It's All One Big Numbers Game

The last working day of the month (Month End) always leaves me mentally exhausted, that's why I wish it always landed on a Friday. You know, give me a couple days for my poor brain to recuperate from that shit.

Collin just sold his Baritone Saxophone for $570!!! w00t!

At month end I have the pleasure of tallying, and totaling all the monies that physically came through our office. And I have to make sure everything balances. Yay me! So after running the same numbers umpteen million times it really burns me out.

If Chuck Norris worked in a collection agency all them people would be paying their effing bills, and they wouldn't dare give Chuck Norris an NSF check.

Who the hell does that anyways? Gives a collection agency a bad check to pay their past due bill, I'll tell you who, stupid people. We have even got bad checks from people who work at banks!! Do people not realize the instrument they give to a collection agency by giving them a bad check?! In the state of Oregon, we can take a, say, $50.00 NSF check and turn it into a $700.00 small claims judgment, and then we can garn the dumbass' bank account or paycheck. Plus there is still the remaining balance on the unpaid bill. Come on people, use your brains!

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, too bad Chuck Norris doesn't know how to cry. (An oldie but a goody, Collin knows it.)

Collin just got home, he said his hands reek of vodka... My husband, the lush. Well I need to go finish making dinner. New pics on Myspace, one just for you Kristina!

Toodles.

I Don't Know, Cheetos and Rice Crackers Just Sound Good

This is the story of the Minto Brown Hobbits.

Once while we were on a walk at the park, we kept hearing the tall grass next to the path rustling just behind us as we walked by. Almost like we were being followed. Now, knowing that Minto Brown is a nature preserve, any normal person would assume it's some cute furry creature, or just some birds. Not my husband though.

"It's the hobbits, and they want our trinkets."

I look at him in disbelief.

"Well shit."

We had our cellphones, our camera, and our keys, and apparently them greedy little bastards wanted that stuff so they were following us.

I thought for sure at any moment one was gonna come flying out of the shrubbery and rip the bag off of Collin's back.

Thankfully, we made it back to the car unscathed.

I am glad we got our bikes now, the stubby legged monsters can't keep up with us now.

I need to do my nails again.

This afternoon Renee and I got to take a trip out to Stayton to pick up an really nice payment on a commercial account. It was fun, I drove like a speed demon.

Beechler-Frederich-Weiner Inc. makes the mouth piece.

I think I need to get a travel sized tube of toothpaste to keep with me at work. Lately I have had the amazingly strong urge to brush my teeth after lunch...

Must submit to the obsessive compulsive tendencies...

I have this gnarly looking bruise on my leg from this weekend. I have no clue when it happened, probably when we first went out with our bikes on Saturday. It is about at peddle level.

Who would actually have sex with that guy?

I love paper clips. And I am tired, so I am outtie like a pregnant womans belly button.

Much love to the homies, PEACE! (You know you want to, picture me with a hat on that's tweaked to the side, big ass bling bling chain with a horseshoe pendant, giving you a straight out of the hood peace sign... Kind of 50 Cent-ish...)

SHAMWOW!!! You'll be saying "WOW" everytime!

Hump Day Is Quickly Becoming Mt Everest Day

I keep telling myself, "Ya just gotta make it through today, then tomorrow is Thursday, and then Friday, and after that it's the weekend..." Repeating this mantra over and over...

I feel like I have already been here for about TEN hours, when in all actuality it's been about four almost four and a half. If I can just make it to about three o'clock then I think I can make it the last couple hours and go home.

I will post again later.

Tonight's topic of discussion will be the Minto Brown Hobbits. And probably some other interesting mind dribble.

Tuesday Was Gloomy So I Wore Gray To Match

Coffee is the fuel that gets me through the morning hours. Otherwise you could probably find me drooling on my keyboard at work...

Note to self: Next time get unsalted almonds... I don't really care for the salty nuts when mixed with yogurt covered raisins and dried apples...

Other note to self: Anytime you talk about "salty nuts" and anything with "yogurt" the immature part of your brain starts giggling uncontrollably.

I am the video store, the candy store, and the new Mexican restaurant. I loaned Vikki some movies, she just moved into a new apartment and isn't getting cable for a couple weeks. I made enchiladas last night and took some left overs in for Viva and Renee, they loved 'em. Last time we were at Costco I wanted to get more hard candy for work, so I got a SEVEN POUND BAG of various hard candies. I took a bunch to work today and put it in a bowl in the kitchen. Everyone smokes so I am sure they will appreciate the hard candy.

I considered putting a candy dish up at the front counter, but then thought better of it. I didn't want to give angry debtors any potential projectile weapons.

