Forty Hours More Is Forty Too Much

This is it. After this weekend, I have five work days left with the person who I am replacing.

I can make it.

I can.

Right?

No, I know I can.

Hopefully this weekend will give me the refresh I need to survive this week without letting the rage build up.

That's the only way I can put it. Her attitude changes at the drop of a hat and when it's for the worst I kind of just want to walk away from her. She has totally checked out, and I get that, but quit the back and forth and teach me.

There was something that we had got involved with inadvertently and because of some unbeknownst reason she hates our supervisor so she didn't want to take care of it. When one of our associates was letting us know that she forwarded a follow up email to us I said, "Okay, I will take care of it." To which my trainer replied, "No, it's still my account, I'll take care of it." And she never did because she can't keep track of her emails if her life depended on it.

You know how sometimes you can feel negativity emanating from someone? Yea, I feel that way every time I am sitting next to her and I get caught up in a conversation with the other people in our department. I can just feel her seething that I am laughing and talking with other people. You know me, I have tried to be personable with her and joke, and treat her how I want to be treated. Sometimes it's all good and we are getting along great and then her meds wear off (I have no idea if she is medicated) and she becomes this snippity cranky biatch.

She finally admitted today that my brain works WAY faster than hers does. Which I thanked her for the compliment.

Then she proceeded to snap at me because I asked if we should take care of something and she said no we needed to do this other thing we had been working on. I said okay, and then not five minutes later she is like, "Oh, we need to take care of this other thing right right now," Mind you, this other thing was no more critical than what I had suggested we take care of. I had to remind her five times that I was leaving at lunch for the day and fuck me when I actually left. I felt the daggers flying out of her eyes.

The whole plan with the three weeks of training was that at the end of each week I would take one of the three "groups" she has. With me taking over each group there are records for contact info that needs to be updated in our system and with other departments. She keeps saying how I need to get these profiles updated. I swear to bob if she says it again I am going back to my desk to do it and be done with them.

Back to the transitioning of groups.

We didn't even make it through the group of ten, yes ten, accounts we needed to for this week. Why? Because she is so horribly out of touch with her email and behind on day to day work (and has been since well before I started training with her) she can't keep shit straight. She will spend more than a half an hour "freaking out" (I can think of no other way to describe it) about an email, from a week ago, THAT HAS HAD MULTIPLE SUCCEEDING EMAILS AFTER IT. Me, if it were me reading her emails, I would skim through, group shit by "SUBJECT" (rather than her method of who sent them...) and find the appropriate place to respond. She makes herself look like a fool when she is literally re-working stuff that our associates in other departments and plants have already handled and provided info on.

But heaven help my dumb ass if I suggest one fucking thing to help her do the job easier.

It's crap like this that gives me confidence I will be fine doing this.

So, back to the accounts for this week. In response to her stating that we needed to get through them this week at 12pm today I (again, stupid me trying to be helpful) commented that I was feeling pretty good about what we had covered and that there was only one we weren't able to really touch on. And fuck, the way she looked at me you'd think I suggested we go home and kill her dog. She then snapped at me that she wants to go over each one in detail because they are ALL SO DIFFERENT.....

The final group we have to go over in the next five business days consists of roughly twenty accounts.

We are never going to make it through that shit the way she is doing this. It's not humanly possible.

To "go over" an account what she is doing is taking any emails in her inbox for that customer and putting them in a special folder and then I get to watch her SLOWLY go through the emails one by one and watch her freak out because she isn't following the conversations properly. No joking here, I spent almost three hours, THREE HOURS Tuesday or Wednesday (I can't even remember the days anymore) sitting at her desk doing nothing because I HAD to watch as she went through these emails. And I learned right quick just to keep my mouth shut.

Monday I have my one on one with my supervisor. I was going to reschedule it for the next week when the biatch will finally be gone but realistically I will need the break from her. I will give her the light version of my debriefing and also talk to her about my other accounts that I was trying to maintain and retain during this transition but I feel that I have been neglectful to them. I have two orders and two credits pending on my desk and I just haven't been able to enter them. And lord knows what else is in the emails I couldn't look at today.

Five days. Five more days of work and then I will be off on my own floating in a sea of exciting new stuff. Rest assured, the person training me is not the only source of knowledge regarding the stuff I will be doing. In fact, she herself has only been managing the accounts since January... Yea, January of this year....

I must admit that all this madness associated with my promotion has completely got my mind off ticking the days down until we move... And then it hits me like a freight train that most likely we are moving in two weeks... To the day.... All that I have left to pack is the kitchen essentials and bathroom stuff. I will most likely be packing that up next weekend, except for the day to day stuff.

I hope you all had a fun and safe Halloween (or are still celebrating a fun and safe Halloween).

I Never Told You Everything

This reboot I have accomplished in the last couple weeks with my weight loss has really made me think about my entire history, weight-wise. The memories are sporadic from childhood, but the last ten years are pretty clear. So we will start with the hazy memories of yesteryear and a childhood long gone.

Those who read this and know me personally know that I have always been a "big girl," to put it into PC terms. The reality is that I have always been fat. I do have a larger frame and certain lower weights are unrealistic and ridiculous to even picture myself at. Like, I know I will NEVER weigh less than 120, honestly I don't think I would want to. But I am getting off track here.

My earliest memory of my weight as a child, beyond being bigger than all my friends and clothes never fitting just right, was gym class in third or fourth grade. It was the Presidential Fitness something or other that we had to do each year. I remember being measured for height; I was always taller than my peers, and then stepping on a scale. At eight or nine I weighed 149 pounds. One hundred and forty nine pounds. Now, keep in mind this was before childhood obesity was such a big concern. I was just the fat chick in class. I would carry this moniker with me throughout my school days.

Unlike many other fat kids, I was blessed with mostly great friends. And upon reflection my weight affected who I am in more ways than one... But that is a whole different can of worms, and this post is supposed to be about my weight history, not my psychological history.

From there we fast forward about five years. I know from the school I was in at this point during middle school that I was twelve or thirteen and we were again doing that damn Presidential whatever. I remember getting on the scale and finding I weighed 220 pounds. At that age I had no idea that I would long to be back down to this weight, but then it was completely heart breaking. Why? Why couldn't I have stopped there? What possessed me to continue to make such unhealthy decisions about my weight? I don't think I will ever know.

There is no one I can blame. I mean, there are tons of excuses and blame I could point at others (mainly my parents) but I don't think that is a healthy train to climb aboard.

Jump ahead another year or two. I found this information by perusing old journal entries from bygone days. I gained another seventy seven pounds. I was writing about teen angst and love and how lonely I was and blah blah blah. I noted that at 297 pounds I would "never have any one like me or want to go out." Wah, wah, wah. I really don't pity my younger self, so please, don't you pity her either.

So, half my life ago I weighed more than I do right now.

Jump ahead to senior year, a month shy of 18 and getting ready to take on the world (also homeless and almost done with school and working). I step on the scale at my grandma's and find myself weighing a terrifying 350+ pounds. What the fuck? Seriously. What the fucking shit hell did I do to allow myself to get there? But wait, this wasn't "it".

Fifteen months later, I was dating Collin and finally took myself in for a check-up. Stepped on the scale, and hot damn! I was down to 296 pounds. Woohoo! Go me! And then my ass was unemployed, laying around, eating all sorts of crap and unhealthy food.

The next three years were a constant gain I don't even know when I hit certain points. All I know is that I was not very nice to my body and eating everything I shouldn't in mass quantities. I went in for a check up and was disgustingly shocked and broken to find myself weighing 432 pounds.

FOUR

HUNDRED

THIRTY

TWO

POUNDS

Think about that for a while.

Fucking inexcusably horrifically wretched. No fucking wonder my clothes didn't fit! And that I had to keep buying bigger sizes! I mean what a shock there....

What the hell.

This was my wake up call. That cosmic moment when I got my proverbial slap to the face and shake of the shoulders. I was killing myself faster than I could order a bacon double cheeseburger, fries, and a shake.

I needed to build myself back up and get control of myself.

It has been a long and hard process but pound by pound I have transformed myself. I did not use any sort of pill, or whackadoodle diet. I focused on the common sense things. I reduced my portion sizes, and cut out all the crappy junk food. Bye-bye fast food, soda, and other unhealthy shit.

From there I started to focus on becoming increasingly more active. I began to walk and bike and workout. It was not overnight, and the weight loss was not without its struggles. It took a good four years before I really started to see a change. I dropped fifty pounds very, very slowly over that period. I felt the difference but knew it was a drop in the bucket.

