The Inevitable Wave...

... Of Holiday Depression is crashing down on me hard.

And try as I might to be cheerful and happy, I'm just not.

Last night was bad. For a while I was afraid the insomnia I have been free of for over four years had decided to rear its ugly head. Needless to say, I am utterly exhausted and on the fringe of tears. As I lay in bed next to my husband, the tears broke out. I had to get up and go in the living room before I started to sob.

As I sat on my couch, bawling my eyes out for no discernible reason, I tried so very hard to focus on all the awesome things in my life. Sadly (depressingly) that was unable to stem the flow of saltwater pouring from my eyes.

I sat there for almost an hour until I was able to get some form of control. Then I went and crawled back into bed ever so silently, praying the tears would stay at bay. They didn't, but I was able to fall into a dreamless sleep. Today is not any better. Luckily, I am not crying since I am at work. But the weight of my sadness is crushing me. I just need to get past this, I really don't want to spend Christmas as an emotional wreck.

I could list hundreds (if not thousands) of reasons why I feel this way, but there is no way to fix those things for they are in the past. As much as I love this time of year, it leaves me feeling so empty and used. I wish I could just curl up and sleep away the holiday season.

I just need to suffer through two more hours of work (yea, why the fuck am I here anyways?), and then I can go home and suffer without people, who in all actuality don't care, asking me, "What's wrong?.... Are you okay?...." I hate that. Telling them won't make it better, just like you reading this isn't making me feel better, neither is me typing it. I just need to get it out... That's what my mom used to tell me when I would get depressed, "It's okay to cry, sometimes you just need to get it out." One of the few wise things my mom taught me.

Two positive things on the horizon: I get to see my family tomorrow (negative- Collin won't be there...) and I will hopefully get to see K this weekend! (nothing negative there!!!)

I just don't like feeling so hollow...