I feel like have cotton balls shoved up my nose, so I am cranky and feeling a little mean today.

I hate stupid people.... And there's a lot of them...

What really drives me mad are totally self centered, egotistical people who are so uncontrollably full of themselves they think everything is all about them... Eww...

I am going to read more of my book... Need to buy the other three in the series...

It's Like Riding a Bike...

I forgot my little black notebook today because I didn't take my normal purse, so I had to resort to scratch paper.

Anywhoozles, it is true, you never forget how to ride a bike, but it is kind of touch and go until you find your balance... Other than once a couple years ago, I hadn't been on a bike in a decade (makes it sound like forever, right?) until this weekend.

Spazzer is rubbing against my leg cause it's her dinner time.

This weekend was WAY WAY to short and jam packed (how do you pack jam??) with activities. Here's the recap:

Saturday: Started off with grocery shopping. Bought bikes and bike paraphernalia (I love that word, just say it a few times). We put our shiny new bike rack on the Camry, and put the shiny new bikes on the shiny new bike rack. Went to the park, where in the first five minutes I thought for sure I would end up in the bushes with the Minto Brown Hobbits (another story) or land in the duck pond with all the dead bodies (another story entirely). Then I went and got a bunch of my hair chopped off (I feel a little less crazy, so I really do think it was my hair). Went home and washed all the murderously annoying hair clipping off. I started reading a new book (it's called Twilight by Stephenie Meyers) I picked up while I was waiting for the hubby after my hair cut. The book just sort of called to me, I know that sounds crazy... I made an awesome calzone for dinner, then I think we watched Gene Simmons Family Jewels on OnDemand. At about nine o'clock I went absolutely crazy and started cleaning the house... Around eleven we crashed...

Sunday: I made breakfast and we went to the park for another ride (a lot less terrifying this time around). When we got home I made the filling for the enchiladas for tonight's dinner. Then I showered, did my hair, put my face on, and then we went to Auntie Carol's for the Mom & Grams Birthday BBQ. It was fun. Carol invited me up to go to Flutag with them on Saturday. I told her I would think about it cuz we have plans with Doobers and Collin has a doctors appointment. By the time we got home I was pooped and really not looking forward to today.

Today I couldn't help but smirk while I was eating my trailmix and there are pieces of almonds getting stuck in my teeth, I am sure you know where I am going with this. The voice in my head was screaming with laughter, "I have nuts stuck in my teeth!!"

And on that note I will leave you.

Harder Than A Drama, Softer Than A Porn

**WARNING** Not suitable for younger viewers, viewer discretion is advised.

After years of customer service, and living with my in laws for so long, I think I have perfected my yes-I-really-care-about-all-the-shit-you-are-saying face. The whole time there's a voice screaming in my head, "Would you please just shut up and leave me alone..."

A weekend or so ago, I needed to get a new box of tissue, and vaseline for the dry skin on my feet. Collin thought it would be HI-larious if he went up to a cashier to pay for these two items only by himself. Imagine how that would look, a male buying a box of tissue AND vaseline... I firmly told him that would not be happening, absolutely not. (It would have been freaking funny though!)

I want to visit all the cool places that they go to on Ghost Hunters International. I love that freaking show. Or at least most of the ones they saw in England. We want to go to England and Scotland someday anyways.

I reak of awesomeness.

Last night, I was peacefully eating some Mike 'n' Ike's while watching some TV, when I found a Mike 'n' Ike that... Well, the pictures speak for themselves....
I am feeling a little bit more mature today, so if this hadn't happened last night I probably would have just had a laugh and not bothered taking any pics. Somewhere, the Gingerbread Man is missing something very important....

Then before bed, Collin was doing his physical therapy stretches and Spaz decided she wanted to help daddy.
This one was from last week, she was laying on the back of the couch and I had been playing with her and then she rolled onto her back, and just laid there like that for a while...
What a weirdo cat, but we all know how much I love her.

It's almost time for Chelsea Lately, so peace.

Secretly You Are So Amused That Nobody Understands You

Someday I am going to go to LA so I can be in the audience of Chelsey Lately, and then I will go to NYC to be in the audience on Maury. It'd be awesome. I'd want Renee to go with me, so either we would have to drive, or I would have to drug her to get her on the plane.

Spaz was just peeking over the screen of the laptop as I was typing.

I don't know what my problem is today, but I am feeling really childish/immature. Like, I feel like my adult mentality took the day off and went somewhere. Probably somewhere cool where the childish part of me can't go...

