It still seems surreal that my mother in law is no longer with us. I mean, I knew it would happen soon but now that it has it just doesn't seem like it's possible. I have to really think about what day it is, or what day tomorrow is. It feels like forever since it happened, and then it feels like it was barely seconds ago since we heard the news. She passed away Monday morning.
I was expecting it to be hard.
My mother in law was more of a mother to me than I can ever explain. We spent so much amazing time together, and it pains me more than anything that my little monster will never know the wonderful woman that she was. One solemn thing I can vow is that she will hear all that we can possibly share with her about her grandmother. Every story, every recipe, every crochet pattern I will share with her and our future kid.
I try not to dwell too much on the end of her life because it just doesn't seem right that she went out that way. If you knew her at all, you knew she was a pistol. Of course now I am thinking of the movie Big Fish and the song by Yellowcard "How I Go." She was a thrice married, green peace loving, conservative liberal, quilting, crocheting, knitting, baking, smoking, coffee drinking, red meat eating, adopted a baby from Korea (sorry to let the cat out of the bag), bad ass mother fucker. One thing that stayed pretty true to the end - she wouldn't think twice about telling you what's what.
One of my favorite stories about mom was from when Green Day played the Auditorium in Salem years ago. She was working the event (as her and Collin had done numerous times) and was out back having a smoke. Hot damn if Billie Joe Armstrong didn't come out there and start chatting with her. She talked with him and then as he was going back in he thanked her for listening and talking to him like any other person. Well, the joke was on him - she had no freaking clue who he was. Kills me every time.
Last night as I was trying to process, but not process all of the emotional storms rolling inside me. I really needed to find a picture of her smiling. Any picture; just some proof to remind myself that she wasn't always the scared and confused, bed ridden woman that we would visit on the weekend for the last few months. I knew that such photos existed from our wedding, but having just moved who the hell knows where they may have ended up. I know where some physical photos are; in the garage stored away on the storage shelves above the garage door, but to get to those I risked waking Emma in the process should my clumsy ass drop anything. I have no idea where the digital copies wound up, I know I saw the disc when we were packing before the move, but who's to say what box it was in.
As some may have seen I vented this frustration to the world, and the sweet rescuing angel that is Collin's aunt responded. She messaged me that she would find what she could and send them to me. Her husband was the photographer at our wedding. Plus, she was her sister. She pulled through in the biggest way. The following photo is one of my absolute favorites because it is completely candid and genuine. She didn't even know she was being photographed whilst talking to the mother of one of my dear friends.
His aunt also sent me several other photos from much earlier in mom's life. I am hoping to have many of them printed and framed. I mean it when I say I want my kids to know about this spectacular woman.
This is a picture (again from our wedding day) of Collin, his mom and his sister.
Tomorrow we are getting together with his aunt and sister. We are both off on bereavement tomorrow, but I am going to slip into work in the wee hours for about an hour to get some critical things done. Things I can't do remotely. I imagine we will be discussing plans for a celebration of life. We had planned our house warming/the kid is one party for this weekend, but postponed it following the news of mom's departure from this plane of existence.
As we are all reminded when we or someone we know suffers the loss of a loved one:
Hold those who matter closest, and always let them know how much you love and care. Whether the end is expected or not, you never have enough time.
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