be a year of physical and financial goal achievement, but other than that we have no major plans in the works. I will be celebrating my 30th birthday in a month! I am excited for that.

Our focus in 2015 will be paying off the remaining debt we have, while putting small weekly chunks into savings to build our reserve back up, nurturing and spending time with our tiny demon spawn, making improvements on our home (both the yard and house; which I will try to share via photos and such as we go), and complete our fitness goals.

With regards to the fitness stuff, last night I had a wonderful idea on how to help keep us accountable and motivated. I will try and share this later today so that anyone interested can give it a whirl in the new year!

Phew, made it! Happy New Year!

In A Traditional Sense

The major holiday has officially come and gone. I must say it was a pretty great season this year. The only dark cloud that cast a shadow upon it all was the still fresh wound left by the loss of Collin's mom. But her passing was also a good reminder as to why we need to enjoy and cherish each moment we have.

I may not be religious in the traditional sense but we do believe very strongly in tradition and with the holiday season we have developed some pretty strong traditions and hope to build some new ones with the little one and future baby (hoping for numero dos in just under two years).

Here's a glimpse into our annual traditions.

Christmas lights go up the weekend following Thanksgiving. That's how it has been and how it will always be. The reason I am so staunch about this is that I insist on taking them down New Years Eve or Day.

The Christmas tree we are a bit more flexible about. We put it up three weeks before Christmas this year, but honestly I would rather keep it to about two weeks before the big day. It finally started to crap needles everywhere two days before Christmas and the cat was trying to eat them like a moron. So we removed the decorations and put it on the back deck.

Christmas Eve is Swedish Christmas with Collin's extended family. This is comprised of a bunch of extremely fatty foods and alcohol. The constantly present dishes are potato palt (potato dumplings with bacon in the middle) commonly served with melted butter, and Swedish meatballs made from scratch served with lingonberries. A new aspect to this tradition will forevermore be my bread pudding for dessert. The drink of choice for this get together is hot buttered rum. Next year, I hope the tiny demon will stay up for dinner and gifts. She was passed out shortly after six p.m.

Christmas morning I plan to continue the tradition Collin's mom had of frying the leftover palt and making Swedish pancakes for breakfast. This year we skipped the pancakes and had leftover bread pudding, but from here on out it will be pancakes. Then after breakfast it's time for gifts. This year was fun; about halfway through opening her presents the wee one got the idea that she needed to rip the paper to open her presents. Then she preferred playing with the paper over the presents themselves, but isn't that the way of it?

Christmas day or Boxing day (the day after) we do our dinner, which we have adopted the tradition of doing an English style roast dinner including Yorkshire puddings (equivalent to a popover). We make sure to pick up a pack of crackers (fun little party poppers filled with tissue paper crowns, toys, and jokes) and tend to have a great time with it all.

I think a new tradition will be our post holiday cleanse. Starting tomorrow we will be doing another mild juicing, and we will also be doing four weeks vegan eating. Well lacto/ovo-vegetarian at least. We are excited to try this and the money we save by not having meat for a month will be worth it in and of itself. If we truly enjoy this next month of meals we will probably do this once a quarter (one month of every three / four times a year). I will keep you posted on how the next weeks go.  The main reason for this much needed cleanse is to flush out the ten pounds of junk and bloat I have gained in the last week.

Yea, to say I feel gross is an understatement. The bloat is so bleh. And I know that is what it is, because when I weighed myself, though I feel like I gained fifty it's really only about eight to ten. Another thing I was really terrible about over the holiday week was not drinking enough water. Honestly, this whole month I was pretty bad about it.

Back on track I must get! My goal for the coming months is to drop six pounds (or more) each month. I am feeling confident and motivated to reach this goal finally. In my mind it is just as important (if not more so) as our financial goals. 2015 is lining up to be a year of goal achievement and awesomeness.

One thing I am committing myself to doing is putting small but regularly increasing increments of money into our savings account. I am trying that ever popular fifty two weeks savings challenge. The gist of it is you save a dollar amount equal to the number of the week; so week one you set aside one dollar, and week twenty four you set aside twenty four dollars. If you stick to this plan by the end of the year you will make a final deposit of fifty two dollars and have close to $1,400 saved. Pretty awesome? I think so.

To keep myself accountable on both the health and wealth goals for the year I will try to share where I am at with both goals via at least monthly updates.

In the next few days it will be time for the year in review for 2014, and what a crazy and exciting year it has been! Much love and best wishes from me to you!

Why Do Adult Humans Drink Milk?

Serious. What other mature mammal in the animal kingdom not only ingests milk past childhood but also ingests the milk of various other creatures instead of their own?  This was something that Collin and I briefly touched on one evening and I have been meaning to pose this question for sometime. (Well, I have for the last ten odd days, at least)

I think this query will replace my pondering on the point of why Canadian bacon, which isn't even called that in Canada, is on a Hawaiian pizza....

This post is going to be semi- split personality; one topic hilarious to keep it light and then a serious nugget betwixt the laughter. Just want you to be prepared. It's not all me being scatter brained.

I brushed against this next bit a couple posts ago and failed to revisit it as promised.

One thing that was extremely unexpected with my weight loss is a mild case of body dysmorphic disorder. I say mild because unlike a full blown sufferer it doesn't consume me. Part of me likes to just chalk it up to insecurity but I know it's a bit beyond that.

Since having lost the majority of the weight (still have about 65-75 lbs. I want to drop) I still have a hard time seeing me. I look in the mirror and I still see the 430 lb. me, not the 260 lb me. My clothes are smaller, people tell me constantly that it looks like the weight is falling off, yet still I see the old me more often than not when I look in the mirror. To top it off, when I am having a "bad" day it makes it harder to believe people when they tell me I am looking great.

I have to purposely take the time to look at pictures of me now versus pictures of me then. Even then it's hard. And don't mistake me sharing this as a cry for any sort of praise or such. It doesn't do anything to help me. This is more a moment where I hope by sharing this flaw of mine it will help someone else recognize an issue of their own. Regardless of what the mirror or other people say, one must learn to love and adore their own self. I have to remember this. I can shout from the roof how much I love myself and how happy I am with where I am from where I was, but there will always be the shadow of that 430 lb. girl looming over me. I will still see that in the mirror on a bad day, even once I achieve my goal and get the excess skin removed (got to give praise to the dude who had the balls to try a go fund me campaign... Might need to consider that in a few years). It's an ongoing struggle and I think it helps me knowing that it's there and acknowledging it.

Now for some fun, another glimpse into the talking points that fill my amazing marriage.

Again, I don't even remember why this happened. Something about blowing spit bubbles. I then went and said, "Oh my god, wouldn't that be a horrible stripper name? 'Spit Bubbles'? And it ain't because of her mouth!" We then fell into a fit of laughter. Yea, I know. We have a winning sense of humor, and you know you wish you had been there. I am trying to get better of noting these interludes so I can share these gems with you. Sometimes they are too funny and I have to run to the toilet before I can pee myself and then I forget to jot them down.

Last week, in an effort to socialize more with my new neighbors, I went to a holiday cookie exchange hosted by the lady who lives next door. It was great. I got to meet several gals that live around me, and learned that we all have small children that are close in age. One of them brought her adorable three month old daughter, and boy that did not help my baby fever at all. The most hilarious moment though was learning that the chick with the three month old knows my niece's dad because her husband co-manages the restaurant he works at with him. Small effing world. They live next door on the other side. Funny, funny, funny.