Once we moved from Salem we joined a walking/running group. We started building up our mileage and eventually began to run and walk instead of just walk. Pounds began to fall off me, but I still had my struggles and hit plateaus like anyone else with a long road of weight loss ahead of them.

Let's recap; by 2011 I had slowly dropped down to 376. By early 2013 I was down to 280, and then shortly thereafter found myself pregnant. I was completely okayed by my doctor to continue my weight loss through the pregnancy as long as the baby grew normally. Unfortunately, I then broke my foot. During my pregnancy I did gain about twenty five pounds, but that vanished with my daughter's birth.

For the majority of 2014 I have struggled to maintain my pre-pregnancy weight. It has not been easy, but I was able to stay within a few pounds of that 280 mark.

Knowing that I want to hit my goal weight before we try for baby #2 and knowing we want to have baby #2 in a couple years I know that I have about a year to get there. My goal weight is to get down to 190, maybe 180, but 190 is the magic number for me, and then hopefully a year or two post baby#2 I can have all of the excess skin removed from my body. Realistically this could equate to another thirty to forty pounds that will come off. Think about it; I weighed 432 and will have lost roughly 240-250 pounds by the time I get to my goal range. There was a lot of skin used to cover all that flesh and considering it was stretched for so long there is no way to expect it to shrink down to my new smaller body.

On a side note, this was the thing that always threw me off on the Biggest Loser. How the fuck did all the contestants' excess skin just vanish??? Think about that. We are talking about people who also lost hundreds of pounds of weight. I know, some of them you can see the extra skin here and there, but some of them... Yea... Chew on that for a bit.

I am confident that I am back on track now, and I know with the support I have given myself and the support of my husband I can make it to my goal. With the reboot juicing we did over the last two weeks I dropped another fifteen pounds of bloat and fat and now find myself hovering around 265... I have not been this small since I was about fourteen. Kind of crazy, right? More like full on insane to think about. I am also within 75 pounds of my goal. If I can keep myself focused an stay on track losing 1.5-2 pounds per week over the next year I will be at my goal weight by Halloween 2015.

It's so close now I can see it. I can actually visualize myself being down in the range I am shooting for. And if I get below it, great! Excellent! Amazing!

There it is. All of it. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. Now that it's out there I will try to commit to monthly status updates over the next year on here as I literally "work" my ass off. This will be another method for keeping myself accountable.

Last, but never possibly least; I want to thank anyone and everyone who has helped me in this journey. Be it words of encouragement, or just sharing how I was able to inspire or help you in your own journey. It all means so much to me!

One last nugget before I shuffle off to bed (Collin gets so tired of hearing this):

Tip of the day, before you snack ask yourself if you have had enough water today. If you even hesitate for a moment, drink a glass and wait a few minutes before you snack.

Good night!

A Torch Should Take Care of It

Yesterday, like so many times before, Collin and I had one of our epic conversations about long standing sayings. The phrase of choice this time?

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

Before I dive into our conversation let's go over the background of this saying. This saying mostly originated based on an uncouth behavior of old; inspecting the oral health of a horse given to you as a gift. This saying also eventually rolled into gifts in general; don't question a gift or handout too closely. The phrase is also closely linked to the myth about a certain wooden horse left outside the gates of Troy. It is this aspect of the history that our discussion flowered from.

If the story of Troy taught us anything it is that you should, with out a doubt, look a gift horse in the mouth. Heck, you should probably also palpate the abdomen. If it is a large wooden horse it may be suggested to put it to the torch and be done with it. Troy's demise goes completely against the entire thought of this statement's existence. It contradicts the very phrase given the outcome of their acceptance of this gift. We kind of went on about this for a bit.

The tiny human has a new favorite snack. Peas. She loves them. All I have to do is put some in a container with a little water, microwave them for about thirty seconds, and then let them cool. I typically give them to her at dinner time while we are eating so they cool off while I finish making dinner. She snacks on them like they are the best damn finger food in the world.

Her food world has quickly expanded. They are letting her try everything under the sun at daycare (within reason). More and more we have been letting her try whatever we are eating. Crazy to think that a week from now she will be eleven months old. How the hell has that happened so fast.

Now, the outcome of our juicing experiment. We feel it was a success in more ways than one. It allowed both of us to sort of reset our food intake. We are both refocused on keeping portion sizes down, and we are so much more aware of what we eat. We had been doing so good for so long, and then lost sight of that. We began eating lunch again this past weekend, but instead of snacks we plan to continue having juice. Our lunches are seriously half of what they used to be and we are not snacking at all anymore. I have also been supplementing my appetite with green tea and honey; which has a bajillion health benefits of its own. Beyond feeling amazing and having more energy, the biggest marker that this was a successful experiment is that I dropped fifteen pounds of god knows what in the last two weeks. All my clothes are baggy (except for two newer tops I bought in the last month). This is exactly the kick start and motivation boost I needed to get back on track, and thank goodness I was able to before the holidays get here.

I definitely intend to do this a few times a year, or anytime I feel I need to get refocused.

It's both crazy and amazing to think that I weigh less than I did when I was roughly 13-14. I have journals from my teen years, as sporadic as the entries may have been (kind of like how this blog used to be) I have found a couple referencing my weight and how unhappy I was. It will really blow my mind when I get below my 7th grade weight. I don't know that I will ever get down to my weight at eight or nine, but we'll see. Lord only knows once my excess skin is removed (this will be in a few years after baby number two).

It would probably help for me to give you the whole picture, but not tonight. Maybe in my next post. There was something else I wanted to share with you all first.

Upon reflection the following may be too much info, so read at your own risk. If you are female it may be useful to you. If you are a dude, it might be good for you to know to help out your lady friends (talk about a point scorer with this tip).

Last month, this page that I follow on FB called Belly to Baby shared some amazing information and I want to share that information with all of you. I have tried this and wholeheartedly endorse it. That said, just to be safe, please note that I am not a doctor nor am I a medical professional. I have no idea if any of these statements have been proven true by the FDA or any other governing body. Phew, hate that kind of legal stuff. Before I say anything further, I strongly suggest you do your own research, and if you are pregnant or could be pregnant (I am most certainly not) talk to your doctor or midwife before you try this.

Anyways, Belly to Baby (who I believe is a doula; again if you don't know what a doula is look it up) shared that they were having a rough and painful cycle that month. I can't remember 100% but I believe she had this remedy on hand from her last pregnancy. She shared how the remedy helped her with her cramping and made other aspects a little easier as well. What is this magical thing, you ask?

Raspberry leaf tea.

I have tried it, and I can attest that it is an amazing natural remedy for painful cycles. I started drinking two cups a day (one morning and one night) the first day of my cycle, and was blessed to not have a single cramp. This amazed me. My cycle is NEVER not painful. After having birthed a child I can honestly say that my menstrual cramps rival some of the contractions I had during labor. These only last a day or two, but they are horrible and make me a miserable bitch. Having the raspberry leaf tea on hand for this month was a lifesaver. If you have any discomfort during your cycle try this. Seriously. Two cups a day through your cycle starting day one.

Raspberry leaf tea is also recommended in the last couple weeks of pregnancy (I believe, but need to do further research on when in the pregnancy it is safe to consume) as it helps with the contractions (I can see why) and the postpartum bleeding. As mentioned above, not a doctor, talk to yours before you try this if pregnant, or at least talk to someone more knowledgeable than me. I plan to try it at the end of my next pregnancy (so about two years from now).

The training has been good so far this week, and the more I learn the more confident I am that this will be fairly natural to me as I take over the accounts. I don't want to get too cocky about it, but at the same time the more I learn the less intimidating the new position is.

Next post, my weight history, and who knows what else might surface from the depths of my jumbled mind.

The Film Went Straight To Tape

I'm sitting here relishing in the last dredges of a wonderful and productive weekend. Sipping a mug of tea and watching Breaking Bad. My phone is ringing and it's my mother.

She's going on about how she hasn't been home in a month because her apartment is infested with bed bugs...  Note to self do not let her give us anything for a very long time.

Just so we have a clear understanding; my relationship with my mother is tenuous at best. Don't get me wrong, I love her; shit, she's my mom. I just can't tolerate being around her more than three to four times a year and for small chunks of time even then. It pains me to know that 90% of the time, when she does initiate contact it is because she wants something; more often than not she is looking for money.

There are a couple people in my life that make me cringe when my phone rings. I am lucky in that I have more people that I do enjoy getting calls from.

Finally, after promising and promising, I am going to share with you my strategy for meal planning.