When ever anyone said anything that could be twisted into something funny, my brain was like, "Oooo, that could mean..." And then I would laugh like an Rtard and my coworkers would look at me like I am a freaking psychopath. I just felt giggly, about things I shouldn't be giggly about, and I had a really REALLY hard time controlling the word vomit that kept popping up into my head.

At one point I almost said, "Yo' mama." to a coworker... For no apparent reason.

Oh, and there was this one dude walking down the street that caused me to bite my tongue so hard I thought it might bleed. He was wearing shoes, pants, no shirt, and a leather jacket that was over half way unzipped. It wasn't the fashion that was so funny, it was the fact that the first thing I thought when I saw him was, "Jesus!" His hair was about shoulder length and medium brown, and had the perfect "Jesus" facial hair. So, if you think you see Jesus walking around Salem, Oregon, you aren't the only one, I saw him too!

I really want to see Pineapple Express.

The weather was gorgeous again today. I love sunny weather in the mid to upper seventies, especially with a slight breeze.

Maybe the childish 'tude is a sign that I have finally lost the last remnants of my sanity. It really wouldn't surprise me.

I have such a wonderful freaking husband. I am sure some people get sick of hearing me say that, but it's true. He's doing the dinner dishes for me (which he does every night). He has no idea how much he has changed my life. I never imagined finding someone as perfect for me as him. We are so freakishly in tune with one another it gets kind of creepy sometime. Like when we are watching TV and we will look at one another and say the exact same thing.

I saw my car driving down State Street today, not in the exact color I want but still. It was a metallic green, black vinyl hard top, 1969 Dodge Charger, and when I saw it I just about... Yeah. My hubby knows what I mean...

I'm gonna go check my email, and then probably convince my husband he wants to go for a walk (I don't like going alone).

Peace Out (think of me giving you a gansta peace sign right now... I bet that made you smile.)

Hehehe...

You Wanna Know Who I Really Am...

... Well so do I.

A word of warning, this blog was written through out the day on scraps of paper as I thought of things I felt like talking about. Lately, I just haven't had time to get online during lunch, so I have started "taking notes" during the day. I doubt they will all make sense....

I wish my Dr. Pepper can sang to me while I drank it. Between sips obviously.

My mind is in a dark place today. There were a few moments where I just felt like screaming. I talked to someone briefly this morning and it made me feel a lot better, but still not great.

I think I am a glutton for punishment.

I love where I work, and the people I work for, but it's really starting to wear me out, like hardcore. I really wanted that job with Collin's company but that isn't gonna happen, I haven't heard from them and doubt I will at this point. I could look at other places, but the only reason I'd leave is if I got a job at Collin's company.

Maybe I am just in a rut. I know the grass ain't always greener, but less responsibilities for better pay sounds like heaven. In some ways I feel like I have peaked here, but looking for other prospects is next to impossible while working Monday thru Friday 8-5pm. Plus, part of me would feel guilty... Don't ask I can't explain it.

I know Collin will support me, regardless what I decide. And I am pretty confident that Renee would understand and our friendship wouldn't change, but how would I even tell the owners if I got an interview. They constantly tell me they don't want me to ever leave. I know all jobs have their bad days, but it shouldn't be this much of a headache everyday.

A big part of the dark place I am in right now can be contributed to the stress at work. But also I have these moments where I feel like I have lost all my friends (except for Renee and Kristina). There are a couple of reasons for this but I really don't want to go into that, because it dredges up stuff from the past.

Maybe it's all my hair's fault.

Every couple of years I get the urge to cut most of my hair off. I am feeling that way right now. There is just so much of hair. In September I plan to go in and get it colored and trimmed. Maybe I will go in on Saturday and get an inch or so trimmed off.

I think I have a salon addiction. I love getting my hair done. Up until the highlights in June I hadn't done anything to it except for a trim in December and getting my bangs in November (I think).

The leaves on the tree outside my bookkeeping office (it's actually behind the ARC but I can see it from the window) are turning yellow. I think it's a sign of Summer's impending retreat.

Renee and I watch Maury everyday at lunch, and they have a bajillion commercials for those schools like Heald, Everest, Apollo, etc. Most of the time they talk about the shitty lives they had before and blah blah blah, and then they became licensed massage therapists and life is so much better (this is generally Everest). Then at the end they show the number to call (operators are standing by to help you) and make the asenine statement "If she can do it, you can do it." My Question to them: Are you saying to can train a person with NO hands to be a licensed massage therapist? Would they use their feet?

Whenever the new Acura commercials come on I always think of Office Space, it had the same song.

I am so done.