Since we plan to raise our family here I do plan to be involved with the community as much as possible. I think that is important, especially in smaller towns, but people in large cities need that community too. And I am going to back away from the soapbox now because I don't feel like having this discussion. I have baddies to kill in WoW.

Next post I will share some of our festive traditions and our meal plan for the next month. It's something we will probably start doing quarterly, like juicing, so stay tuned!

Shocking Facts and Musings Ending with A Simple No Yeast Pizza Dough

Okay, they are not all that shocking... Well, to me they aren't but to the unsuspecting public they could be.

Collin and I had a rather short but in depth talk about both our mental states and where we are in the grieving process and both of us recognize that we are the type of grievers that feel we need to fill the emptiness in our hearts with something. I mentioned this in my last post I think. Yea, we are each other's support system to keep us from doing something we normally wouldn't.

We also admitted we are both suffering from some pretty serious baby fever. Oooo, I bet that one was a shocker... No? Well it was to us when we admitted it to one another. It doesn't help that we know quite a few people who are expecting... Like at least half a dozen.  No, there will be no new Wilson Baby in 2015, so just cool your jets.

This brings me to the next observation:

Okay, first I just looked over at my cat to find her on this mountain of throw pillows and blankets on the couch.... She looks quite happy.

Okay, back to the observation: Kid's toys are a pain in the arse to wrap! I was wrapping all our gifts tonight, and as I am wrapping the wee one's I started having flash backs to wrapping my nieces' and nephew's gifts way back when.  It probably didn't help that I wrapped hers last AFTER wrapping everyone else's odd shaped gifts....

We had the tiny monster's one year appointment yesterday and I was happy to find that she has slowed down in growth. At her nine month she was in the 100% for height and 89% for weight and 96% for head circumference. At this check up she was 89% height, 82% weight and 86% head circumference. It's nice to finally have all her stats within a 10% range (7% technically).

Talked with her doctor about transitioning to milk, she said we could go forth and just cut out formula entirely, so we did. Today. She didn't seem any less content. Also, as she has only ever had her formula from a bottle, we eliminated those as well. She didn't seem to give a crap about the lack of bottles today.

Have I mentioned how much I love my little monkey? Seriously, we took them away cold turkey and she hasn't made a single fuss about it. I can't imagine having a more agreeable and easy going child. So I am prepared for future kid to be a little nightmare. Hahaha! No, I truly believe that we can have roughly the same outcome on demeanor in the early months if we stick to our style of parenting.

I am enjoying the tail end of my guilty holiday pleasure; Love Actually. I love this movie and could watch it a million times and never tire of it. We also shared the Labyrinth with the wee demon this evening, not that she actually paid attention to it at all. There were a couple of songs that almost sucked her in and that was about it. Maybe in a few years it will be more exciting for her.

The house truly feels like our home. I spent the better part of yesterday hanging some floating shelves on the living room wall around the TV and most all of our pictures are now hung in the hallway.

A week from now we are hosting our housewarming / the kid turned a year old party. With it ending up landing five short days from C day I'm thrown for a loop. What do I do for a theme? My thought? Nothing. There will be food and visiting and catching up and that's all I really want out of it.

Wednesday was crazy. I was feeling a little off and by the time we got home from picking up the kiddo at daycare I was beyond a little off. I pushed through and made dinner even though I almost burned it by needing to lay on the couch while it was cooking. I barely remember the evening. I couldn't remember where the thermometer was (still have a few boxes packed) so I used the little one's ear thermometer. I know, the thing really can't be inaccurate but I made myself think it was because I'm an adult... At one point it read 102.3 degrees... Many don't know this about me, but my internal temp has always ran lower than average. Typically I hover between 96.6 and 97.1 degrees. So I essentially had a "normal" person's fever of 104... Scary right? And then by bedtime I was down to 100 degrees and then when I woke up in the morning I was back to normal. The only other issues I had were some abdominal cramping and such that I will not expand on. No idea what happened. I think it may be tied to our crappy sleeping and stress and maybe a touch of food poisoning, but yea.... Weird. I know it freaked Collin out. I don't get fevers like that.... Ever. The one positive out of that little issue was I dropped all of my grieving weight......

Today was our company's children's holiday party. It was great fun. I was so proud when it was time for pictures with Santa, hell spawn did amazing! She didn't freak out, scream or cry! We couldn't get her to smile really but I'll take the no meltdown. She got a little gift bag with a little purple stuffed bunny and some coloring pages and such. We named the bunny Doug. One of his limbs was immediately being chewed on the moment he was placed in her hands. So I started calling it a new chew toy. Realistically, anything plush and fuzzy is just that for her while she is teething. Screw teething toys, give the kid a fleece blanket and she is good to go.... No joke.

Our company holiday luncheon was Thursday. Luckily, my appetite wasn't jacked after Wednesday's interlude. The lunch was catered by the Marriott and was amazeballs. Caesar salad, cheese tray, rice pilaf, green beans, beautifully cooked salmon, and some tangy sweet and sour meatballs (that's just what I partook of). And it was polished off with a wide array of yummy desserts. I had this light, decadent, chocolate mint cake. It was perfect. I really do enjoy working for this company because they really do value their employees and go above the societal norm to show them that. Side note: one of my team members celebrated her 35th year with the company and received a gorgeous diamond bracelet as a sign of their gratitude for her dedication, along with commemorative pin. Apparently they give pins out at the one year mark too (Collin should be due for his this week). It's just weird to work somewhere so employee oriented. It's also nice.

There was something else I was going to share but can't remember so I am going to tell you about the amazing pizza crust I made tonight using two (technically four) ingredients. Greek yogurt and self rising flour. It is really that easy. I personally don't keep self rising flour but found a nice quick fix for that so we'll go over that first. If you do not have self rising flour you can accomplish the same ends by pouring 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder into a one cup measuring cup and then filling the difference with plain old all purpose flour. The pizza dough recipe only calls for one cup of the self rising flour so you are good to go with that.

You mix the one cup self rising flour with one cup of greek yogurt. You can also add seasoning if you so choose. The recipe I found said to use a stand mixer on low for a minute to bring the dough together, but I don't see the point. I mixed mine with a rubber spatula by hand and it came together perfectly. While I was a-measuring and a-mixing the oven was a-preheating to 350 degrees F. Instead of greasing a cookie sheet I opted to use some parchment paper; what's great here is that you have something you can pull double duty with. I dumped the dough ball directly from bowl to parchment paper and then rolled it out with a floured rolling pin. Get it to your desired thickness then transfer it (parchment and all) to your pan/sheet.

The recipe I followed said to top and then bake for 20-30 minutes. I did mine for about 27 or 28 minutes. The crust was crisp-ish on the bottom and pretty chewy but not raw. Next time I may pre-cook the crust for about five minutes before adding the toppings... We'll see.

Considering the crust was so simple to pull together I must applaud it; this was the tastiest non-yeast pizza dough I have ever had. I strongly recommend it.

Now I am going to find some mindless thing to watch. Most likely a cooking show. I am really into Ree Drummond's Pioneer Woman right now.

They have a small collection of it on Netflix. Have a great night and enjoy your tomorrow! I know I will, baking and bath time for the little hellion.

350th Post: Phone Drinking Cyborg Baby

Wow. Three hundred and fifty posts. CAH-razy. I recently re-read my first post, titled "Jerk My Turkey Stick", because my dad had begun reading my blog, from the start and he said it made him laugh so hard it hurt. Totally reminded me why I began sharing my life and thoughts with you all.