Let me start off by saying I have been doing this for years. Once Collin and I were living in our own place and both working I began meal planning. Heck, I think I may have even started doing it when we still lived with his parents. Really, who wants to come home from working all day and have to think of what can be thrown together for dinner?

Most people know that having to think something up every flipping night leads to more eating out, and eating unwisely. You are also then more likely to need to buy lunch the next day and the money spent by doing this adds up so quickly.

Meal planning allows you to more easily stay on a healthy eating plan (I loathe the word diet), and saves you a nice chunk of money. Here's how I've done it.

Every four to six weeks (depending on the length of the last plan) Collin and I brainstorm a bunch of dinners we want or have been craving. The best time to do this is before you eat; it's like the reverse of why you shouldn't go shopping when you are hungry. I plan the meals based on the season; so you won't see me making a casserole or roast during the summer, and neither will you find a week of cold salads in the winter.

After we've come up with a decent list of ideas I start plugging them into a notebook after marking out the days of the week (M, T, W, T, F, S & S) and number the days to match the dates of those days. Every meal I plan I keep in mind the day of the week and also any pre-existing appointments.

I know that every Wednesday I want something quick and/or slow cooked (ready when we get home) because Collin hangs out with his best mate in the evening and I want to make sure he has dinner before he goes.

Fridays and Saturdays I tend to leave open for fun meals, or things we want to try. You may be wondering why we do this, and  I will happily explain. As I mentioned, buying lunch every day adds up fast as sin. Every night's dinner becomes lunch the next day. I have become more lax about some meals and their portability; i.e. last night's tacos can be today's taco salads at work. But things like burgers and fish don't carry over as well. I refuse to microwave fish at work.

I think you get the gist of it. After the list is written with all the meals plugged in I write our "big grocery shopping" list. We are active Costco members and (for now) have a nice little chest freezer in our garage. We buy all our meat, bread (if any, we don't eat bread often), frozen veg and pantry goods once a month. Weekly grocery shopping only consists of easily perishables like milk, eggs, fresh produce, etc. I have not yet tried freezing milk, but I have heard it is very doable. Maybe when we have a bigger freezer and the wee one is consuming it too. I honestly buy everything and anything I can in bulk whether from Costco or from the local grocer's bulk bins. Packaging adds to your cost significantly.

In the fall, winter and spring I swear by my crock pot. It is a god send and I would be lost without it. I have also started using my rice cooker (it's equipped to do this) as a slow cooker while we are packing and preparing to move. This way I could pack up one appliance.

I feel like I have gotten completely off topic. Now I want to tell you about all the awesome things I do with my slow cooker...

Meal planning; it's not for everyone, but if you are trying to adjust a budget or make life easier on yourself I strongly suggest trying it. It is also a great method for keeping your self out of a culinary rut. Here is a sample of my list this month:

26 S Sweet potato Shepherds Pie
27 M Chicken Parm with Rice Pasta and Veggies
28 T Chennai Masala w/ Rice and Veggies
29 W Sausages w/ peppers & onions & Pasta
30 T Sweet & Sour Veggies & Rice
31 F Birthday Dinner

This is only a week and this list is short because I don't want to have too much in the house when we go to move in the next few weeks.

Now to finish unwinding and prepare for the week ahead. Another fun week of training is in store for me. I have found a very fitting and descriptive of my "teacher". Whereas most think in linear patterns my teacher thinks in more of a fireworks pattern. Nuggets and fragments of a process are all over the place. All, Over.

Hope you have had an enjoyable weekend and here's to the week ahead!

I Feel The Flood Creeping Up Behind Me

This will most likely be a short post, but you know me, sometimes I lie about that.

I posted this on my blog page on FB:

Now for the story. During the past week and a half that we have been juicing during work hours (essentially that's what it boils down to) for our half hour lunch we have been walking instead. I mean, come on, what the hell else are we supposed to do for a half hour, at work, while not eating? Sleep? Stare into each others' eyes? Go into the "Cuddle Room" and do highly inappropriate things?(Cuddle Room == lockable room with no windows for nursing moms to pump; yea my company is cool like that) No, instead we are smart and use that time for walking. This doubled the time we had before for walking at lunch. We usually got in about a fifteen minute walk before we were juicing. We have agreed that next week when we resume eating lunch (a much lighter one at that) we are just going to eat at our respective cubes because we enjoy the longer walk. This gets us up to an hour of walking during the work day; two fifteen minute breaks plus the half hour lunch.

But back to today's events that led to the above picture. When we left the building today, we noticed some dark clouds to the west but misjudged their potential. (I'm sure you are starting to see where this is going) As we approached our turn around point, so the farthest physical point we could be from our building (almost a mile away) a few drops started to fall upon us. No biggie, we have our umbrellas and our rain jackets. Well mine is more of a water repellent wind breaker, but now I am splitting hairs.

Before we were even a hundred feet back towards work from the turn around point, the clouds overhead burst at the seams and a torrent of huge raindrops began to pound us and our surroundings. Now from Mythbusters we know running in the rain will make you more wet than just walking. We had umbrellas, we should be fine... Right? Maybe even manage to walk ourselves out from under the rainclouds...

No, WRONG!!! Way wrong. We'd only got about a quarter of the way back and both of us were soaked up to our knees and water cascading down our jackets began to make the top half of our legs wet as well. By the halfway point our feet were soaked, even without trudging through any outright puddles. The entire world around us a puddle. The street was flooding and we were terrified that some ass hat would drive by through the gutter further soaking our cold and wet bodies. Luckily that never happened.

Two thirds of the way my sleeves were soaked through on my jacket, and I swear my shoes were full of water. By three quarters of the way we were both drenched up to our hips, and our umbrellas were barely keeping our heads dry (some water was seeping through; storm rated my ass...). At this point we didn't care if we were walking in puddles, and as we approached the building we cut across the lawn like two survivors fleeing a zombie horde for shelter. And then, for funzies, my badge wouldn't release the door to get in. Collin's did.

Once finally inside a dry building, we agreed that we could not remain at work, soaked to the bone, for another three hours. I went upstairs, and was happy to see my boss talking with the leads as they all looked outside. I trudged to my cube leaving a trail of water behind me. She immediately saw how rained on I had got and agreed it would be best for me to go home. I let my "teacher" know that I was gone for the day, but will be spending all day tomorrow with her. As soon as my boss got upstairs and had seen me missing she asked if I was outside in the downpour, and one of the leads (whom I had passed as I exited the building for my normal walk) had told her it was about that time, so I most likely was.

So Collin and I, looking like two soaking wet puppies, made our way out the front of the building to the now partially flooded parking lot where Jude was. We passed a co-worker in the hall who said we'd need hip-waders to get to our car (come to find out he was parked next to us) and I responded that we were already wet from the hip down so it made no matter. We splished and splashed through ankle deep puddles (what the fuck did it matter at this point) and climbed into the dry safety of our car. I drove us to pick up some hot coffee (Pumpkin Pie Breves from Dutch Bros. Yum!), and then home we went to change into some warm dry clothes. Collin then proceeded to work the next two hours from home.

Being that this is Oregon, by the time we got to the west side, and over the West Hills it was flipping partially sunny.... Sigh.

Oh well. I was able to sit down and really analyze our budget for the next two months, and I must say I was really pleased and content with what I saw. Which, as any person who manages their budget with goals in mind can agree with, is one of the most rewarding feelings in adulthood.

Now to go get the tiny monster from daycare and maybe go to Kohls to find the kid some socks. Poor girl is so much like me. Big feet. She is just shy of eleven months and we have to buy her 18-24 month to 2T sized socks.... She is most certainly going to be a tall girl.

Until next time, I shall leave you with a quote a good friend pinned on Pinterest (and then so did I):
"Courage does not always roar; sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying: I will try again tomorrow."

You Screamed The Bridge and I Cried The Verse

Ugh, what a day. A negative day, but as always I had the sweetest moments at the beginning and the end of the day when I was with my adorable, tiny minion. Those precious moments of my day make up for any negative thing.

To keep the negativity of this post to a bare minimum I'll give you the very much abridged version. As mentioned in the prior post, I got a promotion. With this promotion I am taking over the accounts of a partner who is moving into a new department. Said partner is supposed to be training me over the next three weeks, well two and a half now. For the past three days I have been biting my tongue and going with the up and downs that are this person's moods, and attitudes. I sat quietly listening as she told me how sorry she is for me, and how sorry she is for her customers. Considering the fact I had to notify some of my favorite customers this morning I would no longer be managing their accounts, and was met with several sad and heartfelt emails of gratitude I was kind of touchy about this as the day wore on.

