I'll Strangle You With Your Nipples

You can thank my brother for what follows... He is the one who ignited the spark of genius that created this.

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This is a story of how I came to be the awesomeness that I am.

Li Li: The Ninja Pirate

It all started when I pulled into a friendly harbor. After months of pirating, pillaging and plundering I decided it was time for a respite from the blessed sea. I found a lively tavern where the booze was flowing and the male whores were clean. I got a few drinks in me and started to feel it more rapidly than normal, by about the thirteenth round I began to think someone had quite possibly drugged my grog. As the bar wench brought me my next drink everything just sort of faded out to black...

I have no idea how much time passed before I came out of the deep fog, but when I came to my wrists and ankles were bound and I had been blindfolded with some foul smelling rag. I began to make a ruckus (I have always wanted to use that word...ruckus) and was quickly rewarded with a crack to the back of my head. The fade out was much quicker this time.

The next time I awoke I found my self on a pallet in a small cell. My bindings were no more and I was able to move, though stiff and sore from who knows how long of traveling and being restrained. I peaked out a tiny window in the wall and gazed upon nothing but mountainous terrain. I strained my feeble human ears but could not hear the comforting lull of the mighty ocean's waves crashing upon the shore.

Behind me some unnoticed villain cleared his throat. I turned prepared to draw my sword from my scabbard only to find myself completely unarmed. Before me stood a tiny (he could not have been taller then four foot seven inches) monk. He was adorned in a black robe, and had small shrubs of stark white hair growing from ears the size of dinner plates. It was then that I noticed I too wore a similar black robe, though thankfully mine was much larger.

"Where the hell am I?"

"You are in the Shrine of the Dilapidated Donkey, and to save you the trouble, I am known as Hu Fung Dung, and I am now your mentor."

"What the hell do I need a mentor for? I'm a freaking pirate!"

"Ah, yes... But I can make you more than a pirate. I can make you *drum roll into a crescendo* A Ninja Pirate!"

So I let the little short dude take me under his tutelage (which sounds dirty...)and spent months and months training in the cold, snowy mountains, yearning for the salty sea air and the roll of the waves beneath my ship.

Finally the day came when the student became the master, and I was able to beat Hu Fung Dung in hand to hand combat. I was rewarded with The Belt of Five Monkey Fists, which was tastefully designed with each fist's middle finger extended.

So I took my belt and my other meager belongings that someone had so thoughtfully taken along when they "kidnapped" me (for lack of a better term), and I set out on my adventure to the sea and back to my awaiting ship.

I spent several weeks traversing the countryside headed in the direction Hu Fung Dung so kindly pointed me in. I came across many perils and overcame them all. The scariest of which was when I encountered the armored baboons riding the rabid bengal tigers. One by one I dispatched the disturbed cats and their deranged riders. One I believe wound up in a tree. My hands and feet were blurs of death and destruction.

I had been turned into the perfect weapon. My pirate skills would allow me to travel the world with ease and my ninja skills would allow me to do it sneakishly, while annihalating any who crossed me.

Once I reached the harbor which my ship was docked at I rounded up my crew from the bars and whore houses and set sail for the next conquest.

And thusly I became a ninja pirate, and if you have a problem with that and still don't think one could be a ninja pirate then bring it beyotch. I will show you my Belt of Five Monkey Fists and before you can blink I will use each one's projecting middle digit to plug a different orifice on your body.

Bring it!*making come hither hand motion common in all kung fu movies*

Now I am spent, rehashing the past always does this to me. Peace to all my ninja brothers and pirate bastards.