My tiny toddler (title earned by being a year old AND because she is walking) is a cyborg. She is also one of the only tiny humans I know to have an iPhone 4s. It's really more a glorified iPod; it's kind of fried but still works on wifi and has a bunch of kids' apps.

But back to the cyborg tendencies of the child. We have two cases for her iPhone. One is a Fisher Price toy thing (see picture below), and the other is a silicone owl (see next picture).

The other day I gaze upon my wonderful offspring to find her holding the phone in the owl case like a juice box (for lack of better words) and tilting her head back like she was drinking from it. We then decided this meant she is a cyborg and that's why she sleeps so well. If she didn't sleep as much her batteries would run out so much quicker. I think she was trying to suck the juice from the battery. You know, have a little LI rush as opposed to a sugar rush.

Achievement unlocked: The tiny monster reached her first birthday!

So bizarre to think about her being a year old already. Even though there is no way she will remember it beyond us telling her and showing her pictures, I made sure it was still a special day. I threw together an easy peasy spice cake with purple funfetti frosting and we got her a couple of presents (something I had not intended to do but will explain further down below).

We brought her home from daycare and immediately had cake. Me being the prepared person I am (remembering other little ones' first birthday pictures) I put down two shower curtains from the dollar store to save on some of the clean up. The little prissy princess was almost disappointing in the way she approached the cake. Like, she gingerly scraped some frosting off with her little hand and tasted it, and that was it. She did eat some of the actual cake, but even with Collin trying to encourage her into smashing it she just wasn't having it. The only mess she made was when she leaned forward over her tray to look at her feet or something and smashed her chest into the cake. We wiped her down and changed her shirt.

Then it was time for the presents!

Again, little miss priss was so gentle and Collin had to help her unwrap her gifts. The first was the Fisher Price case mentioned above, and the second was a toddler size chair with a stuffed kangaroo sitting in it (she loves giraffes and kangaroos). See pictures.

She loves them both so much. She loves to snuggle the kangaroo and drag it around by the tail all the time. And she will climb in and out and in and out and up and down on the chair. I think we did good.

No lie, it was hard to divide up the things we bought her for her birthday and Christmas. We got her a couple of things for that holiday too.

Now, I will explain the scary issue I have that led me to buying gifts that I had no intention of purchasing. I mean, I will always want to give my children small things for birthdays and Christmas. Even if they don't need it. Other things that they want as they get older they will learn they have to work for, but this whole plan/philosophy of ours on how we parent our kid(s) is a whole post of it's own (and I don't need/want/expect anyone to agree with it).

Like I was saying, where some people sleep, or drink, or whatever when grieving I make irrational decisions. I am much better about it than I was say ten, hell even five years ago. If I was still that me I would have gained fifty pounds from eating everything in the last week, I would be smoking, we would have a new/unnecessary TV, we might be getting a puppy, and in a extreme move of reckless behavior I'd probably end up pregnant. Because all of those things would surely heal the pain of losing someone who was a prominent mother figure for me.

Yea, drinking would probably be the cheaper option.

Instead of all that I did pack on five pounds of bereavement weight as of Friday's hop on the scale and bought five gifts total for the demon spawn's first birthday and first real Christmas (I don't count last year since we were just out of the hospital). Much healthier than the old me would have coped.

I think the next post will touch on something serious that I am recognizing more and more in myself. Completely unrelated to my shopaholic tendencies: body dis-morphia. This is something I am really struggling with, especially with the current mild depressive state I am in. That five pounds I mentioned above feels/looks like thirty to me. Yea, that might give you an idea of how I still see myself. But we'll go over that next time.

Now I am going to have a healthy evening snack of stove top popcorn, and enjoy some Property Brothers.

It's Like Laxative for Your Soul

To say this week has been tough is an understatement. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that all that has happened has truly happened.

Collin and I have both been suffering from mild insomnia related to our emotional constipation. It seems different to grieve a loss when you have a small child in the picture; one that is completely unable to understand why mommy or daddy is so sad. That's one point where we put up a block. Then there is work; we know we are entitled to bereavement time, and we are taking it. In the same breath there isn't much we can bring ourselves to do to process this life altering event so we go to work, we focus on our duties and push through when a moment's daydream leaves us reeling and on the brink of tears. My only makeup since Monday has been waterproof mascara just to be safe. The time we have taken off we have thrown ourselves into various projects around the house. Collin tearing out the deck, me cleaning and putting things in their places (pictures and such).

Admittedly, we have not allowed ourselves the time to truly feel the loss. I know this is why sleep eludes us, and what does come is restless, fitful, and uncomfortable. Last night, the one semi- "decent" stretch I had I awoke from with a throbbing right arm after having slept on it completely wrong. I swore for a moment that I must've dislocated something.

Today, while on another painful and fruitless adventure, Collin asked what remedies there were to help with the sleeping. I mentioned melatonin (a good natural remedy) but that I wanted to try something else first. He agreed to try whatever I had in mind, so I told him. We need to pick the saddest movie in the world and watch it after the wee one is in bed. We hmmed and hawed about which one to watch and after researching online and seeing what we had readily available to us decided upon Marley and Me.

I know, you're asking how does a movie about a dog help cope with losing a mother. Well, it creates an outlet for you to really relate to and come to grips with the emotions you have been bottling up inside. It really pushed us to think about the pain and sadness of this loss. Even though we had seen the movie before and knew full well how it ended it still sparked the dynamite that blew the dam out of the way. By the end tears were flowing and paper towels were soaked. I know my husband well enough to know he will have no shame in me sharing this, but as Owen Wilson's character said goodbye to his beloved pup both of us were quietly sobbing.

It really brought that pain right up to the surface like a cork in a bowl of water. There was no way to push it back down.

I am now completely exhausted, but as I was starting the dishwasher and as I brushed my teeth all these thoughts about how amazing it felt to have that release began to swirl through my mind. I knew that if I didn't take a small chunk of time to pound this out on the plastic I would miss out on the benefits of feeling all those emotions.

I(we) will be sad for a good while; I am not delusional or sleep deprived enough to think that one good cry over a movie is going to heal the hurt in my heart. At least now, I feel like I am allowing myself to mourn.

It's not all sad though. I am hoping to share another post with you in the coming days. I could share things and thoughts now, but they are so completely contrasting to this that I feel it better saved for its own. The joy of life deserves just as much recognition as the sadness. Never have I experienced them working separately. Where ever the pain is, so too is the joy.

A Dandelion Puff In a Hurricane

That's about how I am holding together.

It still seems surreal that my mother in law is no longer with us. I mean, I knew it would happen soon but now that it has it just doesn't seem like it's possible. I have to really think about what day it is, or what day tomorrow is. It feels like forever since it happened, and then it feels like it was barely seconds ago since we heard the news. She passed away Monday morning.

I was expecting it to be hard.

My mother in law was more of a mother to me than I can ever explain. We spent so much amazing time together, and it pains me more than anything that my little monster will never know the wonderful woman that she was. One solemn thing I can vow is that she will hear all that we can possibly share with her about her grandmother. Every story, every recipe, every crochet pattern I will share with her and our future kid.

I try not to dwell too much on the end of her life because it just doesn't seem right that she went out that way. If you knew her at all, you knew she was a pistol. Of course now I am thinking of the movie Big Fish and the song by Yellowcard "How I Go." She was a thrice married, green peace loving, conservative liberal, quilting, crocheting, knitting, baking, smoking, coffee drinking, red meat eating, adopted a baby from Korea (sorry to let the cat out of the bag), bad ass mother fucker. One thing that stayed pretty true to the end - she wouldn't think twice about telling you what's what.