I am the type of person who becomes very attached to their job; not in the sense of working 56+ hours a week or anything, but I tend to build great relationships with my customers. So hearing the negativity repeatedly as the afternoon wore on got under my skin. Those who know me personally know I am a non-confrontational person, but lessons of the past have taught me not to be a doormat. We hit a point where she was telling me one group of accounts she thought she could just dump on me now, I told her I still had questions, but would be fine taking on this particular chunk after we go over my questions. She proceeded to get indignant and rude about the fact I wanted to know more. And began rambling about how no one listens to her and she feels bad for her customers and on and on and on.

There were fifteen minutes left and I was at my limit for her attitude. I pretty much said I was done and that this was not helping to train me. I went off about how I was tired of her saying she was sorry for me, and that I was sick of her saying she was sorry for the customers. I said I have handled more than this, and if she needs references I can forward her all the emails from my customers. I told her I was done with her for the day, and I would talk to her tomorrow. I wished her a nice relaxing evening to adjust her attitude and we would get back into it in the morning. I grabbed my stuff and went back to my desk with her dogging my heels the whole way. Saying that's not what she meant and how sorry she was. I said that's fine, I'm done. I kept my tone even, but I could feel my face was flushed; I am no good at hiding my feelings when I am upset. My hands were shaking. I IM'd Collin that I was going to the restroom then headed his way. When I got back from the restroom and was gathering my things, my "teacher" came back to my desk and apologized again, on the verge of tears. I told her I forgave her but I won't put up with that anymore. I am excited about this new challenge and she is ruining it with her constant negativity. She apologize again and went home. The department leads were all there and heard at least parts of the ENTIRE exchange. They asked if I was okay. I told them yes, I had just hit my limit of her attitude for the day.

I have no doubts in my ability or capability, and I know the leads and my boss have no doubts or they wouldn't have asked me to do this. To make sure I am confident in having the training I need I will be making a list after I am done with this post.

Well, shit. That went on longer than I meant to and it was still not all of the nitty gritty. Oh, well on to the good stuff.

Wee one now has six teeth poking through, and is totally lopsided. She has the two front and center on top and bottom, and in the last couple days the next top and bottom on the right have come through, so now we are waiting on the left side. I love this little weirdo.

This past weekend was wonderful, even with the bittersweet tinge of mom's (in law) declining health, and the fact that monster baby didn't want to sleep.

Saturday, Collin had a dentist appointment in the morning that went on longer than expected, but the timing worked out kind of perfectly. We headed to the facility that mom is in and met with Collin's aunt, sister, and cousin (plus sis' boyfriend and someone who might as well just be a cousin). We discussed the details of the final arrangements, plans to try and track down mom's good for nothing husband, and so on. Collin and I did get to go and visit her for a few moments, leaving the tiny one with his aunt whom adores her to pieces. Mom was talkative but it was difficult for her to speak. She kept telling us about things that happened long ago, or not at all. Lucidity was not in attendance for our visit. After we were done the whole group went for pho at this little place on Powell. It was great and I let my demon spawn try some of the broth from my pho. (soup is like juice... still juicing and all)

From here we went out to my family's "Thanksgiving" dinner, and I got to reconnect with some of my family from my dad's side that I hadn't seen in years, and in some cases decades (a couple I had the good fortune of seeing last year at my shower). Everyone adored the monster and her speedy crawling skills. We had a great dinner, and plan to make sure we are in more regular attendance of similar events. It was very uplifting to get to see everyone and it helped finish our Saturday on a very positive note. We drove home and immediately went to bed.

Sunday morning was a lazy time where we slept as much as the teething beast would allow, and then had a pajama morning with pancakes and playtime. Then as afternoon rolled around we headed to Collin's aunt's house for a trial run of leaving the heathen with her Auntie while we ran some errands. She has agreed to watch the little one on moving day (should it ever get here), and we wanted to make sure it would go smoothly. And it did, no crying, screaming or whimpering. She got to help her Auntie feed the birds and squirrels and crawl all over the place. We went to a couple stores and got coffee before going back to visit for a bit after an hour. I was happy to hear how well she handled it, and this also gave me hope that the transition to the new daycare will go smoothly. We had a great visit with his aunt talking about what's happening at work, and the house, and such. It was a great day.

I'm not going to lie though, it was weird being out on the weekend without my tiny minion.

There was something else... What was it.... Oh, yes! It was the moment this afternoon that made me forget all about the crumminess of the end of my work day.

When we get there to pick up the tiny human and we always say hi to our friends' little one if she is in the same room. Today, at first ours didn't notice we were there because she was playing. I say hi to our friends' daughter who then turns around to get our little monster's attention and went to touch her face (she had noticed by now). The teacher tells her to be gentle, because most times when one baby goes at another baby like that it's to attack (makes them sound vicious right? They are...), and apparently that was too much for her. She got the pouty face going on and started to cry. The teacher scooped her up right after I picked mine up, and we are both trying to comfort her and let her know she wasn't in trouble. Then my little angel leans in and tries to give the other little girl a hug. Totally melted my heart and made my mind push the work crap to the deep reaches (for at least until after she went to bed). The two of them are so nice to each other; another point that makes me sad for moving her to a new daycare, but 30 miles one way is excessive to take her to daycare.

Okay, now I am going to finish an episode of the Vampire Diaries on Netflix (don't judge) and continue to unwind/type the list.

Have a wonderful night full of sweet dreams!

I'm Too Awake For This To Be A Nightmare

I will close this with a personal positive note, but first a little bit of reality.

I believe I mentioned in the last post that we had received some sad and unfortunate news regarding the health of Collin's mom. The hospice nurses feel that she is entering the transition stage; this is where things begin to slowly shut down. This was passed on to us Friday morning with the her life expectancy being a few days. What is a few days? I mean, I consider ALL that her poor body has somehow survived, and think that it can't just be such a finite number of days. It's now Tuesday and we have heard nothing new. This is one of the few times where no news is good news.

I love my mother in law. In many ways she has been more of a mom to me than my own. I will always remember the time her and I spent together as I learned to crochet and we watched this reality show on OPB about being pioneers... I wish I could remember the title.

When the time does come, be it days, weeks, or months (completely unrealistic), the arrangements are mostly in place thanks to the work of her steadfast sister/Collin's amazing aunt.

For now we wait. Every text message and phone call is terrifying. We knew this day would come, but at the same time we find ourselves denying it's inevitability. My thoughts feel incoherent, and I don't see them getting better when the fateful day arrives.

Upon hearing the news, my husband found himself writing out all of his thoughts, The range of emotions he went through. Sunday, he let me read what he had written and I asked if I could share this with you. There are depths to this man that never cease to amaze me. The following is completely raw, unadulterated emotions as felt by my husband upon finding out about the state of his mother's health:

It is remarkable how leading up to a life changing event you look at it from a distance and think to yourself, “This won’t affect me, or if it does it won’t change me,” but when you get to that point it hits you like a train.  It knocks the wind out of you and leaves you feeling paralyzed in that moment.  Your thoughts spin like an out of control merry-go-round.  Your stomach knots up.  The adrenaline pumps through your system.  Emotions wash over you like tsunami.  Focus is not a skill you possess in this moment. 

 

When my mother was no longer capable of caring for herself, and my father was unable to care for her we had to prepare for the fact that eventually she was going to pass.  She lived with my sister for a while, and her and my aunt took turns caring for my mother.  I wanted to be able to help, but I lived in a town house.  It was such a dangerous environment in such a brittle state.  I felt bad about that, and it eventually created a rift between me and my family.  I lost touch with them for a while.

Eventually my mother was placed in a care home.  They took reasonable care of her, and did what they could to keep her occupied.  My father visited at least once a week, then once every other week.  Eventually this trickled to he never showed up again.  My aunt and sister made the effort to visit her.  I had a new baby, and a very busy work schedule.  It was difficult enough with that, and taking groceries to my father-in-law once a month; I didn’t get to visit her, there just wasn’t any spare time.

Hospice got involved once the care facility was no longer able to keep her weight up, or get her to eat enough.  This is usually a sign in people with dementia, or even Alzheimer’s, that their getting closer to passing.  My mother was moved to a different care facility that specialized in hospice care. 

For those that don’t know what it is, hospice it a place for people that are terminal.  They can live their days out there comfortably and be taken care of.  It may not be the most glorious of locations, but it gives you a place to be where people are there to keep you comfortable.

She’s been there for a couple of months now, and I have been making sure to visit her every week (except when I was sick).  Her weight continued to drop (this is expected).  My sister received a message from the hospice nurse that our mother was getting worse.  I tried to tell myself to prepare for it, but there isn’t a way to prepare for it.  My sister went to speak with hospice and see our mother the next day.