I'm Spinning While Falling Down

Thoughts for the day and lessons from this weekend.

Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall, the weathermen in Oregon are never right.

When planning an outing, take into consideration more than just the distance of the walk. Think about the elevation changes... 2.5 miles on level ground is NOTHING compared to 2.5 miles with elevation changes of about 150 feet. We went up along the rim of the canyon, then down into the canyon.... AND then had to climb back up out if the canyon.... Duh.

When the little voice in your head says, "Hey, you should put some sunblock on before you go." Don't just shrug it off thinking well I didn't get sunburned at the falls I won't get sunburned at Minto Brown.... Hint hint, I got sunburn on my shoulders...

Shopping at Costco in the evening is great, shopping at Wal-Mart at night blows super huge donkey balls.

I can't not laugh when I (in reference to his jar of peanuts) say to my husband, "Hey, are you taking your nuts with you to work?" or "Please throw you nut sack away." I guess I am just a little childish still, or just a goof ball.

My family always seems to call when I am watching a movie. Last night while watching The Bank Job (great movie, I <3 Jason Statham.) My dad and sister called, then my mom called, and then my dad and sister called AGAIN!

My MIL is still creepy.

Kristina, I miss you. I wish you were coming back sooner than December. I can't wait to see you!!

Collin, why you no bloggy Swedish Asian man? Whuddafuxup?

There was more to this, but the HTML messed up and deleted a big chunk of it.

I am going to go do... Something...

Morbid Pasta Salad

My own morbidity scares and disturbs me sometimes. You know those old school paper cutting things, that have like a gridded chopping block and a swinging blade arm. Like this:

Well as you can see we have one of them at my office. I am utterly terrified that one day on of my fingers is gonna get chopped off when I am not paying attention, or in a hurry. I don't know why, I just am.

Another thing that still scares the bejeezus out of me: semi trucks. And wouldn't you know my office is right across the effing street from an ice cream factory that has semi trucks pulling in and out all day.... I am always worried I am gonna witness them run over a pedestrian, or a car smash into them... I would be all amazed like, "Holy crap did you see that?" and at the same time I would probably pee myself thinking, "I hope there is no exposions, I've seen those movies where the car hits the trucks gas tank and KABLAMMO!"

I am excited for this weekend, granted we have to swing by the in-laws', but oh well. We are going up to Silver Falls State Park first. Hopefully there will be some awesome pics. And I am thinking on Sunday we might go to Minto Brown in the morning and do another loop of the park.

Next weekend we are going to a family barbecue in Portland for his grandma's and his mom's birthdays. I think we are going to get Grams a nice flowering potted plant for her room. Mom... I have no clue what to get her. The woman has more junk than she could ever hope to use... Maybe a wind chime, or decorative bird feeder... Or something...

I am thirsty.

My husband worries me. He is sitting on the couch and playing with a big 12v battery a computer fan... I hope he doesn't shock himself...

Oh, tonight I made this killer pasta salad for dinner. I made it with some of the cool pasta I bought at Costco, canned organic tomatoes, sliced black olives, a quarter of a sweet white onion (thinly sliced), about two cups chopped up spinach, a thing of feta cheese crumbles, and like half a cup of house italian dressing. It was sooooo freaking good. I am so glad there are leftovers for lunch. Perfect Summer food.

I think he's gonna chop his finger off with that thing. So, now, I not only fear he will give himself a light ZAP, but also that he is gonna lose and appendage... At what point do you think I should step in and say, "Babe, what the hell are you doing??"
Right now.

He says he is working on a way to improve his "homemade" desk fan for work... I gotta give him credit for ingenuity.

Spaz just gave me the look. That one that says, "Mommy, you aren't paying attention to me and daddy is doing weird stuff. I think he might hurt himself."

Well, I think we are gonna go for a walk soon.

I Guess I Will Get Another Head

I am not going into detail about that title. All I have to say is that I think I want to invest in a padded headboard for the bed. I may have had a mild concussion...

So thoughts for the day...

1. I think that I need some sort of water proofed notepad in the shower. I noticed that I tend to think up all sorts of stuff in the shower, and by the time I get out and dried off I completely forget whatever amazing thought I had.

2. When planning a SURPRISE birthday lunch, DO NOT call to talk to the birthday girl, and apologize for not being able to make it for lunch.... Ugh!

3. Gs and Gents is like a male version of Flavor Of Love: Charm School.

4. Unless you are in decent shape (this means NO JELLY ROLLS), men, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY KEEP YOUR SHIRTS ON!!!