One of my favorite stories about mom was from when Green Day played the Auditorium in Salem years ago. She was working the event (as her and Collin had done numerous times) and was out back having a smoke. Hot damn if Billie Joe Armstrong didn't come out there and start chatting with her. She talked with him and then as he was going back in he thanked her for listening and talking to him like any other person. Well, the joke was on him -  she had no freaking clue who he was. Kills me every time.

Last night as I was trying to process, but not process all of the emotional storms rolling inside me. I really needed to find a picture of her smiling. Any picture; just some proof to remind myself that she wasn't always the scared and confused, bed ridden woman that we would visit on the weekend for the last few months. I knew that such photos existed from our wedding, but having just moved who the hell knows where they may have ended up. I know where some physical photos are; in the garage stored away on the storage shelves above the garage door, but to get to those I risked waking Emma in the process should my clumsy ass drop anything. I have no idea where the digital copies wound up, I know I saw the disc when we were packing before the move, but who's to say what box it was in.

As some may have seen I vented this frustration to the world, and the sweet rescuing angel that is Collin's aunt responded. She messaged me that she would find what she could and send them to me. Her husband was the photographer at our wedding. Plus, she was her sister. She pulled through in the biggest way. The following photo is one of my absolute favorites because it is completely candid and genuine. She didn't even know she was being photographed whilst talking to the mother of one of my dear friends.

She looks so beautiful and happy in this picture.

His aunt also sent me several other photos from much earlier in mom's life. I am hoping to have many of them printed and framed. I mean it when I say I want my kids to know about this spectacular woman.

This is a picture (again from our wedding day) of Collin, his mom and his sister.

So many memories jockeying for position in my mind. This may turn into a series of posts and stories. I am too emotionally exhausted to write out anymore tonight.

Tomorrow we are getting together with his aunt and sister. We are both off on bereavement tomorrow, but I am going to slip into work in the wee hours for about an hour to get some critical things done. Things I can't do remotely. I imagine we will be discussing plans for a celebration of life. We had planned our house warming/the kid is one party for this weekend, but postponed it following the news of mom's departure from this plane of existence.

As we are all reminded when we or someone we know suffers the loss of a loved one:
Hold those who matter closest, and always let them know how much you love and care. Whether the end is expected or not, you never have enough time.

Whacky Windy Wintry Wednesday

Wow, today feels far more like winter than it does fall. Much to the fear of my terrified statespeople some weather outlets are forecasting "wintry precipitation" over the next 24 hours... We shall see. I am trying to be realistic but at the same time the last time I nay-sayed a serious wintry forecast (because this is Oregon) we ended up with over a foot of snow plus a couple inches of ice....

From our work break adventures my poor face feels mildly wind burned this evening so I am chugging water like I am in a desert (my secret method to alleviate mild sun and wind burn).

Since my last post the world has righted itself as much as it ever will and things are progressing in general.

My training at work is done and I am flying solo this week. I like to think I am rocking it. The only thing tripping me up is coming into long standing issues that were left unattended by my predecessor, but I think you would find that with most any new position. I am confident that by the end of this week I should have most all of it reined in. Just in time for me to take a day off. Hahaha!

As for life in the real world beyond my nine to five (actually it's 7:30 to 4 but hairs) life has been going better than we could have ever hoped!

We signed on our house a week ago, and as luck would have it everything fell into place for us to get our keys last Friday. It was a rough and stressful week so we didn't really have as much fun with the major life event as I had wanted, but I think once we are officially moved in and it really hits us, we will truly celebrate.

So, with keys in hand we began to take as much stuff over as we could. First I vacuumed, swept and mopped Friday and Saturday. We pretty much spent all day Saturday there putting boxes in the areas of the house they belonged and changing the locks.

Our first major accomplishments as new homeowners were the locks and the water. Yea, forgot to mention that did I?

The house being bank owned was winterized... In September.... So they shut the water off at the street and drained every pipe and tank in the house. Wasn't that thoughtful? Want to know what was even more considerate? The stupid 3x5" green stickers affixed to every gosh darn water source throughout the house. Yea, they peeled off so easily... NOT. There will be copious amounts of Goo Gone used to remove them. Thankfully, the one actually placed on the wall above the washer hookups came off without damaging the paint. (see below)

The other task I had hoped to accomplish this weekend was to remove most if not all of the huge half rotted deck from the backyard. I got one board done (you can see it in the picture)... Then I noticed that the asshole who put it in used THREE different types of deck screws when they built it. Oh well, I will work on it this weekend or sometime soon. I need to get it done before spring so I can seed for grass...

But that is all fine, because it is our home. Not another rental, but a home that is truly ours. And that thought alone is amazing to me.

We now have a busy weekend ahead as we officially move from our rental to our new home. The wee one will get to spend a day with her super cool aunt, while we (along with some friends) load up and move everything that's left over to the house. To keep it interesting we have a much needed hair appointment in the afternoon. Then to keep true to our traditions, Saturday (our first night in the new home) night we will be having chinese food for dinner.

Sunday we have to do a quick sweep of the rental and turn in our keys. Then it will be unpacking and settling into our home.

I'm sure I will have more to share as we go along, but fair warning we may be without interwebs for a few days.... Terrifying right?! I'm sure we will be too busy to tell. We can always play movies if we need to.

Now I am going to curl up in bed for the second to the last night in this place. That is such a happy thought.

Sweet dreams. **Side note: too tired to edit, if you see a typo I'm sorry.

My World Just Flipped, Turned Upside Down

I can't sleep. I really need to and I know that the alarm (assuming there are no middle of the night/way too early in the morning baby wake ups) will come much sooner than I wish for it to. I especially need the sleep because lucky me went and caught the cold that Emma brought home. I figure I am lucky that I have been able to go a few months without getting a cold from her... Got a stomach bug in August, but no colds.

I truly tried to relax and clear my mind and drift off to sleepy dream land. There are just so many thoughts going through my head. I figure rather than toss and turn for another hour I might as well clear it all out the best way I know. Write it out. I wholeheartedly believe in writing as therapy.

We'll start with work. The past two days have been middle of the road to great with my training. I have come to grips with the fact that it is not humanly possible for us to cover everything that she wants to before the end of the day on Friday. At this point, that really doesn't bother me. I think I have a pretty firm grasp on the critical stuff (plus a ton of extraneous stuff) so I should be fine. Plus there is always historical material I can fall back on.

The most interesting part of this transition from here on will be the moving. This will be my second desk change since I started. I am actually really stoked about this move. My last move put me over with all the leads and the supervisor; which has been nice. I love them all and the supervisor and I get along famously. The reality is that whomever they hire to back fill my desk will need to be where I was (right next to the segment lead)  while he/she is in training. I am happy that I will get to sit next to the other customer service reps again. It's been a little weird for me because I have been sort of removed from the team with where my desk currently is and it will be good to get to socialize with them more.

The only awkward part of the desk move left is figuring out when my trainer is moving all her stuff to her new cubicle in her new department. I have to coordinate my move with having the desk raised, my keyboard tray installed, and relocating a shelf and some filing cabinets. So, after her stuff is moved I have to have facilities come to make the changes and then move all my stuff. I also need to measure the height difference between our two desks and figure out what stuff she is taking versus leaving, but I don't want to be uncouth and pushy about it, you know? I figure (assuming I am not given further information beforehand) I will find out Thursday or Friday.

Now onto the real move.

We heard that our file came back from the USDA today. We should be signing in the next day or two, and might even have keys by Friday. Wouldn't that be a fucking kick in the pants?! Feels like we have been at this and waiting forever.