I see a text on my phone.  

I open it and read, “Mom is in transition phase and probably only has a few days left.”  

Did you hear it; the train?  

I didn’t either.  It hit so hard.  I didn’t know what to say or how to react.  Suddenly the room was quiet, time had stopped, and nothing made sense.  I felt tingly; I had goose bumps.  My mouth was suddenly so dry; yet I felt like I was drowning.  I couldn’t breathe, my thoughts spun around in my head.  I wanted to yell, and cry.  I didn’t want this to happen, not now, not ever!  Why is this happening now?  This isn’t fair!  I didn’t have time to prepare!  

I message my wife, “Mom is in transition and probably only has a few days left.”  I look around and everyone is acting like nothing is happening.  I can’t move or figure out what to do.  Then my wife appears at my desk side and hugs me.  This feels good, but it doesn’t change it.  The moment I leave her arms the pain rushes back in.  I’m drowning again.  I want to run away from this place.  Go somewhere; somewhere safe.  Somewhere where this isn’t happening; it isn’t true.  

Then I realize, it is happening; it is true.  I can’t change this, and I can’t run away from it.  This is the thing I told myself was not going to affect me or change me.  

I was wrong; it already has, and it will.  This is the passing of the woman that gave birth to me, and raised me.  The woman I called mother, mom, and mommy.  You can’t lose this person and not be affected by it.  It will change you because this person played an integral role in your life; whether positive or otherwise.  

Re-reading this again has me tearing up. There is not enough positive news to just brush all this feeling aside. 

I'll try anyways. That's what we do in these situations, isn't it? We try to keep moving forward. We try to look for the positive and uplifting things when and where ever we can.

I am on week two of this light juicing experiment, and as promised I braved the terrifying monster that is the scale Saturday morning. From Monday morning to Saturday morning I dropped over nine pounds of bloat and god knows what else. This has definitely been a great method for getting me back on track, and that kind of drop in weight is a great motivator to keep me moving forward. It's that little bit of proof that I can keep going.

And in the world that is my professional life (I still fantasize that this will be my professional life some day; anyways...) in the six short months I have been there I have managed to work my self to the next level of the hierarchy in my department, and I have garnered myself a nice little promotion! I am happy and excited that I will be moving into an area that will keep me challenged. I'll keep you posted on how things progress there too. 

And that's it. That's all I have for you tonight. I'm still not sure how it is already Tuesday, but I know it is because I watched the Walking Dead last night (I watch the day after).

Always say I love you, and never skip a chance to hug a loved one. Hopefully the next post I will be in a mindset to share the events of this past weekend, including monster baby's teething.

Good night!

Yoga Sleeper

Alright, let's see if I can bang this out before the wee monster decides to "wake up" again. She's been in bed since around 6:30 (normal-ish bed time) but for whatever reason was making angry sounds within thirty minutes. We typically let her go a couple minutes before intervening unless she is truly pissed. More often than not she is back to sleep in 120 seconds. I suppose I should mention Collin is over at a friend's this evening.

Tonight, not the case. So at about 7:10 I poked my head in and she whimpered at me so I sat and rocked her for a few minutes. I know, spoiling, blah blah blah, don't care. This treatment happens once or twice a month. Otherwise she is a phenomenal sleeper. Put her back down at 7:15, come down stairs, poke around on LinkedIn, and log in here to begin my brain draining. Not even the first letter typed and we have rage baby screaming going on. I know a big part of this is the position she INSISTS on sleeping in. She rolls onto her tummy and curls up; coincidentally the position she sleeps in equates to child's pose in yoga. Picture two is when she is hugging Reginald, her stuffed giraffe.

Seriously, even with the arms tucked backwards. Regardless how many times we put her on her back this is how she ends up, and what sets her off is, as witnessed tonight, she scoots her little head RIGHT up to the slats of the crib sides. If she moves (which this kid TRAVELS in her sleep) she bonks her head, or face on the slats. Can't use bumpers because they aren't safe; she could smother her adorable self.

So, back to the rage baby, episode two. I wait a couple minutes. She's still screaming, okay, not really screaming. She'd break windows if she was screaming. Makes me think of the little girl from the first X-men movie... Again, off topic. So she's pissed, I trudge BACK upstairs, scoop the little demon into my arms and say, "Okay, we're going to try snuggling on the couch, old school style." (like we used to when she was all of seven pounds and twenty inches long) I get My Little Pony: Equestria Girls going because Californication is just not appropriate for her, even asleep, and we do some serious bonding style tummy time snuggling on the couch. She eventually falls into a deep sleep about ten minutes later, and then about five minutes after that begins to attempt "traveling" around me like she is in her crib. Now, keep in mind my daughter is in the 100% for height, and 89-90% for weight for her age. She's about 31-32" tall now, and weighs 22-23 pounds. She's long, lean, and insanely strong. I finally wrestle her back into a semi comfortable position; i.e. not choking me, or trying to make my entire right arm fall asleep from her pinching the nerve in my shoulder.

After a couple more minutes of couch wrestling fun, she's semi awake again, and I am ready for her to want her crib. I decide okay, you're up, let's change your diaper. She was great, laid there all calm, let me change it AND put her pants back on. This is a feat these days because the monster would rather roll over and bolt no matter what stage of the diaper change you are in. Afterwards, I gave her the chance to get up and crawl around, play, whatever so that she would really be ready to sleep. She rolled over, sat leaning on me for a minute, and then crawled a few feet off and got into child's pose. She just laid there looking at the lamp I had on in the living room.

I finally said, "Alright, let's get you back to bed." To which she sat up and held her arms up to me like,  "It's about time... Sheesh...." I scoop her back into my arms for another trip upstairs. I hug her and give her a million kisses. Maybe more like ten to fifteen; I like to exaggerate. Plus if I could, I would give her a million kisses before bed everyday. Then gently, I placed her in her crib, gave her Reggie (the giraffe), and her blanky. Thankfully, this time she rolled only to her side while snuggling her best friend (which is fine to say this for now since she is all of ten and a half months old) and holding her blanket.

I like to think that Reggie is like her Hobbs. It warms my heart when I hear her "talking" to him at night when she wakes up, or when we put her back down after a random 3am feeding. I say random, because normally she sleeps the whole night through.

Now that I have babbled mercilessly about my sickeningly adorable child. See figure three.

I will tell you what's in my slow cooker. Not my actual crock pot, but my rice/slow cooker. My actual crock pot is packed... Along with most else... Anyways, I am making overnight slow cooked Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal. I will give a full report in an upcoming post and the recipe (thank you, Pinterest). I have no doubt that as the cooking smells permeate my house I will begin to dream of Thanksgiving. Which isn't too bad because tomorrow we are celebrating an early Thanksgiving with some of my dad's side of the family. It will be the first time they get to meet the wee one. I'm excited.

Unfortunately, my excitement is mildly tainted with the news that Collin's mom isn't doing well, which is a contributing factor to why I am focused on the precious moments with my baby girl. My mother in law has been on a sad and slow decline for a while now, but it is still a blow to hear that she is doing worse. Before the get together with my family, we will be getting together with his to visit his mom. There are so many factors that make this a sad and frustrating situation, but there are other people's feelings I need to consider before blabbing about all of my thoughts. I'm sure there will be more shared on this topic in the coming posts, but for now I just ask you send any positive energy you have to my husband, his sister, his aunt, and his mom.

And, because this year has been sooo boring (baby, new jobs for both me and the hubby, in the process of buying our first home...) I agreed to take the next step in my career with my company. In the coming weeks I will be training to become an Export Customer Service Rep, and saying good-bye to all of my amazing North American distributors. It's an amazing and exciting new learning experience for me. I have some experience dealing with international sales, but with this position I will be focused on some of the company's "far East" OEMs (Original Equipment Manufacturer). I have no doubt it will be a big change, but as my boss said, it will help round out my experience and help me work towards becoming a lead, should I so choose to stay with this career path.

As we all know, I'd much rather be writing, but I have some pretty strong job security while I complete my education. And my boss is fully aware that my career goals lie elsewhere. Who am I to turn down a promotion or experience though?

What a week it's been. In case there is nothing from my brain until next week; have a wonderful weekend!

Other Things

Okay, I said I would share about the whole meal planning thing, and I know you all are just on the edge of your seats in anticipation for that topic but bigger thoughts are filling my mind at the moment. Those thoughts are what I will be sharing in this post. I want to make sure I am feeling the fiery passion when I write my posts, and I do plan to share my tips and such with you.