5. Hot, soapy water is a quick way to remember you got a paper cut on your pinkie the day before.

6. I have really bad road rage.... That is intensified when I am tired.

7. Poptarts. I blame Poptarts for the nation's youth being obese. I was looking at them in comparison to the packets of Emerald Nuts Trail Mix that I bought for work. One packet of trail mix (containing dried cranberries, glazed almonds, glazed walnuts, granola clusters, apple chips, and yogurt covered raisins) has 120 calories. One poptart pastry, not one packet of them but ONE PASTRY (containing some nasty crust, overly sweet filling and sugary "frosting") has 200 calories. That's TWO HUNDRED. And most people eat the whole packet, so TWO pastries, which has FOUR HUNDRED CALORIES!!! That's like an entire meal!

8. My husband is an amazing man, and nothing can ever express the insane amount of love I feel for him. My Swedish Asian Man.

9. I seem to get really fidgety when I am really bored, or I start counting stuff. That stems from the mild OCD I have... Ask my husband or anyone at work, I have my "systems" and they have to be done the way I do them or the world will end.

I am going to convince my husband he wants to go for a walk. It's only 80 outside right now, Saturday when we were at Minto Brown it was about ten degrees warmer.

I Was a Razor and You Were a Straight Line

Here are my general observations, and nuggets of wisdom for today.

1. Unless you are starring as a basketball player from the seventies, PLEASE do not go in public wearing above mid-thigh length shorts and knee high black socks. Renee and I saw a dude dressed so at Walmart after work. The terrifying image is still burned into my retinas....

2. Just because a company's name contains the words "credit" and "bureau" does not mean they have any freaking access to your credit report. In fact, most places with the words "credit" and "bureau" in their names are collection agencies. The MAJOR credit reporting agencies are Experian, Equifax, and Trans Union. If you have a problem with your credit reports talk to them, not to me.

3. Don't get mad at collection agencies, or their employees when they contact you, OR YOU contact them about a past due bill. It's not OUR fault you didn't pay your effing bill with the original creditor.

4. The cake is a lie.

5. When you use the broiler in your oven to make toasted sandwiches on the weekend, remember to put the rack back in the center BEFORE you preheat the oven for dinner later in the week... I didn't burn myself this time, but if I had I would be really pissed at myself.

6. Not every "good" person in this world is Christian.

7. This is kind of a throw back to five, after putting the rack back and putting the food in the oven, remember to set the timer.... Again, nothing burned....

8. If you even hear a snippet of the theme from "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends" it will get stuck in your head and play over and over and over and over again.

9. Some birthday cards out there are sickeningly morbid.

10. How can you tell someone to be patient when they are awaiting a possibly life altering moment?

11. My cat loves to attack and chew on my hair.

My husband is home now, I am going to eat dinner.

The Pioneer Family

This is the story of the pioneer family that is forever captured in the statue at Bush Pasture Park... Actually it's not really a story but more or less some disturbing observations about the statue that concern me, especially since the statue is titled "The Guidance of Youth."
Here are my issues with this statue.
1. All of their faces look exactly the same.... Either the artist couldn't sculpt any other face, or the family was.... Nevermind. But yeah, it's like they are all clones or something.
2. The father and son are both looking up and forward, showing their strength and confidence.
The mother however, has her eyes downcast.
Is this a sign of our culture's former view of women? Is it showing that woman are closed minded and would rather focus on their immediate surroundings? Or maybe it's the age old, "women don't know how to navigate, leave it to the men" attitude. Whatever.

And then finally there's this.
The effing kid is grabbing at his father's junk!!! How creepish is that?!?!

Yeah, so I think I have made my point.

For more fun pictures from this weekend, including pictures from our walk at Minto Brown Park while it was still about NINETY DEGREES outside, check out my profile on MySpace.

Just wait for the squirrels... It'll be great.

On The Way Home, This Car Hears My Confessions

Guess where I am? Somewhere I would rather not be on my Saturday afternoon, and no it ain't the gyno's office. It's my In-Laws' house!! Yay me! They are having computer issues. They tend to have major compy issues that require Collin's expertise at least once a month... Coincedence? I think not. I think I would almost rather be getting a yearly exam than being here... I love them, but I had to live here for the last three years, I think I could go like six months before thinking, "Hey, we should go visit your parents."