This amazingly wonderful news is the main reason I am having trouble getting to sleep. I am working in my head to coordinate everything from getting the Uhaul to our housewarming party. I know, I know, I'm good at making more work for myself. We figured we would have a big(small) get together not only as an informal housewarming but also to celebrate the little monster's first birthday. It will be very laid back, and honestly, with having been married for almost ten years and living on our own for almost seven, we kind of have everything. If anything, we are asking the guests for gift cards to Lowe's so we can make the minor cosmetic fixes that need to be done.

I am working through in my head coordinating any helpers we have, including a family member that has agreed to watch the little one on moving day. Since we have an appointment in the afternoon on moving day, I plan to get shit going as early as I can. If we do get keys before this weekend we plan to take a couple car loads of boxes over and I plan to vacuum and wipe everything down. Since they are forecasting amazing weather for this time of year I am also hoping I can at least get a good start on taking out the rotting deck in the back yard. Given that the person who put it in only used one, maybe two, screws per board it really shouldn't take to long to pull them out and stack the boards.

But again, might be getting ahead of myself.

I do know that I am going to take a half day the day before we move to get as much laundry and such done here at the current place. We still need to get a washer and a dryer and I am hoping we can hold out until Black Friday sales are going on, but we shall see. I am also taking the Monday off after we move so I can work on getting everything settled and also so I can be available to spend some time at the new daycare to help with that transition. I think my little monster will handle it just fine, but I still want to be there to support her through this move.

It's just a huge relief for the finish line to finally be more definite. For a while we feared we wouldn't be moving until the weekend before Thanksgiving.

And also, it feels great to be this close to the finish line with my training. It will be nice to be back at my machine working rather than watching someone with a very disjointed thought process try to work. All said, I plan to get her a thank you card for all her "help and support" in my transition.

I think this helped... I am going to try and lay down now and get some sleep. I'm sure there were other thoughts I had to share, but I need to take advantage of this drowsiness while I can.

Have a good night!

You Know What I Think Is Craze-Mazing?

Slow cookers!

I love mine. If you have never used one, try it. If you have one and aren't using it; email me your address and I will come slap you.

Seriously, in a world where we are all about convenience and speed (though it sounds like an oxymoron) the slow cooker can be your best friend. In the fall/winter/spring months it is my go to favorite kitchen gadget (other than Gandalf, but I don't bake every week).

Right now we are on a big steel cut oat thing and I make them in my slow cooker. We have made three different flavors so far; pumpkin pie (our favorite so far), apple cinnamon (second favorite), and maple brown sugar (need to invest in real maple...). The best part is that one batch makes breakfast for the both of us for at least 3-4 mornings.

When not using it for amazing breakfast awesomeness I use it for soups, stews, chili and anything else that tastes good made in a slow cooker. I have two slow cookers; one is my rice cooker/slow cooker and the other is my true blue CrockPot slow cooker. I love both of them for different reasons. The rice cooker/slow cooker has a nonstick insert, when not using it for oatmeal or rice I have been using it in place of the crock pot (which is packed in a box along with most of my stuff in the garage). After experimenting with both I find that they each make certain things better than the other. The crock pot does better chili, stews and roasts. The rice cooker makes better soups and sauces. Maybe I'll share recipes sometime, but this isn't a food blog and I'm not going to go all crazy posting pictures of the food I eat on a daily basis.

Intermission seasonal picture (imagine some upbeat intermission/elevator music playing):

Yesterday, when hunting for shoes, I decided to try on a pair of pants in what I think is my current size. I grabbed two pairs of pants made by the same line, in the same size; one a pair of stretchy jeans and the other a pair of "slimming" black pants (not sure the material other than lots of lycra fibers). The slimming pants I couldn't squeeze my hips into, but the jeans fit perfectly.

This experiment confirmed three things:

1. Different styles of pants fit differently; even when shopping in the same brand.

2. All of my work pants are officially two sizes too big.

3. I can most likely buy my pants at Costco now because (in this brand at least) I am no longer a "plus" size. I like this because we get rewards on our membership, and they tend to have the pants cheaper than anywhere else.

This particular brand has drawn my attention because they offer a range of colored denim that doesn't look like jeans so I can wear them to work if I so choose. I might get a pair in the near future. Realistically, I need at least one more pair of dress pants that fit properly, but at the same time, maybe I should go for broke and wait to be down another size.... Hrmmm... Decisions, decisions.

I think our Roku is telling us it is time for bed... It doesn't want to load Netflix...

So, good night!

Footprint Crafts For Adults

Today we continued the search for new shoes. After being utterly disappointed at yet another store, the tiny human made it clear she needed a nap. We came home and put her in her crib. Then Collin and I did water impressions of our feet; see my size eleven fins below.

This fun project combined with a nifty tool we used online to establish how we walk, bend and flex; helped us find the most appropriate shoe types we should get for our next pair. Both of us need more stable and controlling shoes. I know that I do because I feel the beginning symptoms of issues with my left foot. Possibly plantar facsiitis, but we'll see what happens over the next couple weeks.

We went to visit Collin's mom, and as we walked out with his aunt and sister were shocked to hear that she has refused everything, and I mean everything, for the last five days.

After we said our goodbyes we went to yet another shoe store on the way home. Pretty quickly we found these amazing neon pink Nikes for me that feel so beautifully supportive and awesome. The tiny human and I went meandering as Collin went in search of his own amazeballs shoes. Her and I oogled some boots and checked out some purses then found our way back to Collin. He felt he was striking out. I asked if he had checked the clearance section and 'lo and behold he did find the perfect pair of shoes.

We were  both extremely happy with our findings and came home with time to spare for showers for us and a bath for the wee one before dinner.

She is trying so hard to walk. More and more each day she does without even realizing it. Thursday she walked from one part the couch to me completely unassisted. She tried a couple more times between Friday and Saturday. Today she took a few unsupported steps multiple times. Before dinner Collin "helped" her to walk with her "walker" toy all over the living room. She also "walked' on her knees around the living room. Her little legs are getting stronger and stronger every day. As I watch her learn to walk, I find that I completely agree with my friend's theory that skinny babies take longer to be comfortable and confident in their walking after they begin cruising than chunkier babies take. I think it comes down to them finding their center of gravity. Either way, I am so proud and terrified of this milestone.

The little demon managed to stay up until just before seven tonight. I have no idea how, but I am so happy she did. With the time change we feared she'd want to go to bed around 5:30 or 6pm. I'd like to believe that her schedule we managed to get her on yesterday helped immensely.

Tomorrow, slow cooking awesomeness and pants.

May  you have a marvelous Monday.

Seasonal Polarity

Today we spent a wonderful day at the coast. Emma tried to wake up at 4am this morning, but we managed to squeak out another hour of dozing. We all clamored down stairs around 5:30 and had some form of breakfast. Emma was still tired (maybe if her and Reggie hadn't been up for an hour at four telling jokes) and wanted to go back to bed after breakfast but Collin managed to keep her up. I got things together, took a shower, and then we loaded the car to head out.

We made a couple stops before leaving town (the most important being coffee and gas), and Emma was out before we made it to getting coffee.

She slept until about five miles from my dad's place

We visited with him for about a half hour, but it was so stinkin' chilly that we couldn't let Emma be out in it too long even with her coat and shoes and such. From there we headed in to town to the mall, where we were utterly disappointed in our search for new tennis shoes to replace the ones lost in the half drowning a couple weeks ago.

Yea, I don't remember if I mentioned that or not but we had to toss our shoes from that day... They smelled horrid.