Bear in mind as your read this that my darling daughter thought she was a cuckoo clock last night and was talking/screaming/laughing in her sleep last night. Every hour. Almost dead on the hour. Made for a rough night of sleep.

I have always been strongly opposed to sharing political or religious views on Facebook. It is not a good platform for that kind of crap. Rarely do I even spout off about current events. You are aware of them if you watch the news, or hell, even if you only get on Facebook. The hot button issues are all right there.

That said, yesterday I broke my normal stance and shared a story from the local news about a boy being isolated and detained due to the potential for Ebola as he had recently traveled to Western Africa. I have since deleted the post but it went something like this:
"The fear is now closer to home. Maybe, just maybe the federal government will step in and do something. [something about fear mongering] and [something else]"

This set off a huge, I guess you would call it argument with my frazzled, post grad student, brother. And well, I can only swipe so fast and say so much from a cell phone. I called it done, and deleted the post. Then I took a moment to message him, tell him I love him, and break down my intent. I also reminded him that I am not a foil hat wearing conspiracy theorist.

Now, I shall break my thoughts down for you all as well (essentially pulling from the message I sent him):

By the fear,  I am not speaking of my fear.  I am talking in terms of the fear being a much more dangerous epidemic in this nation than ebola will ever be.  Fear causes people to do stupid, irrational things.  Now, between the story I had shared and the one about the person in Salem I can guarantee there are idiots stockpiling crap like Y2K and 9/11 enthusiasts.

As for the government's involvement,  I do feel that the regulatory bodies governing the medical world should be more involved in affected hospitals.  And in general they should mandate better practices in preventing the spread of any disease.  

As for the fear mongering media,  yes,  I do believe that there are some parties within the government that enjoy the way the masses flock to whatever hot button topic is in the news because it distracts them from more important issues such as war,  the economy,  truly major health concerns, etc. 

And goddammit I can't remember the final part of my post.  Again,  I normally avoid sharing that stuff just for these reasons.  Everyone has an opinion.  This is mine.  I don't expect a soul to agree with me. I know I am more likely to win the lottery or die in a car accident than I am to ever contract ebola.  But I guarantee you that tomorrow at least 50% of my coworkers will be going on about this crap and I will be prepared to remind them there is a very extremely limited chance they will get it.  Unless they all become nurses and make out with infected patients.

Everything with the purple background is the message I sent to my brother. He explained why he reacted the way he had; he had been dealing with someone who is very much a conspiracy theorist type and it left him jittery and looking for a target. I did make some edits to this, because some of my views are a little touchy for many people right now, but 98% of what I said to him is here.

No joke, I am amazed that I haven't heard a word about Ebola murmured in the office today.

Changes are happening at work. Good changes for me! Will share as I learn more.

Have a thpectacular Thursday! (this is about my thing with alliteration. Will go in details about that at some point too.)

Read, Share, Repeat

I am going public. Oh, wait. I guess I already am, but now my blog has a dedicated Facebook page. You can look it up under Wake Me When Sanity Returns; it's a community page because, surprisingly, there isn't a place to make a page for a blog... Which just seems weird to me, but oh well, this works too.

If you find yourself so inclined by the hilarity of my life please, like and share the Facebook page.

Now onto the real shit.

Today is day five of the mild juicing adventure I am on. The more I think about it, with the addition of the protein powder to my homemade blends, I am not really juicing in the true sense. But, since I am enjoying a light breakfast and dinner, I suppose I was never really juicing to begin with. However, it's just easier to say that's what I am doing.

How am I feeling? Other than hungry, pretty good. I am on day three of strictness since my body decided to detox itself Sunday night. So breakfast has been light; the past two mornings it has been Kashi's Indigo Morning. Really good for a gluten free cereal, but I tend to find husks in my teeth throughout the day. Then I am drinking my smoothie; half at 10 and the other half at 1. Then around 3 (give or take a half hour) I am imbibing my Odwalla. Today I will be enjoying one of their protien drinks since I have found Wednesdays to be my "hungry" days, and protein helps with it. Dinners have been light, flavorful and full of veggies.

I gingerly placed myself upon the scale Monday morning, and will again Saturday or Sunday. I will share if there was any change, or none at all. We have been walking more this week. Since we haven't needed time to eat our lunches we have been walking. And since we have not needed to grab snacks at our morning break we have been walking further. We have also managed to snag an extra walk after work.

We will be continuing this experiment into next week. Since I do all my meal planning in weeks at a time, and we are coming up on the start of a new plan I was able to plan next week around foods that have freezable leftovers. So in a way this juicing experiment is also saving us some money.

I think this might become the normal practice for us once a season. Kind of do a juice cleanse/recenter our eating habits, etc. I think it will be a good way to keep us on track. You know I will share as we go.

Last night I had a dream about shoes... Now I can't remember if they were new shoes or shoes I had. I think I recall them looking like a pair I have but they were flats. So now it has me considering wearing said shoes from the dream. The heels are a bit higher than my normal everyday shoes, but that's why I have my trusted purple Nikes in my cubicle. They might get swapped out for my silver ones, because I miss having them at home. When we really start getting back into running and putting in more miles I will need to get new shoes. I should probably just get them now while we are walking so I can break them in. Maybe I will check out some shoes this weekend.

I'm pretty sure I have shared my method before, but then again maybe not. So I think in the next post I will try and throw out some info on how I do my meal planning.

I know, I know. I'm jumping all over the place with this post. To round it out, here is my review of the new Cabela's Store in Tualatin:

IT IS AWESOME! Seriously! It is. I freaking love it. I would live in it if I could. They have so much awesome outdoor and hunting and fishing gear. And the shoe selection amazed me. And oh my goodness the clothes. Even the baby loved the action! All the people, and all the animals that had been stuffed. She absolutely adored the cave with the fish tanks (which makes me think next summer we will totally need to make a visit to the Oregon Coast Aquarium). We also looked at the kid's toys, and I wanted to buy her all the stuffed animals. I eyeballed a spendy re-curve bow that I want (not a fan of compound bows, but might try some anyways). We just had fun the whole way around. And then we somehow managed to control ourselves and walk out of the store without purchasing anything!

As the title states: read, share, repeat!

Have a wonderful Wednesday, world!

The Seam Unraveled

I will just admit it right now, this entire post is a complete and total "first world problems" rambling, but they are my problems and that is why they are important to me. I'm sure if I wasn't in a fortunate country I wouldn't have this blog, so I couldn't share any third world problems anyways. While I am on the subject; how come we never hear the phrase "second world country?" All I have ever heard is third world... And the more I think about it the whole sentiment of first, second, third is kind of redundant. It's a matter of poverty and economics... Why did these phrases even come into existence?

Okay, now on to the actual topic at hand: Moving and the stresses that are really starting to press on me.

I was going to rant to my real estate agent, but it's not her fault, nor is it my broker's. So I am going to rant here. Hell that's why I created this blog originally, for ranting and stories. It's just the way the government works, and since we are going through USDA for financing we are at their mercy.

Right now, it is estimated to take 30 working days from submission to come back from them, the day after we would sign and then the next day funding should go through and we would close. It was submitted September 25th. IF the loan came back to our broker dead on at the 30 day mark it would land on our original closing date of November 6th, we'd sign the 7th, and close on the 10th. We would then have to wait to move until the 15th. This clashes with my hair appointment, but it's fine we should be done moving the big stuff, and I can't think of a better way to end that sort of a day than getting my hair done and relaxing at the salon. And in all reality, it could close earlier than that. Forgive me, I am laughing, we are talking about the Federal government, and timeliness is something they lack.

Worse case scenario, we won't be able to move until the 22nd of November. Can you hear me grumbling through your internet connection? That's two weeks LATER than we were planning. I know, two weeks, that's nothing with the time we have been waiting. For those of you who are newish to my blog, we put our offer in and had it accepted before August 15th... Yes, that is correct, that was two months ago.

Since our offer was mutually accepted I have been working on packing and cleaning and packing. This way when go time gets here we just have to pack the everyday stuff, and be good to go. This has been fine, I began by packing stuff that we don't need out, then stuff that I can use other things for, and then everything that isn't used on a daily basis.

This glorious Tuesday morning rolled around, and as I was dressing 'lo and behold, the hem of one of my pant legs had come out in the wash. More grumbling here. I packed my sewing stuff with my craft stuff last month. Last week I packed my sewing machine. Go me for being proactive! Then I think, "Well, I could get some iron on adhesive to keep it together..." Oh, wait, I packed the effing iron with the goddamn sewing machine last week.... SONOFABIATCH!