We went grocery shopping this morning, and then went and parked at the Capital and walked to the Saturday Market. It was nice, starting to get warm, but not too bad yet. The fountain at the Capital came on right after we parked and I was able to get some nice pictures. You can see the rainbows in the spray. I bet it'd look awesomer (it is a word if it's said enough) if I had MY camera that I want....
Collin just whooped my ass at thumb wrestling and I even used all my fingers and both hands! I also got some awesome pictures of some of the flowers at the Capital. I love the yellow one the most, it just seems to glow. I used it for my profile background on MySpace. And the pink one is the desktop background on my laptop.
Then as we were making our way through the Capital garden or whatever you want to call it we came across a bum's abandoned bed. At least that's what we assumed. I mean, when else do you find newspapers on or around a bench? See this was the bum's blanky.
And this was the bum's bed. And just so you know, the bench is made out of 100% recycled materials.
We had fun at the market, we will probably start going more often. We got these awesome cheddar bagels, and a fresh baguette at this one stand ran by Croissant & Co. And then at this other stand I bought this awesome red glass circle that had the Chinese symbol for Love on it. I found it funny when one of the people running the booth told me that the piece I chose is the hardest to make. Love is the hardest to make... Interesting.

Well, Collin is almost done fixing his parents computer. To fill the remaining time I think I am going to stare blankly at Windows Media Player's visualization (I have it on Sleepy Spray, my favorite) while I listen to Dashboard Confessional.

"If My Foot Was A Penis..."

"... My big toe would be squirting white stuff."

My husband is the bomb at giving foot massages. I swear, he is so insanely amazing.

Anywhoozles, Friday, ah, glorious beautiful Friday. I love the weekends now, not like six months ago when we were still living out there. (**Mmmmm, rice crackers....**) Sorry, waiting on the hubby to be on his way home before I start dinner, so I am munching some rice crackers... Obviously. Where was I? Weekends are just so much more relaxing now. I think tomorrow morning I want to go to the farmers market, see what they got in right now. Then before it gets too warm tomorrow I think we will walk up around the area near the State Hospital and, you know, antagonize some of the mentally unstable.

I am getting myself back into my drawing, and trying to read more, so if you have any good books to recommend leave me a comment. I need to buy more. As I finish new pieces I might (if I like them enough) take pics and post them.

Spazzer is laying under the table right by my foot. Sometimes she is the sweetest fluffball you can imagine, and then other times she shreds your flesh before you even realize what has happened. I took this pic the other morning while we were playing before I went to work. She's like the evil monster under the bed.
Oh and this is the old ass paper towel holder that snapped and tried to kill Renee when I got a paper towel this morning.
I swear, it was crazy and scared the crap out of us. This is the projectile piece that flew at Renee.
I still haven't heard about the job thingy yet, I am not holding my breath but I am hopeful. Collin and the guys he works with say to be patient because the company takes a long time to hire people, or even interview them. We'll see. If I don't hear from them by Wednesday then I am going to call HR and see what up.

I feel a lot better about this now, I talked with Renee earlier this week. She asked me if I had heard anything, I told her no. Under her breath she was like "yes..." And then she said that honestly, she hopes that I get this job more than she hopes I stay. She knows what it would mean for me and Collin if I got this job. I asked her if our friendship would change because of me leaving, she said absolutely not. We would still be BFFs and neighbors (she lives like a block away from me), we'd still talk, and hang out and stuff. I then told her that other than telling her I put in my resume, the hardest thing will be telling the owners if I get an interview. I will HAVE to tell them at that point so we can start looking for a potential replacement for me, and I don't want to hurt them, they are like family to me. No sense putting the cart before the horse.

Today Renee and I decided that next summer we are gonna learn how to golf. We figure we will start out by going to a driving range and learning how to swing the clubs and stuff. I think Vikki is gonna learn with us too. We think it would be something new to learn, and fun. We are waiting til next summer so that we have time to research the local golfing scene and so we can have the money to do it. It will surely be interesting.

Oh Kristina! How I miss you! December is like forever from now... It's like... SIX WHOLE MONTHS FROM NOW!!!

I am going to go roll up some stuff with my Katamari... Or draw.... Or read... I don't freakin know. OWWWW!!! CLAWS IN MY FREAKING TOES!!! Sweet jesus, make it stop... I think she's saying I love you.... *trying not to move, moving only antagonizes the monster*

There's Nothing That I Can Say That Can Matter

Wow, apparently I don't know my own strength... Renee and I were going through our morning routine, she was making a pot of coffee and I was washing out my coffee cup that I bring "my coffee" in. When I went to get a paper towel and tear it off the roll, the freaking paper towel holder SNAPPED and went flying at Renee. Cheap, old plastic. It scared the bejeezus out of us. I'll take a pic and post it later.

I have noticed the past few days that if I just finger comb my hair after I wash it, and let it dry down, it has these amazing big barrel style curls. I know I got that from my mother, I will have to thank her for it someday. "Thanks Mom for the amazing hair!"