Using our AAA membership got us a free coupon book and a sheet of coupons. I snagged a set of new drip pans (we have to replace them when we move out per the lease) on the cheap thanks to these coupons, and then we also picked up a couple calendars for the upcoming new year.

I probably said and thought this a thousand times today, but holy crap it's November. How the heck is this even possible?! On our drive home after a wonderful visit with our nearest and dearest friends, I was thinking how crazy it was to see all the trees bare and then I remembered that it was November now and winter is seven short weeks away.

The weather today was typical Oregon. For those of you not familiar with our amazing weather, it varies greatly depending exactly where in the state you are, and can even vary depending on what block you are on within the same town. It's awesome. In the summer months when it is sweltering in the Willamette valley it is commonly chilly (by comparison) and foggy at the coast. Come the fall/winter months it reverses. At home today we never made it out of the forties but at the coast it was in the low sixties by the time we left at 2pm.

:Pretty cool, huh?

My brain is kind of flitting around from thought to thought.

The time change is really throwing me off this time. The Fall change normally doesn't get to me so much but now with our dear little monster it is putting me through the ringer. Mostly from a logisitcal stand point. She normally is in bed between 6:30 and 7 of her own accord. Well, tomorrow, what has been her normal will now be 5:30-6 and in turn we fear her waking up at 3:30-4am instead of around 5am. As luck would have it she had a late nap during the trip home from the coast. We somehow managed to keep her little butt up until 8pm tonight. Our goal is to get her to sleep until the new 6am... We'll see how that goes.

I am expecting this next week to be a little rough with regards to our sleep schedule.

Tomorrow we are going to visit Collin's mom and hang out with the rest of the family. This has become the weekly norm. It would be so much better if it wasn't under such sad circumstances. But such is life.

I am hoping to be in the right frame of mind to do a sharing sort of post in the next couple days. I really do want to share my love of my rice/slow cooker and my crock pot. I know they have become more and more popular again and I would love to share some of my thoughts, just the thoughts haven't been there the past few posts... Huh, wonder why.

Good night, and sweet dreams.

Forty Hours More Is Forty Too Much

This is it. After this weekend, I have five work days left with the person who I am replacing.

I can make it.

I can.

Right?

No, I know I can.

Hopefully this weekend will give me the refresh I need to survive this week without letting the rage build up.

That's the only way I can put it. Her attitude changes at the drop of a hat and when it's for the worst I kind of just want to walk away from her. She has totally checked out, and I get that, but quit the back and forth and teach me.

There was something that we had got involved with inadvertently and because of some unbeknownst reason she hates our supervisor so she didn't want to take care of it. When one of our associates was letting us know that she forwarded a follow up email to us I said, "Okay, I will take care of it." To which my trainer replied, "No, it's still my account, I'll take care of it." And she never did because she can't keep track of her emails if her life depended on it.

You know how sometimes you can feel negativity emanating from someone? Yea, I feel that way every time I am sitting next to her and I get caught up in a conversation with the other people in our department. I can just feel her seething that I am laughing and talking with other people. You know me, I have tried to be personable with her and joke, and treat her how I want to be treated. Sometimes it's all good and we are getting along great and then her meds wear off (I have no idea if she is medicated) and she becomes this snippity cranky biatch.

She finally admitted today that my brain works WAY faster than hers does. Which I thanked her for the compliment.

Then she proceeded to snap at me because I asked if we should take care of something and she said no we needed to do this other thing we had been working on. I said okay, and then not five minutes later she is like, "Oh, we need to take care of this other thing right right now," Mind you, this other thing was no more critical than what I had suggested we take care of. I had to remind her five times that I was leaving at lunch for the day and fuck me when I actually left. I felt the daggers flying out of her eyes.

The whole plan with the three weeks of training was that at the end of each week I would take one of the three "groups" she has. With me taking over each group there are records for contact info that needs to be updated in our system and with other departments. She keeps saying how I need to get these profiles updated. I swear to bob if she says it again I am going back to my desk to do it and be done with them.

Back to the transitioning of groups.

We didn't even make it through the group of ten, yes ten, accounts we needed to for this week. Why? Because she is so horribly out of touch with her email and behind on day to day work (and has been since well before I started training with her) she can't keep shit straight. She will spend more than a half an hour "freaking out" (I can think of no other way to describe it) about an email, from a week ago, THAT HAS HAD MULTIPLE SUCCEEDING EMAILS AFTER IT. Me, if it were me reading her emails, I would skim through, group shit by "SUBJECT" (rather than her method of who sent them...) and find the appropriate place to respond. She makes herself look like a fool when she is literally re-working stuff that our associates in other departments and plants have already handled and provided info on.

But heaven help my dumb ass if I suggest one fucking thing to help her do the job easier.

It's crap like this that gives me confidence I will be fine doing this.

So, back to the accounts for this week. In response to her stating that we needed to get through them this week at 12pm today I (again, stupid me trying to be helpful) commented that I was feeling pretty good about what we had covered and that there was only one we weren't able to really touch on. And fuck, the way she looked at me you'd think I suggested we go home and kill her dog. She then snapped at me that she wants to go over each one in detail because they are ALL SO DIFFERENT.....

The final group we have to go over in the next five business days consists of roughly twenty accounts.

We are never going to make it through that shit the way she is doing this. It's not humanly possible.

To "go over" an account what she is doing is taking any emails in her inbox for that customer and putting them in a special folder and then I get to watch her SLOWLY go through the emails one by one and watch her freak out because she isn't following the conversations properly. No joking here, I spent almost three hours, THREE HOURS Tuesday or Wednesday (I can't even remember the days anymore) sitting at her desk doing nothing because I HAD to watch as she went through these emails. And I learned right quick just to keep my mouth shut.

Monday I have my one on one with my supervisor. I was going to reschedule it for the next week when the biatch will finally be gone but realistically I will need the break from her. I will give her the light version of my debriefing and also talk to her about my other accounts that I was trying to maintain and retain during this transition but I feel that I have been neglectful to them. I have two orders and two credits pending on my desk and I just haven't been able to enter them. And lord knows what else is in the emails I couldn't look at today.

Five days. Five more days of work and then I will be off on my own floating in a sea of exciting new stuff. Rest assured, the person training me is not the only source of knowledge regarding the stuff I will be doing. In fact, she herself has only been managing the accounts since January... Yea, January of this year....

I must admit that all this madness associated with my promotion has completely got my mind off ticking the days down until we move... And then it hits me like a freight train that most likely we are moving in two weeks... To the day.... All that I have left to pack is the kitchen essentials and bathroom stuff. I will most likely be packing that up next weekend, except for the day to day stuff.

I hope you all had a fun and safe Halloween (or are still celebrating a fun and safe Halloween).

I Never Told You Everything

This reboot I have accomplished in the last couple weeks with my weight loss has really made me think about my entire history, weight-wise. The memories are sporadic from childhood, but the last ten years are pretty clear. So we will start with the hazy memories of yesteryear and a childhood long gone.

Those who read this and know me personally know that I have always been a "big girl," to put it into PC terms. The reality is that I have always been fat. I do have a larger frame and certain lower weights are unrealistic and ridiculous to even picture myself at. Like, I know I will NEVER weigh less than 120, honestly I don't think I would want to. But I am getting off track here.

My earliest memory of my weight as a child, beyond being bigger than all my friends and clothes never fitting just right, was gym class in third or fourth grade. It was the Presidential Fitness something or other that we had to do each year. I remember being measured for height; I was always taller than my peers, and then stepping on a scale. At eight or nine I weighed 149 pounds. One hundred and forty nine pounds. Now, keep in mind this was before childhood obesity was such a big concern. I was just the fat chick in class. I would carry this moniker with me throughout my school days.