Then getting the news from the broker about our estimated close date just set me off... Such a frustrating situation to deal with. I'm just glad I have such a great partner in life with Collin. He reminded me what I have been saying all along (I just needed to hear it from someone's mouth other than mine for once), and it's that we need to go with the flow and accept it. We have no control and can't beat ourselves up over it. I am having a hard time since I am juggling our budgeting for the move (Uhaul rental, new washer and dryer, etc.), giving our notice on our rental, giving notice at our current daycare, and setting a start date with the new daycare. Oh and I am also trying to get a good deal on our internet, but I am not sure when we are moving so it's hard to schedule for install....

And on and on I could go... But, as is my purpose for doing this, I feel better.

Forgive My Delirium

You'll have to bear with me on this one, guys and gals. It will probably be semi coherent... I hope.

I am completely exhausted this morning. Last night was rough, and then we over slept this morning, further adding to my muddled state. For example; I can't remember if I had shared my plans to try a mild version of detox juicing. I'm fairly confident I mentioned the high risk driver's class I had to take on Saturday, so we'll start there. Which is actually kind of mean of me but oh well, I'm discombobulated (yet I spelled that word correctly!).

First, before I can lose anyone, the class was not exactly what I expected. Yes, there were some horrific and heartbreaking stories, but there were not the number of bloody, gory movies I was expecting. It was lead by a veteran trauma nurse and he did everything he could to keep the attendees amused and engaged. For me it worked. Not once did I dose off. I also enjoy the segment when we had a veteran traffic cop to speak with. I actually learned some things I didn't know, and had a few other things clarified. Was all of it life changing and earth shattering? No, not really. I know why I got my speeding ticket, and I am working on not doing that anymore. And no, I don't mean I'm working not to get caught, I'm focusing on paying attention to my speed. When it's just me, or just me and the husband, I tend to not pay as much attention to it.

The one thing that bothered me was one of the attendees and my reaction to her. My reaction went along the lines of many of the attendees. I never really viewed myself as a bully, but at the same time I feel like my gut reaction to this person based on my own personal life experiences made me kind of one. The chick was an obvious tweaker, and as the class wore on it became more and more apparent to many others. Whether former or current, it can be hard to judge depending on how long they were using. My reflex action was to avoid her at all costs. I never spoke to her and our paths never crossed. It made me a little sad when the main speaker announced at the end that some people were outwardly rude to her, and said hurtful things. He felt the need to share that she had been sober for 70 days and nights. Good for her, I hope she can keep it up.

I warned you I would ramble.

But, no, seriously. One speaker truly resonated with me and I feel I need to share him with the world. I think part of him hitting a cord with me was that not only are we the exact same age, but we both have a newish baby. His is about one, and mine is almost ten and a half months. The biggest difference? He was in a terrible crash at age 14 that left him half bionic man and with a traumatic brain injury that limits his capacity for any short term memory. He was in a coma for a long time, and had to relearn everything. Everything! So imagine all the things you taught your child as an infant (assuming you have kids) and then imagine having to learn it all over again when you were 15/16 years old. Pretty shocking. I could go on and on about this, and I might in another post. For now, I will leave you with a link to his foundation's page; Tyler Presnell Foundation. I was lucky enough to see one of his last scheduled speeches in Oregon before he moves.

Naturally, all of this had me thinking of the crash Collin and I had ten years ago, and not for the first time, but the first time in a long time, I realized how incredibly lucky we were. Not just to have survived, but the fact we were able to leave the respective hospitals we were taken to within hours. I mean, sheesh. Ours wasn't high speed in any way, shape or form, but damn. The fact that we had no traumatic head injuries, or broken limbs is insane.

Rambling again.

So, now for the juicing. With the plateau I have been stuck on for the past month and some of the foods I have been indulging in, I opted to try something I swore I would never do; juicing. I am not going hard core, just a mild-moderate plan for the next week. And after what happened last night, I'm pretty confident I can stick to it. (I'll get to last night in a bit)

My plan is light breakfast of fruit and oatmeal or eggs. During the morning hours I will be drinking whole fruit and veggie smoothies (I have a hard time calling it juice) with and without protein added. In the afternoon I will have just a simple fruit juice like Odwalla. Come evening I will have a light dinner. Emphasis on the light. If I absolutely feel the need for food during the day it will be fruits or veggies. For example, this morning I had two medium blueberry, coconut, oatcakes (my own creation, if anyone is interested leave a comment and I will post the recipe in a later post); my smoothie/shake/juice this morning is apple, banana, blueberries, kale, and coconut milk with vanilla protein powder; in the afternoon I will have my Mango Tango Odwalla; and dinner will be a salad and a ground turkey and bean burrito (that will be skinny enough to be a taquito).

I start this on Saturday. I figured I was going to be miserable all day anyways so why not go for broke. I actually found that just with day one, I felt better. I had eggs and a small bowl of cereal for breakfast. I had a Berry Omega Odwalla Smoothie around 10:30, and a simple salad (just lettuce and dressing) for lunch, and then at 3 ish I had my Chocolate Protein Odwalla. I felt great and satisfied. Dinner was chilaquilles and then I was admittedly bad and had some disgusting candy corn pumpkins. You'll understand the disgusting momentarily.

Yesterday I was more off kilter and not nearly as well behaved. I also made a failed batch of green juice, but managed to gag a significant amount down. Breakfast was the oatcakes and eggs, smoothie a few hours later, protein shake a couple hours after that (and a graham cracker munched on throughout the morning). In the afternoon I had a peanut butter sandwich, some more graham crackers and the bad green juice. I was also throwing back the stupid pumpkins again...I don't know why. It was dumb and they were there. This has always been an issue with me if I am trying to get on track. Once I am solid and on a good course it's not an issue. But back to the story. Dinner was salad and rice rotini baked in marinara with turkey sausage. I thought I was still hungry so had some other snacks, and more of those damn pumpkins. They are gone now, so this will not be an issue.

Come bedtime I wasn't feeling to hot (uh duh, I wonder why) and had a good inkling of where this was all headed... The toilet. I can say that my body purged itself of everything. Everything. I finally got to bed sometime around 11pm... To add insult to injury, the wee monster woke up at 3am for a bottle. Oh, and then we overslept due to an alarm not being on.... Yea, last night and this morning have been fun.

And I know last night's performance is not flu/tummy bug related. I felt almost instantly better once everything was evacuated from my system. I was able to consume breakfast just fine this morning, and I will be attempting to ingest my smoothie over the next couple hours.

Now I am going to go back to stumbling through my work day. Next post, I have no idea what the next post will be. Maybe a review of the Cabela's store that just opened here.

Everyone have a marvelous Monday!

Spoiled Fruits

I was working on this totally different post for the last couple days, but the passion for it eluded me and I am lacking the desire to try and hammer it out right now. So instead I am moving on to something else. Not much I can earn if I am not posting.

The failed post was about my ups and downs with psoriasis. I will try and revisit it in the future.

This post will kind of be a subtext to that about stress. Stress is my biggest trigger with regards to my psoriasis flare ups.

I used to calm my nerves with a plethora of bad habits. Smoking, eating, and rarely, but occasionally, drinking. Obviously, all of these and more were detrimental to my longevity. At the time that I decided to change my habits and work on being more mindful of what I put my body through I had no intentions of having children. I just wanted to live a decade or two past retirement so that I might enjoy some time not working. As a person who has been working since she was fourteen, retirement is a fantasy dreamland to me.

I am not going to rehash EVERYTHING I did to change. Not right now at least. I have posted about a lot of it before. Like I said this is more about stress and how I manage it. Stress is truly a big factor in my overall health. Not just because of the psoriasis but also because of my weight. Stress can lead to making unhealthy choices (not an excuse) and also in general cause my body to physically react in unhealthy ways; blood pressure, hormones, adrenaline, and such.

That said, how do I deal with it? I like to think I have found a pretty decent life/work balance. I put life first because it should be the more important half anyways. Since Collin and I work for the same employer, we vent about stuff on our breaks and lunches, and on the drive home. The moment we get home (especially now with the tiny human) it's about our time together as a family and also our time as individuals. We both try to take a few hours, broken up throughout the week to do our own thing. Many times I prefer to use that time to play with our daughter if she's not already in bed.

Having my me time is pretty mission critical to keeping my stress at a minimum, but in the same breath my time with my loved ones is just as critical or I stress about the lack of time we have together. Plus there is nothing more stress relieving (keeping it clean here so try not to argue) than listening to the laughter of my daughter. There are other activities that are just as relaxing, but that is for when she is asleep. Things like watching my favorite shows (Walking Dead starts Sunday!) and cuddling.