It's Friday, I am so freaking happy about that. I found another reason to love Collin's job, he got free movie tickets! He got two for Get Smart, and two for Hellboy 2! AWESOMENESS!

See, we generally don't like going to the movies cause you figure two tickets, that's about fourteen to eighteen dollars a movie, you might as well buy the fucker as soon as it comes out on DVD. Seriously, you pay, let's say, eighteen bucks to get in, plus another five to ten dollars for snacks or whatever, you're looking at almost THIRTY dollars. AND, what if the movie turns out to be total shit? At least with a DVD that sucks you can use it as a coaster.

I forgot to put lotion on this morning.... My hands feel dry. Luckily I have some uber yummy smelling pomegranate lotion here.... Phew.

Jim For Viva

Okay, Viva is a wonderful woman that I work with here at the collection agency. She is a sweet lady with the mouth of a sailor, and has lived an amazing life. She was married.... More than once. Her most recent hubby passed away a few years ago. After that she was never really looking for another companion, that is until Jim came along.

After almost seventy years on this planet, Viva found her soul mate. Jim was her other half. Just yesterday morning while we were all talking she mentioned how much she loves him (even when he frustrates her), and how lucky she was to have found him. The love she feels for him is stronger and deeper than the love she had for any of her husbands. That seems to be the way it works, you find "The One" when you aren't even looking.

Yesterday, shortly before 2pm, Jim was killed in a car accident. He was 78, and he was the love of her life. My heart breaks for her, to lose someone who means the world to you. I can't even begin to fathom the depth of the pain she is enduring right now. They were the cutest old couple in the world.

She just wants him to come home, now.

When I heard the news last night from my office manager, my mind didn't know how to process it. I was kind of like, "Okay....." After I got off the phone with Renee I went back to making the pasta salad that was for dinner, cutting up the mozzarella, and my brain started to process it and I started to cry. I stopped myself and calmed down. When Collin got home from physical therapy I was sitting on the couch and he asked me what was wrong, I just shook my head. He asked me again, and all I could do was stutter it out and started bawling.

I didn't know Jim that well, but I have really become attached to Viva and for her to suffer that kind of loss crushed me. All I could think was, "He won't ever call the office again..." I know that probably sounds odd, but now we get to the story behind the title of this blog.

I always thought it was a little funny, but whenever Jim would call Viva at work, after doing the greeting "Good morning/afternoon...blah blah." Jim would say, "Jim for Viva." Rather than saying, "Is Viva there?" and then me asking, "May I tell her who's calling?"

That was generally the extent of words between us unless she was on the phone then I would let him know and ask if he would like to hold or have her call him back. I saw him a few times when he would come to the office to bring Viva something, or whatever, and I saw how happy she was every time she saw him.

It was so sudden and such a shock to everyone, especially Viva. He had told her he was gonna stay home that day, how we all wish he had. Viva is surrounded with people that love her, and though it is a comfort, she wants him. Her identical twin sister is with her, as are her children and grandchildren. We (the office crew) all pitched in and sent her a floral arrangement, to let her know we are there for her and that we love her.

She called when she got them this afternoon, telling me how gorgeous they are, and how she put them next to Jim's chair so he could enjoy them too. It made me tear up all over again. Then she began asking about certain accounts of hers that she was hoping would pay, like everyone prior to me that she talked to I told her not to worry about that.

As cranky and ornery as Viva can be some days, I love her dearly, and have gained so much knowledge from her. She is a strong woman, and we all know she can come back from this, but until then my thoughts are with her, as is my heart. And I hope she knows how many people care about her.

Jim, may you rest in peace.

Plastic Cups, Styrofoam Plates, Thunder and Illegal Fireworks

We had a potluck at work today for the 3rd of July. Loads of fun, and way more food than the six of us employees can eat.

Last night I didn't sleep worth a damn. First at midnight, there was some jackass lighting off illegal fireworks... Someone called the cops on them, whoever they are, and thank god for that. OMG it pissed me off so much.

THEN at 2am I woke up suddenly because of the huge ass thunderstorm that passed over. I jerked awake and started looking around, absolutely certain that the cottage had just collapsed, and Collin started rubbing my back and was like, "It's just thunder and lightning, babe. Go back to sleep."

Just as I was on the verge of sleep, listening to the low rumbles of the sky, *SMACK-KABOOM*, another clap of thunder RIGHT OVER MY FUCKING HEAD. At least how it sounded to me, so I jerked my head up again, this would probably be the reason my neck is so stiff.