Unlike many other fat kids, I was blessed with mostly great friends. And upon reflection my weight affected who I am in more ways than one... But that is a whole different can of worms, and this post is supposed to be about my weight history, not my psychological history.

From there we fast forward about five years. I know from the school I was in at this point during middle school that I was twelve or thirteen and we were again doing that damn Presidential whatever. I remember getting on the scale and finding I weighed 220 pounds. At that age I had no idea that I would long to be back down to this weight, but then it was completely heart breaking. Why? Why couldn't I have stopped there? What possessed me to continue to make such unhealthy decisions about my weight? I don't think I will ever know.

There is no one I can blame. I mean, there are tons of excuses and blame I could point at others (mainly my parents) but I don't think that is a healthy train to climb aboard.

Jump ahead another year or two. I found this information by perusing old journal entries from bygone days. I gained another seventy seven pounds. I was writing about teen angst and love and how lonely I was and blah blah blah. I noted that at 297 pounds I would "never have any one like me or want to go out." Wah, wah, wah. I really don't pity my younger self, so please, don't you pity her either.

So, half my life ago I weighed more than I do right now.

Jump ahead to senior year, a month shy of 18 and getting ready to take on the world (also homeless and almost done with school and working). I step on the scale at my grandma's and find myself weighing a terrifying 350+ pounds. What the fuck? Seriously. What the fucking shit hell did I do to allow myself to get there? But wait, this wasn't "it".

Fifteen months later, I was dating Collin and finally took myself in for a check-up. Stepped on the scale, and hot damn! I was down to 296 pounds. Woohoo! Go me! And then my ass was unemployed, laying around, eating all sorts of crap and unhealthy food.

The next three years were a constant gain I don't even know when I hit certain points. All I know is that I was not very nice to my body and eating everything I shouldn't in mass quantities. I went in for a check up and was disgustingly shocked and broken to find myself weighing 432 pounds.

FOUR

HUNDRED

THIRTY

TWO

POUNDS

Think about that for a while.

Fucking inexcusably horrifically wretched. No fucking wonder my clothes didn't fit! And that I had to keep buying bigger sizes! I mean what a shock there....

What the hell.

This was my wake up call. That cosmic moment when I got my proverbial slap to the face and shake of the shoulders. I was killing myself faster than I could order a bacon double cheeseburger, fries, and a shake.

I needed to build myself back up and get control of myself.

It has been a long and hard process but pound by pound I have transformed myself. I did not use any sort of pill, or whackadoodle diet. I focused on the common sense things. I reduced my portion sizes, and cut out all the crappy junk food. Bye-bye fast food, soda, and other unhealthy shit.

From there I started to focus on becoming increasingly more active. I began to walk and bike and workout. It was not overnight, and the weight loss was not without its struggles. It took a good four years before I really started to see a change. I dropped fifty pounds very, very slowly over that period. I felt the difference but knew it was a drop in the bucket.

Once we moved from Salem we joined a walking/running group. We started building up our mileage and eventually began to run and walk instead of just walk. Pounds began to fall off me, but I still had my struggles and hit plateaus like anyone else with a long road of weight loss ahead of them.

Let's recap; by 2011 I had slowly dropped down to 376. By early 2013 I was down to 280, and then shortly thereafter found myself pregnant. I was completely okayed by my doctor to continue my weight loss through the pregnancy as long as the baby grew normally. Unfortunately, I then broke my foot. During my pregnancy I did gain about twenty five pounds, but that vanished with my daughter's birth.

For the majority of 2014 I have struggled to maintain my pre-pregnancy weight. It has not been easy, but I was able to stay within a few pounds of that 280 mark.

Knowing that I want to hit my goal weight before we try for baby #2 and knowing we want to have baby #2 in a couple years I know that I have about a year to get there. My goal weight is to get down to 190, maybe 180, but 190 is the magic number for me, and then hopefully a year or two post baby#2 I can have all of the excess skin removed from my body. Realistically this could equate to another thirty to forty pounds that will come off. Think about it; I weighed 432 and will have lost roughly 240-250 pounds by the time I get to my goal range. There was a lot of skin used to cover all that flesh and considering it was stretched for so long there is no way to expect it to shrink down to my new smaller body.

On a side note, this was the thing that always threw me off on the Biggest Loser. How the fuck did all the contestants' excess skin just vanish??? Think about that. We are talking about people who also lost hundreds of pounds of weight. I know, some of them you can see the extra skin here and there, but some of them... Yea... Chew on that for a bit.

I am confident that I am back on track now, and I know with the support I have given myself and the support of my husband I can make it to my goal. With the reboot juicing we did over the last two weeks I dropped another fifteen pounds of bloat and fat and now find myself hovering around 265... I have not been this small since I was about fourteen. Kind of crazy, right? More like full on insane to think about. I am also within 75 pounds of my goal. If I can keep myself focused an stay on track losing 1.5-2 pounds per week over the next year I will be at my goal weight by Halloween 2015.

It's so close now I can see it. I can actually visualize myself being down in the range I am shooting for. And if I get below it, great! Excellent! Amazing!

There it is. All of it. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Now that it's out there I will try to commit to monthly status updates over the next year on here as I literally "work" my ass off. This will be another method for keeping myself accountable.

Last, but never possibly least; I want to thank anyone and everyone who has helped me in this journey. Be it words of encouragement, or just sharing how I was able to inspire or help you in your own journey. It all means so much to me!

One last nugget before I shuffle off to bed (Collin gets so tired of hearing this):

Tip of the day, before you snack ask yourself if you have had enough water today. If you even hesitate for a moment, drink a glass and wait a few minutes before you snack.

Good night!

A Torch Should Take Care of It

Yesterday, like so many times before, Collin and I had one of our epic conversations about long standing sayings. The phrase of choice this time?

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

Before I dive into our conversation let's go over the background of this saying. This saying mostly originated based on an uncouth behavior of old; inspecting the oral health of a horse given to you as a gift. This saying also eventually rolled into gifts in general; don't question a gift or handout too closely. The phrase is also closely linked to the myth about a certain wooden horse left outside the gates of Troy. It is this aspect of the history that our discussion flowered from.

If the story of Troy taught us anything it is that you should, with out a doubt, look a gift horse in the mouth. Heck, you should probably also palpate the abdomen. If it is a large wooden horse it may be suggested to put it to the torch and be done with it. Troy's demise goes completely against the entire thought of this statement's existence. It contradicts the very phrase given the outcome of their acceptance of this gift. We kind of went on about this for a bit.

The tiny human has a new favorite snack. Peas. She loves them. All I have to do is put some in a container with a little water, microwave them for about thirty seconds, and then let them cool. I typically give them to her at dinner time while we are eating so they cool off while I finish making dinner. She snacks on them like they are the best damn finger food in the world.

Her food world has quickly expanded. They are letting her try everything under the sun at daycare (within reason). More and more we have been letting her try whatever we are eating. Crazy to think that a week from now she will be eleven months old. How the hell has that happened so fast.