When I do take my me time for just me, I typically go for a walk, do crunches, read, do yoga, go mad on Pinterest, and other similar activities. After we move I hope to start getting in a few hours of gaming here and there. By gaming I mean PC gaming, and by PC gaming I mean Diablo III, Minecraft, and WoW.

I can attribute a large part of my stress less and weight loss to having an amazing partner. For the past few months we have drifted away from going on walks/runs together, but are trying to get back into that. Go figure the first week we really work on it we both get a nice little tummy bug (thank you, baby girl).  Oh well, tonight we have grocery shopping to do, but tomorrow night we should be able to. We are working on walking after work every night with the wee one, and then we will get back into running together more and more.

It's hard to do stuff like that alone for me. It's easier and more enjoyable when I can have my partner in crime by my side, and our tiny minion makes it even better. It'll be even better as we settle into the new house in a month.

Speaking of, that has been another stress factor, combined with our finances. I can happily say that this month I am not stressed about our finances. But then again, even when there is no issue with our finances I still stress about them because that's who I am. I am getting better. It's just another thing I have to work on, just like losing weight. We had a couple of "hiccups" over the summer when we had to pay to replace our garage door; damn HOA we are renting in hadn't had an issue for over two years (I dented it when we first moved in) and decided to pitch a bitch about it now. Oh, well. Everything in the last two months worked so perfectly that combined with me being a little more strict on our budget we are perfectly fine and haven't had to resort to savings or credit cards for anything. It's kind of a big accomplishment and a HUGE decrease in my stress.

Last, but not least; one of my biggest outlets for handling my stress has always been this. What I am doing right now. Spilling my guts out for all to see (totally stolen from a song). Sharing most all of my thought and stories, mistakes and triumphs, and pitfalls and peaks. I am working to transition into not only doing this more often, but also to start making a career out of something I am great at, and passionate about. Unlike my visual art, my written words come naturally and they do not make me feel like I am killing my talent by using it up to earn an income. This is the biggest reason I am not a professional artist or graphic designer.

Writing is like breathing, and the words that flow from my mind are ever precious oxygen. And to those of you who are fellow writers know that writer's block is like aspirating water... Makes it pretty damn hard to breathe.

Now back to my music and thoughts. Stay tuned for more random and beautiful brain matter from me.

Make It So

I want to start this post by thanking all my wonderful friends, family, and readers. I was pleasantly shocked this morning when I logged on to my blog and saw that I have had over 40 page views just today! That's a big jump from the average 10-15 right after I share a new post. This is kind of exciting.

So, I am going to give this a whirl.

Some of my regular readers may notice that there will soon be ads on my blog. My application is awaiting approval so that I can really start making my blog work for me. Then I can start generating a little extra income and also do something I love. Tell stories.

I find myself on another plateau since reaching my pre-pregnancy weight and getting beneath it. I am in flux, needling between the two weights. I know if I can just change one tiny thing I can kick start the drop again. I just need to figure out what the tiny thing is.... I might need to start going back to a more veg heavy diet. I have been admittedly lax on that as I reflect on what I have been eating. In this case it really isn't the caloric side that's getting me so much as the what.

Don't get me wrong. I haven't gone all dark side with my snacking. I mostly find that I am not eating things I was eating a few months ago when my weight finally started dropping off again. It's my fault, and I can totally accept the responsibility. I have been snacking on stuff that we have bought for Emma to snack on; like graham crackers, animal crackers and such. For her these things are fine because she eats like two animal crackers and is done. Me, yea, I can ingest more than that. I also keep catching myself having post dinner snacks of cereal. Bad habits die hard.

What this teaches me? I need to remember to stock up on the veggies snacks, and if I am TRULY hungry that's what I need to be eating. And don't misread. I have no intention of starving myself. I just really, REALLY need to focus on the getting back on the more healthy train.

I don't do diets, or special programs, or pills. It has to be something I can do on my own or it will never become a lifestyle. I recognize that I have slipped this past ten months, and I can see now why it gets hard for some people to maintain otherwise healthy lifestyles while adjusting to having a child. Not an excuse, so don't read it as one. Just a matter of a new life lesson learned. Having a kid is all the more reason to get on track and stay there.

And, of course, as I type this someone is like, "Hey, did you see the doughnuts??" Thank you, but I'll pass.

Right now I am on a mission to get some stuff caught up. My next post is going to be pretty enlightening and informative, so stay tuned!

Waiting and Waiting and the Art of Breaking Hearts

That about sums up where we are at in the home buying process. Our file should be off to the USDA now, but they are working at 31 business days to process a file... So yea. We may or may not hit our closing date on time. I am still hopeful that we will, but it adds a little extra stress because of the ripple effect the uncertainty of WHEN we will move causes. Not only am I juggling when to submit our 30 day notice on our townhouse, but also when to give the daycare their required two weeks written notice of the wee monster's withdrawal from their program.... Oh well. Taking it all in stride; I recognize that this is all stuff that is well out of my control.

Because the next few weeks aren't busy enough on their own with the upcoming move in the next six weeks, I have also added a ton of fun activities because I don't need to sleep. Haha. No, seriously, they are great ways to help pass the time, and I have scheduled out everything left we need to do by the weekends we have left at our rental.

This weekend we have the coast and a dental cleaning for Collin on Saturday. And Sunday (which this will be pretty much all the Sundays to come) we have chores around the house and family visit time with Collin's mom, aunt and sister. We are also working to have a couple visits at his aunt's house because she has agreed to watch the little one on moving day, and we want her house to feel comfortable and familiar.

Next weekend I have my high risk driver's class from 9am until 5:30pm. This is what I must do for the diversion program to keep my speeding ticket from August off my record. That and the $160 presumptive fine I had to pay. While I'm enjoying that, Collin will be enjoying a day with our daughter, including taking her to get her flu shot. I have mixed feelings about flu shots, more so than any other vaccination (which I am totally for as it helps prevent common diseases). I think, like all her vaccinations prior, she will be fine. My hopes are that it will do what it is supposed to, we won't get sick from her being a potential carrier, and that she won't have any icky side effects after the shot. I've heard that some people might feel bleh for a couple weeks after the shot. We shall see.

The weekend after that will be an early Thanksgiving with my paternal extended family. I am excited to see everyone, and for everyone to meet my tiny human. It'll be interesting to hear who she looks more like from my side of the family. We always get mixed reactions because she looks soooo much like both of us.

And then we come to the weekend before Halloween, which we will be going to the company Halloween party. Should be fun.

And then somehow we land at the first of November and it's a trip to the coast and sometime in the weeks following we will be moving... It will probably zip by, and I plan to enjoy every second I can.

Lately at work I feel like I am crushing my sales guys and my customers with bad news. Delayed products, and such... I've learned to do it in a way that isn't too painful, but it still makes me a little sad. And then I remember it's all out of my control and I can only do what I do, and then I laugh and go running over the lawn chasing the Canada geese that hang out here....

Okay, maybe I don't do the lawn and the chasing, but still.

More and more lately I find myself fantasizing about not doing this job any more and doing what I love. Then I remember that I need my salary until I can match it doing what I love. And to do that I need to finish a degree and establish myself, unless I can finagle something with my current company. I just know that customer service is a wretched business and as much as I love it and am amazing at it, it is killing my faith in humanity just as quickly as commuting is. Oh, well. I know it is not forever, but as thirty hides just around the corner is seems like it has been, and could continue to be.

If I could figure out how people make money blogging, I would do that, but to find that niche and get a massive following seems so daunting. I'd rather be using my time when the kiddo is in bed gaming for stress relief, but even that isn't happening right now as we prepare to move. I barely even manage to get a run in unless it's on the weekend.

Unless I give up sleeping I feel like I am never going to find time to do all the me things I want to do; school, running, gaming, art. This is partially fine, because I'd rather spend every waking moment when troublemaker is up playing with her. She is more interesting and entertaining to me than anything. And might I add she is also the best stress reliever. Her goofy smile melts away every stress in my mind.

I don't even know where this post has got to at this point. All I know is that I have a dream, and though it is not nearly as grand as dreamers before me, it is mine. That said, if you want to help me live mine, share this blog, with anyone you think would get the slightest amusement or advice out of it.

Seriously, I will send you a personalized valentine card if you share my blog and help me build my following.

marriedwithacat.blogspot.com share it....

No pressure. Just know I'd help you live your dream if I could. ;-)