Oh well, on a brighter and happier note, I am going to the coast this weekend! I am gonna go visit my dad and my sister and nephew. Then I plan to go visit Tiara (my headgear) and her little one, Emma, and then Heather and her little one, Keira, not necessarily in that order. And I will probably go to the beach, and maybe some other places, take some pictures, and just sort of take a break from stuff. Collin will be staying home, and going to see his grandma.

I bought two CDs last night at Best Buy. I bought another Dashboard Confessional - Dusk and Summer CD that I didn't have yet, and, because the one song I heard by her was so freaking catchy, I bought Katy Perry's CD One of the Boys (I think that's the title, the cd is in the car).

Then Collin, my sweet, funny, odd Collin, got a Bass Mechaniks (I could be wrong on the spelling) CD, because he loves his bass, and a Josh Turner CD (Josh Turner is HOT!). What a freakin' combo there, country and techno-electronica-bumpiness. I love that man.

Well I think I have blabbed on enough for now. Only four and a half hours to go, I will almost definitely blog later this evening, and depending on how this afternoon plays out I will either be okay, or EXTREMELY DISGRUNTLED!! (I decided to sound more edjuhkated, rather than use pissed off.)

If I weren't laughing, I'd be crying.

Crotch Vomit

Okay, so I promised my husband that I would blog about this after it originally came up, and I am finally doing it. It's not as gross as it sounds.... Well it might be. I will warn you now, you may laugh so hard you fall out of your chair, in that case me or this blog are not to be held liable for any injuries you sustain in the fall. And, if you don't laugh, then you probably will just think this is stupid and gross. That pretty much describes a lot of my conversations with my husband, stupid, gross, and extremely funny.

Anywhoozle, I believe I was making dinner (this seems to be the time we have most of our weird discussions, or they happen while we get ready for and go to bed) and we were calling each other mean names, and I don't remember which one of us said it, but one of us called the other one "fuckface."

We then developed the name, technically to be a "fuckface" you would have to have genitals on your face. Then we slimmed it down to the "fuckface" being a female. Needless to say, she would have a vagina on her face where her mouth would be.

That being said, we began to ponder, "Where would her mouth be?"

We figure that if her vagina was on her face, logically speaking wouldn't her mouth then be where her vagina belongs? So it would be in her crotch. If her mouth was in her crotch and her vagina on her face then having intercourse would look like she is giving the dude a blow job, and when she is giving him a blow job it would look like normal person intercourse.

If the separate openings still performed the functions the are meant to, then wouldn't she have to shove food up her crotch to eat? And when she farts wouldn't she taste it, STRONGLY, since her mouth is right next to her anus? When she has a yeast infection wouldn't it ooze out of her vagina and dribble down her chin? I guess she would really now if there was a growing infection, being that her vagina would be right under her nose. I am not even gonna elaborate, I'll just say one word, menstruation... Eww, right? What about when she sneezes? How would that work being her nose is on her face and her mouth is in her crotch?

And then we get to what made the title of this blog, operating on the basis that the two organs would function as they would in their normal places, what happens when she vomits? Does she just squat over the toilet and puke out of her crotch? Hence Crotch Vomit.

We never really discussed this part, but I just thought about this: How would "fuckface" talk?

Give me your answers.

So yeah, at this point either you are laughing so hard you're close to tears or your abs hurt, OR you just think I am totally weird and gross, and wonder what the hell is wrong with me and my husband. Trust me this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our "discussions." I hope my husband reads this outside of work, or he's gonna start laughing and his co workers will think he's crazy....

I am gonna go chill now, and wait for the finale of Hell's Kitchen to come on, maybe we will go for a walk in and hour if it's not as muggy then....

Don't hate the crazy, hate the insanity inducing society!

On and On, Reckless Abandon

That one line from an old Blink 182 song is stuck in my head. I haven't heard the song in ages...

I wish it was Thursday. Three day weekend. Woohoo!

I am probably going to go to the coast this weekend, see how my dad is doing, hopefully visit some people, and stuff like that. It will be maybe the second or third time I have gone over there by myself since Collin and I have been together... Weird... It is so CRAZY to think that we have been together for four years as of next month, and married for three. Wow.

It feels like it's been a lot longer, but not in a bad way. I just have a hard time imagining life before him, I mean I remember it, but yeah.... I don't know how to explain that right but I am sure people get it.

I haven't heard anything from that place yet. Maybe after the holiday. We will see.

It is my lunch time so I am going to eat my stir fry and potstickers.

Peace Out To All My Homies!!

I will prolly post again later.