Now, the outcome of our juicing experiment. We feel it was a success in more ways than one. It allowed both of us to sort of reset our food intake. We are both refocused on keeping portion sizes down, and we are so much more aware of what we eat. We had been doing so good for so long, and then lost sight of that. We began eating lunch again this past weekend, but instead of snacks we plan to continue having juice. Our lunches are seriously half of what they used to be and we are not snacking at all anymore. I have also been supplementing my appetite with green tea and honey; which has a bajillion health benefits of its own. Beyond feeling amazing and having more energy, the biggest marker that this was a successful experiment is that I dropped fifteen pounds of god knows what in the last two weeks. All my clothes are baggy (except for two newer tops I bought in the last month). This is exactly the kick start and motivation boost I needed to get back on track, and thank goodness I was able to before the holidays get here.

I definitely intend to do this a few times a year, or anytime I feel I need to get refocused.

It's both crazy and amazing to think that I weigh less than I did when I was roughly 13-14. I have journals from my teen years, as sporadic as the entries may have been (kind of like how this blog used to be) I have found a couple referencing my weight and how unhappy I was. It will really blow my mind when I get below my 7th grade weight. I don't know that I will ever get down to my weight at eight or nine, but we'll see. Lord only knows once my excess skin is removed (this will be in a few years after baby number two).

It would probably help for me to give you the whole picture, but not tonight. Maybe in my next post. There was something else I wanted to share with you all first.

Upon reflection the following may be too much info, so read at your own risk. If you are female it may be useful to you. If you are a dude, it might be good for you to know to help out your lady friends (talk about a point scorer with this tip).

Last month, this page that I follow on FB called Belly to Baby shared some amazing information and I want to share that information with all of you. I have tried this and wholeheartedly endorse it. That said, just to be safe, please note that I am not a doctor nor am I a medical professional. I have no idea if any of these statements have been proven true by the FDA or any other governing body. Phew, hate that kind of legal stuff. Before I say anything further, I strongly suggest you do your own research, and if you are pregnant or could be pregnant (I am most certainly not) talk to your doctor or midwife before you try this.

Anyways, Belly to Baby (who I believe is a doula; again if you don't know what a doula is look it up) shared that they were having a rough and painful cycle that month. I can't remember 100% but I believe she had this remedy on hand from her last pregnancy. She shared how the remedy helped her with her cramping and made other aspects a little easier as well. What is this magical thing, you ask?

Raspberry leaf tea.

I have tried it, and I can attest that it is an amazing natural remedy for painful cycles. I started drinking two cups a day (one morning and one night) the first day of my cycle, and was blessed to not have a single cramp. This amazed me. My cycle is NEVER not painful. After having birthed a child I can honestly say that my menstrual cramps rival some of the contractions I had during labor. These only last a day or two, but they are horrible and make me a miserable bitch. Having the raspberry leaf tea on hand for this month was a lifesaver. If you have any discomfort during your cycle try this. Seriously. Two cups a day through your cycle starting day one.

Raspberry leaf tea is also recommended in the last couple weeks of pregnancy (I believe, but need to do further research on when in the pregnancy it is safe to consume) as it helps with the contractions (I can see why) and the postpartum bleeding. As mentioned above, not a doctor, talk to yours before you try this if pregnant, or at least talk to someone more knowledgeable than me. I plan to try it at the end of my next pregnancy (so about two years from now).

The training has been good so far this week, and the more I learn the more confident I am that this will be fairly natural to me as I take over the accounts. I don't want to get too cocky about it, but at the same time the more I learn the less intimidating the new position is.

Next post, my weight history, and who knows what else might surface from the depths of my jumbled mind.

The Film Went Straight To Tape

I'm sitting here relishing in the last dredges of a wonderful and productive weekend. Sipping a mug of tea and watching Breaking Bad. My phone is ringing and it's my mother.

She's going on about how she hasn't been home in a month because her apartment is infested with bed bugs...  Note to self do not let her give us anything for a very long time.

Just so we have a clear understanding; my relationship with my mother is tenuous at best. Don't get me wrong, I love her; shit, she's my mom. I just can't tolerate being around her more than three to four times a year and for small chunks of time even then. It pains me to know that 90% of the time, when she does initiate contact it is because she wants something; more often than not she is looking for money.

There are a couple people in my life that make me cringe when my phone rings. I am lucky in that I have more people that I do enjoy getting calls from.

Finally, after promising and promising, I am going to share with you my strategy for meal planning.

Let me start off by saying I have been doing this for years. Once Collin and I were living in our own place and both working I began meal planning. Heck, I think I may have even started doing it when we still lived with his parents. Really, who wants to come home from working all day and have to think of what can be thrown together for dinner?

Most people know that having to think something up every flipping night leads to more eating out, and eating unwisely. You are also then more likely to need to buy lunch the next day and the money spent by doing this adds up so quickly.

Meal planning allows you to more easily stay on a healthy eating plan (I loathe the word diet), and saves you a nice chunk of money. Here's how I've done it.

Every four to six weeks (depending on the length of the last plan) Collin and I brainstorm a bunch of dinners we want or have been craving. The best time to do this is before you eat; it's like the reverse of why you shouldn't go shopping when you are hungry. I plan the meals based on the season; so you won't see me making a casserole or roast during the summer, and neither will you find a week of cold salads in the winter.

After we've come up with a decent list of ideas I start plugging them into a notebook after marking out the days of the week (M, T, W, T, F, S & S) and number the days to match the dates of those days. Every meal I plan I keep in mind the day of the week and also any pre-existing appointments.

I know that every Wednesday I want something quick and/or slow cooked (ready when we get home) because Collin hangs out with his best mate in the evening and I want to make sure he has dinner before he goes.

Fridays and Saturdays I tend to leave open for fun meals, or things we want to try. You may be wondering why we do this, and  I will happily explain. As I mentioned, buying lunch every day adds up fast as sin. Every night's dinner becomes lunch the next day. I have become more lax about some meals and their portability; i.e. last night's tacos can be today's taco salads at work. But things like burgers and fish don't carry over as well. I refuse to microwave fish at work.

I think you get the gist of it. After the list is written with all the meals plugged in I write our "big grocery shopping" list. We are active Costco members and (for now) have a nice little chest freezer in our garage. We buy all our meat, bread (if any, we don't eat bread often), frozen veg and pantry goods once a month. Weekly grocery shopping only consists of easily perishables like milk, eggs, fresh produce, etc. I have not yet tried freezing milk, but I have heard it is very doable. Maybe when we have a bigger freezer and the wee one is consuming it too. I honestly buy everything and anything I can in bulk whether from Costco or from the local grocer's bulk bins. Packaging adds to your cost significantly.

In the fall, winter and spring I swear by my crock pot. It is a god send and I would be lost without it. I have also started using my rice cooker (it's equipped to do this) as a slow cooker while we are packing and preparing to move. This way I could pack up one appliance.

I feel like I have gotten completely off topic. Now I want to tell you about all the awesome things I do with my slow cooker...

Meal planning; it's not for everyone, but if you are trying to adjust a budget or make life easier on yourself I strongly suggest trying it. It is also a great method for keeping your self out of a culinary rut. Here is a sample of my list this month:

26 S Sweet potato Shepherds Pie
27 M Chicken Parm with Rice Pasta and Veggies
28 T Chennai Masala w/ Rice and Veggies
29 W Sausages w/ peppers & onions & Pasta
30 T Sweet & Sour Veggies & Rice
31 F Birthday Dinner

This is only a week and this list is short because I don't want to have too much in the house when we go to move in the next few weeks.

Now to finish unwinding and prepare for the week ahead. Another fun week of training is in store for me. I have found a very fitting and descriptive of my "teacher". Whereas most think in linear patterns my teacher thinks in more of a fireworks pattern. Nuggets and fragments of a process are all over the place. All, Over.

Hope you have had an enjoyable weekend and here's to the week ahead!